The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying so hard to stay out of my son's business. Sometimes I just cannot let go of the fact that his business in NOT my business.
I find myself wanting to tell him things his wife tells me the children say about missing him etc. I just have to keep my mouth closed and let his HP tell him if it is His will for him to know. I want to encourage him to go to AA and/or counselling. I want to assist him in finding a job. I want to call and check on him when he is away too long. I want to remind him to put sunscreen on when he is fishing. I want to question him about whether or not he has eaten. The list goes on and on. He isfreaking 35 years old!!!
I know it sounds like I am not doing very good with my program but I am doing VERY, VERY good. I say that I WANT to do these things but for today I am NOT doing them. It is such a weight lifted off my shoulders to not have to be constantly worrying.
Thank you all for you help in getting me in this place with all your ESH.
You are doing great! I just have to keep reminding myself that my Ason is 21 and not 12. That helps me know if should say anything or not. If he asks I tell him what I think (like it or not), If he doesn't... he's a smart young man and he will figure it out.
My struggle is my AW not agreeing that I have the right to do that. LOL
Hang in there!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I find myself wanting to tell him things... I want to encourage him... I want to assist him... I want to remind him... I want to question him...
I ask myself, "Where's the compassion, where's the love?". I often have asked and more often heard others ask, "How do you set good boundaries?", and I wonder if my strong, strong feeling is valid? Is it appropriate? Is it helpful?
We'll always think of ways we can share each other's business. We're human. But we have a clue now, so we ask ourselves: Will it actually help them? If we remind them or urge them to go to a meeting, get a sponsor, call their sponsor -- and even if they do it -- will it help them? Even putting aside here for a moment the possibility that they might then go and might then benefit, how much of our urging is for OUR benefit, our comfort? The more sensitive I become of that question, the more I notice how much I speak or act out because of my own discomfort rather than their's.
One of my symptoms that indicates I'm doing it for my sake is I get stuck on the idea I'm pushing, I obsess. When are they going to do it? They said they would but where are they? ...If only it were me I could it do it all just right!!!
Yeah, I could be a letter-perfect recovering AA. Right. When I think about that, I always get an overwhelming wave of sympathy for my loved one -- we share the fundamentals. This is all so freaking hard, for everyone. And that's where the compassion comes in. I have it for them and I have it for myself and I have it for you.
A good person said to me in a meeting once that "harm" is a good decision point. With the issue of boundaries, will there be physical harm if do or don't act? You know, I've taken the car keys -- I've taken the last remaining car so they couldn't! I can live with that on my conscience knowing my A doesn't have a license, being stopped would mean prison, and knowing they're not going to run somebody over in that car. No guarantees of trouble-free consequences, but I have few illusions about who I'm doing it for. If it's an abuse situation (for me usually just mind-game verbal), I remove myself so the opportunity is gone. (Have a safe place if you can, call a friend or sponsor.)
But I will now put out there, "Are you going to a meeting tonight, need a lift?". And a yes or no will do. With practice it's not "sticky" anymore, we go on to the next topic together or otherwise. I still have my strong strong feelings to control, but I know everyone with strong attachments will -- it's natural. What's different now for me is this perspective and support and practice. And if she doesn't go, I put my arm around her and hug her knowing I have those troubles, too.
I have a lot to learn from life, from my HP, and from all of you. Please comment in good faith, I will listen.
Lots of love -K
P.S., remind him to put sunscreen on when he is fishing. Your his mother, after all.
