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Post Info TOPIC: C2C for April 07, 2023 Pretensions

~*Service Worker*~

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C2C for April 07, 2023 Pretensions

Todays reading sums up, for the author, how they learned that their pretensions and expectations for giving a speech to a, new to the author,

Al-Anon group were a bit to grand.  All their plans were dashed when pretty much everything went wrong.  What they quickly learned was that

their HP knew better, with a sense that there was some humor in all that went awry, the author actually had a nice time and a successful speech

and visit.


Todays reminder:  "I give thanks for the ways my Higher Power finds to cut my pretensions down to size."  "When I can laugh a little, I feel less afraid."


Todays Quote:  "I want to remember, every time I'm tempted to take a heavy, somber view of a happening, that it may not be so bad after all I'll

cultivate a knack for recognizing and enjoying humorous moments." ~ ODAT in Al-Anon


I have to admit that there are times that I take myself way too seriously when faced with a task that can be viewed and/or criticized.  I think that is

what this reading is all about for me.  Sometimes I sense HP's nudge toward the humor when things do not go as planned or how I wanted them to

go and do appreciate when that happens.


Mostly I see this reading and where it falls into place with living with an alcoholic, who can be highly critical of everything that is done in the home. 

Is it important that the criticism be addressed?   No, because thus far I have learned it only leads to more criticism and solves nothing, so why bother

and why care?  Ask yourself this question, when faced with this issue:  If I address the criticizer will it solve anything or make it worse for myself?  I

drop my ego, take a step back and find the humor in the fact that if the criticism was given meanly in order to get a defensive rise out of me, I got

this and it is not going to work.


I have learned in Al-Anon how my pretensions about tasks and events play an important role in how I am affected when they are set too high and then

things do not go as planned.  Like maybe a pat on the back or a thank you would be nice, but rarely given.  That to feel confident in my self and my

abilities helps to stop someone from, if it their intent, to try and control my poise, grace and confidence.  I do not need affirmation in order to feel how

I think and work is right for me, as long as my heart is in the right place and what I am doing is for the good of everyone, mean criticism from an

alcoholic is a moot issue.


Has this reading affected your view of your own pretensions and outcomes?


TGIF and wishing all those in the MIP Family that celebrate, a happy Passover and/or Good Friday/Easter!!  {{HUGS}}

-- Edited by DM2021 on Thursday 6th of April 2023 07:13:56 PM


"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown


Senior Member

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Posts: 143

Good morning

I really like your share Debbie,especially about criticism. I am one who takes it to heart and become extremely hurt even when it's by someone that's actively using/drinking. I need to care less about their opinion and focus more on what I think and feel about myself.

And also, It seems most things rarely go how I am hoping or planning. Lately though I just tell myself that's how it's meant to be,my HP had/has different plans for me. It does seem to help.

Have a good weekend!


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Posts: 395

Thanks DM for the reading, heartfelt share and holiday wishes. Happy Holidays to those who celebrate and happy weekend to all.

When I read this C2C page, I related to the fear of judgement and criticism that you shared DM. There was a time when my defense was to try to perfect myself to protect myself. Lack of trust and security impacted my emotional and physical wellness negatively. I often felt sick to my stomach before meeting a new person or interacting with someone actively drinking or drugging.

New to Alanon, I wanted to make progress, feel better. I really liked being with other people and I hungered for respectful interchanges. I longed to see the emotional progress in myself that I noticed in others especially my first Alanon sponsor who was so at ease with herself. At the time, I did all I could give the appearance of perfection fearing failure, ridicule, criticism, rejection, abandonment from others. Had I felt whole, I would have brought the same "self" consistently to each person, place or thing in my life. It took time and experience in Alanon and practice in life situations to humbly yet assuredly own my worth and to begin displaying it outwardly.

We say in Alanon "What people think of me is none of my business." When it comes to how I personally feel about myself, that statement is true for me today. I'm also grateful to have a better understanding of constructive criticism vs criticism. I no longer attempt to perfect myself to please other people, protect myself from criticism. Having feelings of self worth today, I'm neither afraid to confront my own feelings of vulnerability nor confront someone who mistreats me. Working the steps has been so valuable for gaining self knowledge. In most instances if I keep honest, I know what is true concerning me and what is not. Progress for me is being more capable listening to criticisms of others today and considering whether change in myself is needed or another person simply acting out or lashing out inappropriately. If it's the latter, I love myself enough to separate myself from verbal assaults.

With that said, I have found progress from a sometimes embedded message from an unkind messenger. I may not like the person or their presentation. As such, may even feel easy to discredit the message based on those feelings. But just as with my Alanon group there can be someone I may judge and under appreciate who expresses a truth that I know pertains to me and which my hp means me hear. I may not like such light bulb moments at the time but I only more self awareness and will continue to grow from such considerations. My hp has defines me as humanly flawed and 100& lovable. A lovable work in progress, I strive for more tolerance when it comes to other people, their flaws and how we both may be affected.

More reliance on my hp and responsibility for my feelings has helped. Every day is another chance to love myself uniquely, unconditionally and in celebration of the person I am now in this moment. It's only from a place of self worth and wholeness that I can realistically express love and accept the humanity of others. This reading about humility. I remind myself that I don't see others as they are, I see them as I am. What does that look like for me today? Where can I exhibit more patience and understanding concerning myself and others? In the action steps of Alanon, I learn that my hp already knows my assets and defects. It's in my hp's time that these assets and defects are brought into balance. I've had some Alanon ah ha moments but moreover I've found subtle almost imperceptible changes occur one day at a time. I'm fully present and calmer in situations and with people who once rattled me. I make a conscious choice to not give away serenity.

When I volunteer to be speaker at an Alanon meeting, I don't prepare ahead as I once had feeling obliged to give a "perfect" meeting on the topic of the week. I always wing it and let my hp speak through me. Initially, I would J.A.D.E. before speaking justify, argue, defend, explain my own motivations for giving a meeting without prior preparation. I will add that the only time someone shares without preparation at my meeting is if no one has signed up. It was difficult at first to not focus on what others might be thinking but has truly strengthened my bond with my loving higher power. I know my sharing has already been pre-approved by higher power and believe my loving hp is speaking through me to others. I let go and let god. Meeting members will take what they like and leave the rest.



Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2672

Thanks Debbie for your service and for all above ESH. What came to mind is, How important is it? Also, if you know the answer to a question, why ask?

If I relied on my A for feedback about myself, I would be the train wreck I was when I first came to program. I have given myself permission to decide who I am, what things need changing and what things are OK, and I am now the final authority on me! I certainly will listen to feedback and consider what people are saying, but I am the boss of me now.



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