The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author reflects on forgiveness. Before Al-Anon, the author thought forgiveness was a way to exercise power. They could decide to bestow forgiveness on others and demonstrate their own kindness, but they did not forget the infraction.
Now, the author sees forgiveness differently. The author shares that forgiveness is a reminder that they are on equal footing with all other people - we all act kindly and justly at times, and we all make mistakes at times. Forgiveness helps the author remember that they are not better or worse than others, but that we are all here together, learning and growing through our experiences. The author closes by recalling that it is not their job to judge others, but to behave in a way that makes them feel good.
Today's Reminder: I don't know the motives or circumstances that cause another's behavior. I do know that when I hold onto resentment and blame, I occupy my spirit with bitterness. Today I will find a more nurturing way to fill myself up.
Today's Quote: "You can't hold a man down without staying down with him." Booker T. Washington
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I have often thought about forgiveness, but today I heard what the author was sharing in a new way. It seems to be that the author is sharing that forgiveness is a way to exercise humanity and equality, a way to remember that we are on equal footing with others. I like the focus on not judging others as well.
Right now, I'm thinking through a parenting situation in relation to today's reading. It would be easy to walk away and focus on myself and what feels best for me, but parenting doesn't always allow for that. Sometimes there need to be consequences for unacceptable behavior. My gut check is asking whether the consequences teach something related to the behavior. If they do, then I think the consequences are appropriate. The program is complicated when trying to apply the principles to interactions with adults. I think this is one of the first times when I've noticed how hard it is to follow the program when parenting. I'm happy to share upon reflection that I don't have resentment or bitterness around the behavior. Exasperation, yes, lol!
Anyway, I hope you all make today a great day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you Skorpi for your service and excellent insights. Yesterday I lost my serenity big time because a project partner was late again. I place a high value on punctuality. I'll spare you the details of my inner tantrum which almost resulted in me ending the working relationship... permanently. I left and ignored her calls ...when I'm livid, my tone and facial expressions betray my emotions. After a brisk walk I reached out to her to reschedule. Today's C2C shifted my focus from the unforgivable (lol) act of being tardy to the great skills she provides. I had forgotten that when my life was chaotic, people were gracious when I couldn't keep time/commitments. Grateful for the continuous work on self.
If anyone has read my posts then they know that I have been really struggling with forgiveness in reference to exAH.
Shockingly,recently I sent him an email telling him that I forgive him for everything,not because the things that he did were ok but because as a human being he deserves to be forgiven for his mistakes.
I used the word "shockingly" because I wasn't even sure where it came from. I wasn't planning on even saying that to him but I had an overwhelming feeling/push to do it. I never even thought of the things he did as "mistakes" before, I saw them more as things that should condemn him to the depths of hell for eternity.
I like today's quote "you can't hold a man down without staying down with him". That is so true.
And I want to add that after I sent the email I instantly felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders.
Great share SunnyFrog. Your previous posts on forgiveness led to great awareness. It unearthed deep resentments and shined a light on unresolved issues I believed were forgiven and forgotten. Thanks to step 4, I am working more on being truthful and finding healthier ways to cope. One of my favorites was to act as if things were okay but wait for the universe to get you. I wasted a lot of time on revenge fantasies until I was reminded to dig two graves on that journey . Anyways, I also shock myself when I act differently (smile). Forgiveness helps me to be compassionate and kind...even when I don't want to...Grateful for HP placing MIP in my life.
Thanks Skorpi for your service and for all above ESH. I believe that when it comes to parenting, one cannot always just focus on oneself, taking into consideration of the age of the kids. Once they are grown ups, that can be modified to the situation. My thoughts on parenting....
I have followed the idea that holding onto anger and resentment only hurts myself. It does nothing to the other person. And that anger and resentment then keep me bonded to a person who has power over me. NO GOOD! When I forgive I unbind myself to that negative situation. I free myself. I feel better.
Thanks Skorpi and all for the shares. Forgiveness always seems to present an opportunity to work on the topic of humility both when deciding whether to forgive as or accepting another's right to that choice concerning my offenses. Grateful Al-anon continues to show me that I always have choices. Nice to be more conscious of my actions and my right to seek clarity rather than assume the intent of others. I rather ask than react. I don't learn much about myself or others by making assumptions about the intentions of other people or being dishonest about my own. I have no problem holding myself accountable if I've made another the scapegoat for my own unresolved issues. Better to own it. If embarrassing enough, it may not be such an easy go to behavior next time. I cringe when I have to take ownership this way but it has helped me to make progress in hurting others less. I'm as sick as my secrets. Am I really fooling anyone if the other person doesn't call me on my behavior? Usually, the look on their face tells me what I already know. I've hurt them. Making amends can be hard both to the offended person and to my hp. I'm working odaat to have harms occur less often for the same offenses. I also realize that I don't have a right to forgiveness despite my best efforts so acceptance is very important. I choose to take ownership because it's a recovery behavior to do so and then let go of the outcome. I also know that I don't have force personal forgiveness of others if I am not feeling it. Not everything can be easily forgiven. To love and respect myself enough to not feel obliged to automatically forgive offenses of others is progress.
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 16th of March 2023 03:01:53 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
