Thanks Skorpi for the reading and to you and DM for you shares. When I was a newcomer to the program I had heard my best thinking got me here. My personal inventory revealed my happiness was predicated on acceptance by others. It was a form of dependency borne of fear of being abandoned. This desperate need caused me to give my personal power to make my own choices. I attracted people who would tell me what to do. In fact, full disclosure - I would seek them out. Whether these were controllers within my family or outside of family, my trust, confidence and self worth was so low at the time, I perceived controlling people as self sufficient, mature, successful. all knowing people who seemed to have all the answers. I hadn't learned the difference between self absorption and self confidence. Having not done the inside job concerning myself, I was drawn to grandiose people who seemingly had an answer for any decision needing to be made. Additionally the active alcoholics in my life as well as others affected by alcoholism grew their all knowing reputations by telling me how inferior my own thinking or actions were as compared to their own. Today, I understand much more about what was going on then. This was of course hostage taking. And although I can fault the other, I do recognize because of Al-anon recovery, that I was a willing volunteer. Before recovery, I believed faulty messages, didn't trust my own thinking, my ability to make decisions or handle the outcome. I had a higher power to turn to but that higher power I believed had failed me. My life seemed awful. Therefore, I placed my trust elsewhere. I placed my trust in other imperfect and equally unhealthy human beings whose love was conditioned.

I am someone who came into Al-anon kicking and screaming, angry to be here. I believed drinkers needed recovery but I was just "fine." The alcoholic wraps their hands around the bottle and we wrap our hands around the alcoholic I told. I could see how the statement applied to me in so many ways I had never considered. You may remember an old movie where the female tells her love interest "You complete me." Quite an expectation of another human being and one for which I've tried to make amends through changed behavior since recovery.

Rather than turn to anyone else with such an expectation, I use the Serenity Prayer now and understand that all of my decisions are a team effort between myself and a higher power that loves me unconditionally. When fearful, I can express it to others, gain more perspective but not impose responsibility on them to make decisions for me. I've learned to trust my gut when a choice needs to be made in the moment. I choose what feels right and hope for the best. If my loving hp brings me to it, my loving hp will see me through it. I'm still here to talk about it, right? ;) Mostly, I'm grateful to have learned the value of others opinions, others ways of doing things and knowing it's my responsibility to choose what feels right for me. I've learned that when I am true to a healthier self, I attract others who are self actualized as well.  My Al-anon meetings continue to show me how we can all have a voice, a say in decision making for the good of the group as a whole, rather than dominance of any one voice. This is also a very important concept for me. Today, my faith sustains me and my trust has grown in myself as a result of the program. Grateful to no longer give my power away and for the understanding that the only authority is a loving God. I'm at peace in the belief that I can risk to make choices, keep learning from them and my higher power will continue to have my back.