The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's Sully's (mastiff puppy) 5 month birthday today! Hurray LOL silly I know but what the heck I need something to celebrate and since he is spoiled rotten already I might as well go all the way.
Today I am going to drop the dogs off at home before work, my AH will be there then but will have left for work by the time I get back. It will be nice to be home for a few nights. Take care of of cats and house a little. Have some time alone to meditate and think. I am lucky to have this option available to me.
I sat outside this morning thinking of seeing him this morning, not dwelling on it but being realistic ... it will be strange and probably unsettling. I asked for patience and peace, I asked for help in saying what I mean and saying it nicely. I asked for strength in keeping my goals in place and not being drawn back into the insanity. And I heard answers in my head, I know what to do now. And I will be OK.
He called yesterday asking if I was ever going to come home to talk. I was as nice as possible when I explained I did not see any point to talking about something we have been talking about for many years.
I know now his disease will say anything to remain living and safe and I help to make it safe and fuel the fire. I was sad to learn he did not remember calling early Monday morning ... reached blackout stage within 2 days of me leaving. I know I can not control alcoholism, I also know if I had been there he would not have gone out ... this creates a paradox. More important it creates resentment from him towards me, it puts me into the provoker position when I did nothing but be in my house LOL. There really is no winning in my situation, I learned I could live with him being an A. What I can not live with is being blamed for his acting out.
Here I go rambling again when I should be getting ready to go to work. Thanks to you all for reading and for your replies ... they always help. I wish everyone a wonderful day!
I let my A degrade me and insult my lifestyle...there is NOTHING wrong with me or my lifestyle, that is HIS problem with me. Being with me, being around me, knowing me is all it took to ignite HIS own shortcomings and anger him.
I have made a TOUGH decision to call it quits with my A, for good, and believe me it is not fun or easy.
I love this man, completely, I will love him forever, I will pray for him and always try to remember he is sick in his disease and ask for God to relieve him of the alcoholism...but I will not wait around and waste my life on someone who tells me they have NO desire to change.
I offer you hope in one of my favorite quotes, that I made up, I think....
"Noone can do anything to you that you will not allow them to do."
He cannot affect my outlook on life, my positivity, my self respect, my dignity, my smile, my religious beliefs, my moral stand, my future, my potential, my happiness or ANYTHING else UNLESS I allow it. And I wont.
Another quote, I did not make up, it is from the movie "Some Kind of Wonderful" might not be word for word.
"You can be with someone for the wrong reasons or alone for the right ones. I want to be right."
Hope all was well with the home and the cats.... and you! Your post is full of strength and I was really taken by it. I didn't reply to it yesterday because I was a little beside myself. With everyones help I feel much better today.
I hope all is going well with your visit. Reguardless, you know we are here for you!
Take care of you and thanks for sharing!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
