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Post Info TOPIC: Courage to Chnge Feb. 8

~*Service Worker*~

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Courage to Chnge Feb. 8

Hello MIP! 

In today's reading, the author reflects on their friendships with people. The author notes that they sometimes reach out and try to be friends with people, even when those attempts are friendships are repeatedly rebuffed. The closing line at Al-Anon meetings ("though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way - the same way we already love you.") brought the author comfort. 

They now realize that, although we cannot always be everyone's friend, we can offer and receive respect, support, and understanding. 

Today's Reminder: It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation, I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am. 

Today's Quote: "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." Oscar Wilde


Sometimes connections grow and fade, and sometimes the time of a friendship isn't right. I had a friend in Al-Anon, we went to the same meeting, sometimes connected for coffee before or after. Then, she stopped attending meetings and didn't respond to calls or texts. I figured she was just busy. Then I happened upon her booth at a local fair, and stopped to look over some things. She pretended she didn't know me, and in the spirit of anonymity, I pretended the same. I was disappointed in her rejection of what I thought was a growing friendship, but decided to focus my energy on more positive friendships with people who wanted to connect with me. This gave me another opportunity to practice loving detachment. I wish my al-anon friend well, but I'm not going to go chasing after her. Maybe she is busy. Maybe she decided that the group wasn't for her, maybe she decided that I wasn't a positive influence for her. Whatever the reason, I'm confident it says something about her and her needs, not something about me, and so I don't need to worry about why she made the choices she did. When a memory crosses my mind, I can hold on the the positivity, and wish my al-anon friend well, wherever she is and whatever she is doing. 



If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 787

Thank you for your service and today's reading Skorpi.

It can be disappointing under any circumstances when one thinks there is a connection with someone and

it is not reciprocal. I see how Al-Anon does help with all these circumstances not just with an alcoholic or

someone connected to Al-Anon. I see, for me, how friendships ebb and flow especially as I age and don't

know if that has anything to do with that but needs, priorities and life changes and so do friendships.


"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown


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Thanks Skorpi for the reading and your share. The reading is a great reminder about accepting others as they are rather than how I would like them to be. Over the last few years I've been disappointed about how a long time friend has been showing up in our friendship. Like you, I have considered reasons for this. I began to make it personal and found myself growing resentful. I shared my feelings with my A who knows her too. He is also in recovery and he reminded me about expectations and suggested that perhaps my friend was giving all she could and that I had a choice to take it or leave it. A self inventory revealed that I felt better with the rationalization that it might not be about my personal likeability.

In truth, I do feel that it might be about my likeability. It may also be about my ability to choose emotionally available people. Since the friendship is more than a decade old, I may be in a different place today. Maybe I am the one who has changed and this is causing me to notice things about the old friendship that went unnoticed before. Of course my friend as well could have life circumstances that have changed how she presents in our friendship or feel she has outgrown me and our friendship. I have discussed all of this with her actually, asked if we should re-evaluate our friendship and whether to continue it. She affirmed she is invested in remaining friends and made some efforts to demonstrate greater participation but has now reverted back to being less available. I am realizing that I have no right to expect her to change. Incidentally, she has not asked me to change ;)

One of my earliest Al-anon lessons was learning to accept myself and others as we are. People change, people leave, move, die, grow and sometimes that means a change to relationships. Al-anon is a program of attraction not promotion. It's a suggestion that I can apply not only within my meetings but to my interactions outside the meeting rooms as well. What new friendships can I attract as the person I am today? How can I foster greater harmony in my existing friendships by displaying positive behaviors based on Al-anon principles rather than projection my old pre-Al-anon behaviors onto present relationships. Whatever anyone else's behavior, I can choose to keep progressing in my own.

I like this statement in the reading. "... while I can't have everyone's friendship, I can offer and receive respect, support and understanding. The statement reminds me to remain willing and be open rather than expect reciprocity. I keep myself free of resentment when I show up in a recovering way because of changing for the better rather than acting in a particular way - maniplulating to extract a particular outcome/response from another person. Things work out better when I just do what feels right and let go of the result, when I practice To thine own self be true.

I've heard it said in Al-anon that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and that it's up to you to figure out which. My belief is that decision rests more in the hands of my loving higher power. I do better when I continue to try to show up as my best self and not try to force any relationship. Best for me to keep gratitude in front of me for everyone my hp chooses to put in my life and for lessons whatever the duration. That helps me to grow in my acceptance of joy and my tolerance of disappointment as a person. Also, who knows what lessons I may have played a part in concerning others in our relationships?  HP only knows, right? ;)

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 9th of February 2023 09:35:27 AM


Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.

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Thank you Skorpi for your service/ESH. I truly admire how you graciously handled your situation. The shares further my spiritual growth. I have a long-term friendship that soured a number of years ago due to an unkind exchange (mostly me) when boundaries were crossed. Anyways, during the pandemic, I reached out to her and she unloaded on me. Yikes. Around that time, Al-Anon entered my world and the steps offered me a new perspective. Normally, I would have pushed back and shut her out...forever. I had to accept that our friendship would never go back to how it used to be. My spirit could not let her go and I settled for occasionally sending humorous texts. One day she surprised me by initiating contact. I jumped at the chance hoping for f2f contact. No such luck. Last year, I ran into her cousin at a coffee shop and he proceeded to tell me about her deteriorating health. I listened in stunned silence. He assumed I knew. Oops. Anyways, shortly after she contacted me and updated me. I never brought up my encounter with her cousin . We are on a new path and lend support to each other. I'm glad my HP/Al-Anon guided me to work on this relationship. One of my shortcomings is resisting building/maintaining friendships. Grateful for MIP.

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