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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need guidance/advice
Post Info TOPIC: Need guidance/advice
Chinstrap


Newbie

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Need guidance/advice
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Hello, I'm sure my story is a familiar one. My husband of 4 years has always had a problem with drinking to excess. Previous to meeting me it resulted in serious cases of self harm. When we got together he seemed to turn a corner despite some back slides but I always made sure I was there for him, loved him, tried to get him whatever help he needed. In the past year his drinking ramped up(?) In that he only drank when he knew he was alone on a weekend (I work shifts, often away for long periods). During these binges I'd come home to verbal and emotional abuse, just generally being horrid to me while denying he'd been drinking. He had a particularly bad time over Christmas and once again promised he would stop, the kids and I were all he needed, he was going teetotal. I never pushed him to get more help as, on occasion, he can stop drinking for extended periods. I always made allowances for him and his behaviour because I loved him. Last weekend I was once again at work all weekend. I found him passed out on the sofa my first morning and as he'd promised he would never drink again, I told him he had to leave by the time I got in. Instead he continued to get drunk, beyond the point of coherence. When I got home I packed him a bag and told him to leave. After years of this pattern I had finally had enough. He threatened to kill himself, then when he realised I was finally serious and he wasn't going to get anywhere, he got me by the throat and tried to choke me. Thankfully (or not) my teenage children were in and I called for help. They got him out of the house and police were called. Since that night a week ago, I have heard nothing from him other than through his parents asking for items from the house he needs for work. The guidance I want/need I suppose is that the fact he's been so silent is killing me. On previous occasions he has been like this, albeit under the same roof still, and I've told him that his silence makes me feel like he's blaming me and this is my punishment for calling him out on his behaviour. He knows I suffer with anxiety and depression (probably not unrelated to the start of this pattern). I feel like I need to know what his thoughts are, feelings are if there's any remorse at all. The longer he leaves it the more it feels like he's not sorry at all and once again will not seek proper treatment. I don't feel I'm able to make a fully informed decision or try to start to move forward with my life until he starts talking and that he's being cruel on top of what he's already put us through. I'm currently on a waiting list for therapy but until then they suggested writing things down in letter form, not intended to be sent, to try and make sense in my own head. I'm very tempted to send it, not that I expect he'll read it or take anything I say to heart but I don't know if making that first contact will be in mine or his best interest. Sorry, reading this back seems very waffley and disjointed but my head is not in a straight line tight now. I just wondered if anyone who has been through similar had any advice/thoughts/strength to offer?

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DM2021


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 916
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First off, welcome to MIP Chinstrap!!

Getting to Al-Anon meetings would be the best way to start your own recovery, what your husband is doing

should not be so all consuming to you right now because when it is he is still controlling you, You need to

start to take control of your life again, for your sake and your children's. Here is a link to look up local

meetings in your area:

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

We learn right off the bat in Al-Anon that alcoholism is a cunning disease of the mind and body. Only

the alcoholic can make the decision to get help, that we did not cause, nor can we control or cure the

alcoholic. We do not deserve to be abused. Please let us know how you are, we are hear for you.

{{HUGS}}

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

 
Lyne


~*Service Worker*~

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{{{Chinstrap}}}. My A has a disease but A's can still be very smart. They can no how to push our buttons (in your case the silence). I struggled for years with what to do re: divorce or stay. The best choice I made was to attend alanon meetings and this board, and have become much stronger and less obsessed with what my A is doing. I've learned I can only control myself, and that's on a good day. But for years of trying, I cannot get my A to get help. If you can allow yourself to get involved with alanon, in any form it can fit into your schedule, I believe you can find the help you need. Alcoholism makes those that love them, sick too. But we can recover. Keep coming back. :)

__________________

Lyne
Chinstrap


Newbie

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Posts: 2
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Thank you, I keep going round in circles with everything but I really am very grateful for you taking the time to read and reply. There's an Al-Anon meeting near me in a couple of days that I'm going to try .

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DM2021


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 916
Date:
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Excellent news Chinstrap, you will get local support, so happy for you!!

Please let us know how helpful you find this meeting.

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

 
serenity47


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 575
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I like the saying , "Their rejection is God's protection" Use this time to focus on self, what you need, whom you can rely on etc.
I am glad to hear that you are looking to attend a meeting. It is so helpful to be amongst people who truly understand.
Start with the three C's. You didnt cause this issue, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Having any expectation of any remorse and changed behaviour is putting the focus on him and not on where your power lies which is in your own life.
I am glad you found us and I am very glad that you were not injured terribly during the domestic assault. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and at all times. 



-- Edited by serenity47 on Monday 30th of January 2023 11:08:58 PM

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Fedora


Senior Member

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Posts: 141
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Dear Chinstrap,
How are you doing today? I hope you are safe.
I wanted to reach out and say welcome. You are heard.
I am very glad you've gotten within range of a F2F meeting. (Completely different experience from online message boards.) And therapy. I hope you and your children remain safe.

As others have said, part of the practice of Al-anon is not offer direct advice. That said, finding safety from violence has to come before other things.

What we Can offer is experience, strength, hope. (ESH) On a message board, I've found that by reading other people's experiences, I learn that I'm not alone. I also see how other people have worked the program and how it has helped them.

I first found this message board in a time of great crisis and was stunned to discover that I was not alone in my experiences. That gave me the lifeline to eventually find my way to a F2F group. Separately I found a therapist. For me, those two things worked hand in hand.

In my experience, recovering your life from your loved one's disease is like unraveling a very big ball of yarn that is completely tangled up. It will take time, effort, patience ... and a lot of grace to yourself. The good news is that it can get better.

Please keep coming back. We hear you.We're rooting for you.

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