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Post Info TOPIC: Hope for Today Jan 29


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1097
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Hope for Today Jan 29


Good morning everyone:

Todays reading is a look at the difference between our responsibilities and the responsibilities we take on out of some sense of obligation.  The writer begins with a comparison between how the responsibility and authority of Al-anon world services belongs to al-anon groups and how responsibility and authority can be skewed in alcoholic families. In al-anon, there is an alignment between what is expected of the groups and the capacity to meet the expectations; in an alcoholic home, authority and responsibility are often misplaced.

The writer describes a childhood in which he/she felt responsible for ending fights between the parents, attempting to mediate a situation that he/she should not have been a part of. The Al-anon program taught the writer that ending the fights of others was not his/her responsibility.  In fact the writer learned that as an individual separate from others, we have no responsibility or authority over others.  We may continue to have people in our lives who want us to take on their responsibilities.  Through Al-anon we can learn what does and doesnt belong to us to sort out. 

This reading got me thinking about trying to keep the peace. It sounds like such a good and benevolent thing to do, but the truth is some of us who grew up thinking we had to keep the peace at all costs were actually minding the business of other people and taking on situations that were not ours to figure out. It makes sense to me that anyone living with an alcoholic (especially as a child!) would try to find a path to peace, since that life is fraught with chaos and inconsistency. What Al-anon can help us do is detach from those type of chaotic scenarios rather than try to fix them all up, and instead put our energy into our own responsibility: ourselves.

Our thought of the day: Just because someone tries to throw his or her responsibilities my way doesn't mean I have to catch them. My program helps me detach from what doesnt belong to me.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday:)

Mary



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 744
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Wishing you a peaceful Sunday as well Mary and thank you for your service.

I find that my life is so much more manageable when I keep in my own lane

and "live and let live!" {{HUGS}} Thank you Al-Anon/MIP and of course

my HP.

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

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Thanks Mary for your service and share. Very grateful for the program and the tools that help with self focus, to apply Live and Let Live when interacting with others.  Today I better understand balance in giving. The 4 M's Mothering, Managing, Manipulating and Martyrdom continues to be excellent inventory tool for gauging my involvement. I have been guilty of projection of the past onto the present and at times lack of trust in someone based on their past behavior and negative outcomes that arose from that behavior. To avoid negative effects to myself from another person's decision making, I have done for them what is their responsibility to do for themself. I have at times rationalized such "damage control," as loving support for them and of myself. I've rationalized that such forced outcomes are self care rather than control, imposing my will. I've pat myself on the back when perceived fallout has been avoided and in my mind credited myself for that happening. Busy, busy busy. Fixer, fixer fixer.

My Al-anon recovery is stagnant when practicing this unhealthy "taking over" type behavior. No one learns healthy self sufficiency, grows, progresses. It's a continuous cycle of co dependence rather healthy interdependence.  Al-anon suggests allowing another their dignity, to make their choices, reap success or negative consequences and not assume the place of that person's higher power. Best to Let Go and Let God, to have healthy boundaries.

No doubt, there are countless amends I owe from having imposed my will particularly before finding Al-anon. Changed behavior is my best amend. Being mindful to practice healthier interactions such as not assuming my help is needed and understanding the difference between balanced loving support rather than enabling, It can be difficult at times to keep hands off while another struggles. At times, I can remember the pain when faced with similar choices. Such struggles only strengthened my confidence in myself and my connection and dependence on a loving higher power. I'm just a work in progress. For the most part, I find it better to try not to interfere with the lessons another person's hp may have for them. Because of recovery, I'm practicing being supportive and available to help in a balanced and healthy manner these days. Grateful to have a better understanding of where the line is, what is and isn't my responsibility.

 

 



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



Veteran Member

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Good afternoon.

Man,so many helpful shares that I just happen to need at this very moment. I have felt so torn in a few different situations that are all happening at the same time. I have felt pulled in so many different directions by others lately.

Knowing what is my responsibility and what is not can feel so confusing at times when caught up in everyone else. I like the slogan "live and let live" and will practice using that in the upcoming week.

Have a good day everyone!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2781
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Thank you Mary for your service, and all for their ESH.

I want to spend some time with this, as this post is reminding me that I grew up as the "fixer." A "pacifier." I tried my best to smooth things over. So MY issues go way deeper than the alcoholic that was in my life. After much work with this, and stepping far away from my son to allow him to be a young adult "on his own." I am seeing my behavior resurface, as he likes the alcohol and doesn't process it well. I just want a peaceful home... one that I had fought so hard for and had just a couple years ago.

Happy Sunday!
PNP

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 568
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Thank you for that post. Looking back at my "helping" behaviour it not only extended to the substance abuser in my life, it extends to many of my relationships. I have to be vigilante and guard against old behaviours of being a know it all and taking over. Most if not all problems of others are not mine to pick up. My life is so much more peaceful when I remember this.

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