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I am new to Alanon...My husbands drinking seems to only effect me. He will come home 3 4 5 6 hours late. No one else is aware of this. When my daughter asks... I say he his out with friends. Sometimes I feel I am making this a problem If only I didn't care Why can't I just accept this He is a good father and always was responsible at work It is only when he goes out with friends or stops for a beer that he loses control. Question If I don't define it as a problem is it still a problem. We have had this issue for 30 years and I still get crazy and upset.
You didn't say how old your kids are but, I can tell you from experience they do pick up on things. After all they are living in the same world as you are.
I have been married 19 yrs to an alcoholic, I totally understand about him being a good father and good provider for your family. Eventually even that changes.
My kids are now teenagers and they have seen a good dad become so self absorbed into the world of alcoholism that all that love has turned into hate for them. Our children did not chose to live with an alcoholic.
For me though, it got to be too much. The hourse gone sometimes were turning into days. That is a hard one to explain to your kids.
All I can tell you is come to the meetings here they are wonderful, start putting you and your kids first he will do what he wants. Nothing you can do about it, only he can change his behavior.
Welcome Doubting. I'm still new at this also, but not new to being around my AW. Your husband sounds somewhat like my wife. She only drinks at home after work and weekends and there are only the two of us. She will drink when we go out to dinner but I usually get her out of there before she has too much. Is it a problem? Only for her health and my sanity. It seems that for all of us who live with an A, there is always a problem -- it is just a matter of degree. There are many knowledgeable people here that can answer your question much better than I can. I wish you the best.
Hi Elizabeth! And welcome to Al-Anon. I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings as well as online meetings and forums. F2F meetings often have brochures and other literature that are very helpful in clarifying just what it means to live with an A, and how it affects the spouse, children and so on. It's important to get educated about the disease because it is so "cunning, baffling and powerful", and how it affects us-- the codependents-- and what we can do about it for ourselves. We cannot change them--just our attitudes towards the disease, and what we can do to provide ourselves and our children with a better, healthier life. This takes time, of course. It's a process that regular meetings and reading the literature can really help with. It's an exciting, lifelong, and liberating journey!
"If I don't define it as a problem, is it a problem". If a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, is there a sound? Not to sound filippant or philosphical, but if you're asking the question, then the question as to whether or not "it" is a problem is probably moot. I was astounded to discover the "ghosts and demons" that I have because of growing up with and loving alcoholics throughout my life. I was also amazed to discover that there were people that wondered and worried in the same ways that I did. But most of all, I was completely in awe at the fact that there was a tried and true program that could help ME despite the problems that alcohol created in my life. I am so glad that you have found Al-anon and reached out to your new friends here for help. I look forward to getting to know you and seeing you grow in this fellowship. ((((((((((((((Elizabeth))))))))))))))) I give you the warmest welcome possible and hope to see you here on the board or in our chatroom soon. As our meeting closing says, we already love you in a special way.
Thank you for responding. I did go to a face to face meeting this week. I will try and be patient as I struggle to understand the lessons of alanon. I pray I stay strong and do not retreat. The pattern in my marriage goes like this...he drinks too much...then I get upset and lecture and try to reason with him...then he "behaves" for a time...then I think I am making a big thing out of nothing (after all he was just socializing with friends) and he is good in so many ways....and then he starts again(3 4 5 6 7 hours late because he made a stop) It sound sick but in away it would be easier to define if he didn't function so well. It seems to be just MY problem
Thank you for responding. I did go to a face to face meeting this week. I will try and be patient as I struggle to understand the lessons of alanon. I pray I stay strong and do not retreat. The pattern in my marriage goes like this...he drinks too much...then I get upset and lecture and try to reason with him...then he "behaves" for a time...then I think I am making a big thing out of nothing (after all he was just socializing with friends) and he is good in so many ways....and then he starts again(3 4 5 6 7 hours late because he made a stop) It sound sick but in away it would be easier to define if he didn't function so well. It seems to be just MY problem 