The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A and I had a good weekend...lotts of closeness and love, until yesterday.
He called me at 3 and said he had been golfing all day with a friend. Then he said he was on his way to the state park to meet a friend and his GF to go fishing, THEN after that he was thinking of fishing with the friend he had been golfing with all night.
At first I just let it go. Later in the evening I started getting po'd, he is spending all his time recently with friends when he knows he does not have to work...why? because then he can drink himself into a coma.
I called him he would not ans, then he called me back - I told him how I felt & that this was not a real relationship, he is only giving me a morsel of affection and attention enough to keep me hanging on, he got mean again. He told me it is none of my business where he is or who he is with or what he is doing...he is not going to change...I am too needy and desperate...I expect him to bury his head in my as*...we need to slow things down...he is not sure if he really loves me...he is used to living his life with no schedules, no comitments and just do whatever feels good...he is tired of me saying he has a disease and if he wants to drink "a couple of beers" he can, I assured him I want him to have all the dignity to live his life as he chooses, my choice is NOT to live this life OR put my kids in the environment. He said he does want to be with me, A's always contradict what they say, I am important....blah blah blah....when I told him I have Tuesday off of work and I would be at his place at noon when my son goes to Kindergarten, he said he had already commited himself to golf again...I guess that was my final straw, I am not important enough to cancel a golf engagement for, he had just been golfing all day now he needs to go again...WOW!
Well, I gave him what he said he wanted...in his drunken stuper...his freedom.
I have released my misery and grief and my broken heart to God and have asked him to now guide me out of this relationship.
Today I have called him and left a message, he has not responded...am I a fool, Oh Hell Yes...I would take my A back in a heartbeat...I have asked God to keep me strong to face whatever comes. I say he wont be there at noon and I need to just suffer for a couple of weeks....losing my A will simplify my life so greatly.
OK...TY for reading...please respond with some hope and encouragement
There is an old saying in Al-Anon, that is obviously developed from people's collective experience...
"Say what you mean, and mean what you say"
As Al-Anons, we threaten, coerce, challenge, plead, etc., with our A's, and continually make threats and promises that we are not fully prepared to honor... Your honest comments, where you tell him it is over, but fully know that you would take him back in a heartbeat, is not missed by your A at all.... In their disease, in fact, they latch onto our indecision, and can take full advantage.... Remember, when they are mired in their disease, their first priority is feeding their addiction - over and above everything else...
I'm a huge advocate of us learning to get ourselves better.... Al-Anon helps, sharing here helps, and reading good literature on this subject helps. If you haven't read it, please get yourself a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. This book was a lifesaver for me...
Hope that helps...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When we start living our lives for someone else everything changes. If he wants to be with is buddies or mistress (that is what I call alcohol the mistress) then find the strength in yourself to live your life for you and you son.
By no means am I telling you to just leave, I am just saying, no matter what he does you have to put yourself above it all. He is going to do what he wants when it comes to alcohol no matter how you feel. Unfortunately we are second when it comes to this.
Try and stay positive, I know how difficult this is. Just take it one minute at a time.
Just take care of you and your child and go to al-anon meetings. Do you have a sponsor? You can heal with or without him getting help. Your healing and learning effective ways to deal with his alcoholism will also give him a better chance at finding his own help.
Examine your motives. Keep the focus on you. One thing I hear over and over again is "why do we get involved with emotionally unavailable people?" hmmmmmmmmmmm, if I ever find the cure for that, I will share it with you (a little attempt at humor here).
If he says, he's not sure if he loves you, do you want to make him or stick around and wait for him? Only you can answer.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I turned off my cell, my only phone number, so if he calls, he will go straight to voice mail.
I just keep myself seeing visions of these unfortunate women on talk shows who got involved with a man like my A, who started out yelling at her, saying mean things to her, degrading her and making her feel worthless, and then escalating into shoving, smacking and ulitmately beating or killing them.
I see that being the direction our relationship was going to be headed in.
I am working through Christ to heal my heart and walk the path I am intended to walk.
I love Chris completely, I will never not love him, he is the love of my life, BUT I guess we all dont get to be with the ones we love, and this time is for good reason.
