(((Hello Group)))

Thanks for the support yesterday, i was really in a yucky place.  I really meditated on some of the points each of you brought up.  I needed to ask myself if I have been completely honest with myself and my feelings.  This morning, my question to HP was did you bring the A back home or did I?  Someone threw that out yesterday for a thought and I grabbed hold of it because one of my character flaws has been avoiding being honest with myself and others about my feelings, for fear of losing that person or making them angry.  It's the lovely guilt that was instilled in me as a child when I did something wrong to upset my parents, the heaps of guilt and anger that poured from their mouths and the verbal abuse my father put on us. 

So, I go back to the day my A and I decided to try this again.  I was distraught with grief that day.  I was feeling desperate for answers to why this happened.  I was depressed and feeling like this was all my fault.  I dropped the kids off at school, called off work, and went home.  I had not slept the night before because my A finally came clean with the truth that he and this girl were dating.  I woke up that morning feeling convicted about my part in the demise of our relationship.  I began to see myself outside in, I saw all the previous relationships that I smothered out of my life with that desperate controlling and clinginess for fear they would leave, which is exactly what happened.  I began to see that my A and I did this dance together and fed off each other's insecurites and emotions.  I pushed him farther away by starting the fights of why he drank so much, why he spent so much, why he did this, said that, ate this, didn't clean up, whatever it was I was there putting in my two cents worth.  Driving him to the point of why do I bother, I'm a screw up anyway, I might as well screw it up even more so she'll kick me out.  That's exactly what happened.  I came to that point were I was so toxic I couldn't stand myself.  I constantly asked him to leave I said horrible things that I'm not proud of and it still grabs my heart to think about it.  I was truly sorry and remorseful that day as I am today.  I called him and left a message apologizing for everything I'd done, and said I was sorry for pushing him away.  I was trying to come to terms with letting go, but felt I needed to say my peace and be honest with him.  I fell asleep after leaving the message and did not here the phone.  He got frantic because I was tearful in my message and he thought I might try something stupid like killing myself.  He got on the bus and began calling my house over and over, I was so soundly asleep I didn't hear the phone.  Eventually i woke up and he was pissed.  He said you don't call me leave a message like that and not answer the phone!!  I apologized and said everything was fine.  Then I began to explain the message. 

He asked me to go to lunch with him and I accepted.  We made a couple of stops, one at his apartment and I began asking questions about the girlfriend because I wanted to know more about her, who she was etc.  His place was appropriate for the kids, clean with lots of room for them to sleep.  I didn't find fault with it.  I just watched and observed.  At lunch I began talking about my feelings and the dreams I had for us and how sorry I was it got all screwed up.  I apologized for getting involved in his business and not leaving him with his dignity when he made mistakes.  I asked for forgiveness and told him how much I still loved him.  I did not expect anything in return, I just talked because I knew I needed to say it for me.  I did not expect him to say if that is how you feel, then I'll break it off with my girlfriend.  He said he'd waited four years to hear me say this.  He was confused and doubtful that my words were honest.  Today, I can say they were honest.  I had nothing left to lose that day.  I was striped of everything and coming to terms my life with this man and our family as we knew was over.  When he said those words i didn't think should we get back together, I knew completely in my heart that I wanted it, for me I felt like finally I have gotten to a place within myself that I've let go of the anger and resentment and this will help us heal this relationship.  I didn't ask for sobriety first, I felt sure then that working my program and focusing on myself would allow me to remain sane and still love and be with this man.  It has been hard, not as hard as it used to be.  I'm o.k. I still make mistakes and I'm still growing.  My A is growing but at a much slower pace I can't fault him for this because its not my timing its HP.

So, did I do this?  I guess we both did.  He made the decision to try again, for love?  I think so, for family?  Absolutely.  For security?  Most definitely.  Since he's been home he has accomplished more than he has accomplished in a very long time.  He actually prayed at dinner last night with a humble spirit and called his father to thank him for being there for him.  I have never witnessed this behavior in four years.  What have I gained?  A deeper understanding of myself, and this disease.  I have learned to forgive genuinely and have compassion in my heart for my A, something I never thought I could do.  I have come to a much better connection with my HP that drives me everyday.  I feel happier, less sad days.  I am laughing again and learning to be silly.  I'm learning to enjoy my times with my A sober or not, whether he's around or not.  I'm enjoying my kids more and rationalizing those crazy mommy times when I used to blow up. (I still have my days)  I am gathering more tools of coping with addiction and chaos that I never had before.  I've learned not be ashamed because I love an alcoholic.  I have not gotten monetary security or even a gaurenteed chance that this will work, but I have grown spiritually and personally.  Maybe that is why HP allowed this reunion to happen.  I believe HP wants to heal us both, and wants my children to have their two parents together.  I know the road will be a bumpy one, but what if past the bumps there is recovery and a healthy marriage and family?  Can I pass up that chance?  Not in a million years.  Sorry this was long, just needed to write it out for myself.  Have a blessed day.

Twinmom~