The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Quote from an Alanon brochure points to the possibility of the partner of the alcoholic demonstrating more irrational behavior than the alcoholic.
This can happen as they ride an emotional rollercoaster while trying to outwit and control the uncontrollable.
It is with great relief that we recognize the changes in our behavior after learning and employing the principles of Alanon, and benefits in our relationship interactions, including with the alcoholic.
Reminder: The progress I've made helps me recognize how my own emotional makeup and habits needed guidance and improvement.
"Most of the things I did, in anger and frustration, only made matters worse. Now I am learning to let go." - Unattributed ------------------------ This reading makes me think of me as Sisyphus in Greek mythology, cursed to push the boulder up the hill only to have it roll back down...for eternity.
Before I found Alanon, I counted as victory any small area where I felt I had brought a change in the alcoholic's behavior, though it came at a tremendous cost of energy, insane antics, and my emotional health.
No matter what I "changed", it always would revert, or emerge in a different area and I would push back again, make headway that would eventually roll back. I drove myself mad...
Today, thanks to Alanon, I don't have the global delusion of control, and for that I am grateful. There remain certain areas, however, where I seem to consistently drop that perspective and in a bout of temporary insanity, believe that this time I can and should push the boulder, AND it's going to stay there.
Alanon works when I don't make exceptions for my special areas of focus...Grateful for the reminders
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks for your service Paul and great ESH. I don't think my behavior was worse than my A's, as I was not drinking and driving a car. However, I acted in many irrational ways I had never done before, and thank this program that I no longer do. I became a person I didn't like and felt ashamed of both my behavior and my A's. As I look back on those days, I do not miss them or want them back. We still have a marriage that lacks many healthy qualities I wish we had, that we enjoyed in our first year of 31 years now. What I am grateful for is that most of the time I have control of myself, good boundaries, and can detach with love. Grateful member always.
Thank you Paul for this reading and reminder. I am up and down with letting go and no one pushes that boulder harder than I do. My AH has had about 7 drunken falls in the last 2 months, with the last 2 resulting in the need for CT scans and lingering injury. The doctor said he is a broken neck waiting to happen. Of course these falls impact me as well, and this last injury or the next one could interfere with our winter down south. Im so angry and find myself trying to exert control over his consumption to stop further injury. Thats when I realize I HAVE to let go and let his consequences fall where they may. Give him up to his higher power. Its tough! You all know its tough and I take great comfort from your ESH.
I now realize that my desire to control my ex spouse (and frankly everything and everyone else around me) resulted in some pretty nutty behavior on my part. And that nutty behavior arose from two things:
1) from my inability to trust my ex spouse. He was never able to support me or do anything he was supposed to do, and I got very used to doing absolutely everything. Had he not been an alcoholic, we might have had a chance to repair this imbalance of action. But alcoholism and my enabling resulted in my ex being able to do absolutely nothing for himself. Which led directly to #2 -
2) from my ability to trust myself. Because of shame and guilt that I embraced as I was being consumed by my ex spouse's disease (even though it was not mine to own!). And it was like a poison that ate me from the inside out.
In recent times I've realized that when I trust in myself, I stop trying to control everyone and everything around me. I stay in my lane. And suddenly working the program gets about 10x easier.
The importance of trusting myself did not become clear to me until quite recently. I think that that contributed to me having a lot of trouble with working the program in my early days/years with Al-anon.
Trusting myself, valuing my values - this has made a big difference in my own behavior, and the way I'm working my program. At first, the program was almost like "how to isolate yourself inside a relationship with an alcoholic". That was a purely defensive move, and not sustainable. (You can only live in a tent during a hailstorm for so long before the tent falls apart from the battering.)
Now I see the program as being an enhancement to the work I'm doing with a therapist in repairing the trust in myself. The steps are like "bricks" which I can use as I'm building the "house" that's going to allow me to honor my worth, and honor my values.
