Aloha Gailey I understand where you're you're at and also that I was afraid of going up against me and how I would look and be judged.  I was afraid of wrong decisions while I had no foresight or guarantee about the outcome of my choice.  I wanted someone else to come up with the perfect decision and make it for me so that I could blame them if it came out badly.

What I learned was to slow down, take a look at the situation thru the light of the Serenity Pray and listen to the feedback from my sponsor and the elder members of the Family Group. I took a look at the will of my HP, my alcoholic and my own and after making a decision made the decision with the faith that my alcoholic/addict son and I would be okay and still under the love and direction of our Higher Powers.  My son was still practicing and I had the full benefit of the Al-Anon Family Groups.  My decision was that he and I had to part.  That I had to go on with my life and could not do that by waiting for him to be responsible.  My son understood everything I was saying and we parted.  He continued to drink, use and abuse.  He got into accidents, legal trouble, physical confrontations, beat up, stabbed, threatened, became a father when he least wanted to, kept coming back to me for input while telling me not to preach to him (I didn't and when I just listened he asked for clarity.) and kept drinking and using.  When he tried to make me responsible I told him that what he was going through was a consequence of his choices and since he had not called me and told or asked me what he was doing or planning to do only he could own the outcome.  I didn't know what it had to do to me. I had stopped enabling him such as letting him live rent free in "our" appartment and giving him the keys to my only car to go out and party.  Today things are not perfect but....!!

So much has changed.  While at one time I told him that I loved him and if he died as a result of his drinking and using choices, I would attend his funeral out of love and respect and when it was over I would go on with my life.  Today he is not in a twelve step recovery program.  He to my knowledge has not used alcohol or drugs for years.  The first child of the alcoholic/addict is 17 years old and carries the syndrome of addiction.  He graduates from HS this year.  There are two other daughters.  All have suffered from the disease and carry the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual marks of it.  They have suffered also because both parents have come from severely addicted families and we lack so much that has to do with sane level.  My daughter in law has suffered greatly as the daughter of and now the spouse of addiction.  Reality in addiction is a abberation to otherwise normal people. 

GramPa and GramMa (me and my wife) have been in  recovery for years.  We are still giving away to the family without an expectation of response or return.  What we have seems to just balance the scales.  What we give is honesty without denial. We have not swept this disease under the rug.  Our grandchildren know their past and know that when the disease strikes there are at least two family members they can go to who don't fear it and know a different way of responding to it without enabling it to get worse.  We don't enable it to get worse and if there is one thing I learned in this program it's that when I was most fearful about making a good decision for what ever reason...I made the decision that made it worse.

The Serenity Prayer says "....The courage to change what I can..."  The program ODAT says that, "Courage is fear that has said it prayers." 

Hold up your situation to the light of the Serenity Prayer, attach yourself to others who have been in your situation, listen, learn, read literature, have patience, turn the outcome over to your Higher Power along with yourself and even while you feel fear...make your decision based upon the consequence you most desire for yourself.    Then keep coming back.

In love and service ((((((hugs))))))