new and raw - Al-Anon Family Group

tippergirl · Veteran Member

new and raw

drucilla06 · Senior Member

(((tippergirl)))

You have come to the right place, welcome.

I know this will probably not be much comfort,I remember when I was exactly where you are,but in AA they tell the alcoholics that their sobriety must come first.To stay clean this is necessary.

YOU have to put YOUR serenity and YOUR program first now.If you are totally new to alanon, and if you are like me, you'll have tons of questions and you will not understand alot of things at first,maybe not for awhile.Of course you may catch on quicker than I did but be easy on yourself.Give yourself time.

Miracles in Progress has some really great people with lots of experience,strength and hope to share.Read the posts of other people,you may see yourself there and you can learn much from them.We all "vent" once in awhile, everyone needs that too.There are also online meetings, I think they are at 9am and 9pm Mon-Sat and 10am and 7pm on Sunday.There is a link at the top left of the message board.

When my husband got sober 16 years ago I was told I had to go to Alanon because he would get better and I would stay sick and it would hurt the marriage.I resented it and hated the meetings.I did not want to look at my part in all of it, I thought I was fine,it was HIM that was sick.Now 16 years later I realize I was wrong and I wish I had kept more of an open mind back then.I could have saved myself alot of misery.

Glad you are here and hope you keep coming back. d

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are here. Yes it is a wonderful place, you will not be judged. You will be safe to say what you need and want to. Share anything. There is always someone who will relate, believe me.

One thing for sure, we must take care of ourselves. Be safe. Have keys, money whatever you might need hidden somewhere in case you need it. This got me away from a horrible situation once.

I am sad your mom's group did not support you. But they are ignorant to the disease and those of us who love a sick A. Please forgive them, as surely at some point in their life or their childs life, there will be an A they love.

It helps to come here and vent. Say what you need to say. We do our best to focus on our feelings. I know when I am upset so many will remind me of sayings and support me. When we are torn up by aism even the most maturing, recovering alanoners can turn back into a newbie. We need each other no matter where we are in our recovery.

Sadly we cannot expect support or have needs met by our A. One of the hardest things to accept about aism is they can be horribly selfish. I finally got comfortable with this, becuz I chose to. I don't depend on my a for anything. NOT one thing.

Has made my life totally easier. I expect nothing.

I feel if we are to live with an A, in recovery or not, we have to get our own lives to be self suffiencient. I mean our home, money, vehicle, emotional support, everything. If we do get something from the A it is icing on our cake.

This is MY experience. I know if my A had cancer or any other terminal disease, I sure would do the same thing. To be honest, after my life experience I would always set my life up this way. Have a space to share with my husband, but always have my own security.

We never know what might happen. My A had a brain tumor removed. Another person on here had that happen too.

I see you answered your own question. That you cannot take it anymore. So will you? It makes me very sad he is abusing you and your daughter.

It took one time for me for my A to lose it in front of my kids. I got an R order immediately and we did not see him for ten years until he had been sober and on a strong program many years.

I would sure feel as you with no one to talk to. I am you found us. There are meetings here and a chat room. Many of us private email too.

Been at this for years and years and it gave me the skills to change myself totally. I no longer have panic attacks. I tell him when to go. He is gone now in jail and I love it. I am thankful as he will have some sober time and hopefully it feels good to him.

What he does with it is up to him.

I have had my own life for a very long time now. I did not stop my animal sanctuary, I did not move from my five acres. He called our home a dump, money pit, he has put no money at all into this house. He only liked the animals when he was in recovery or sober a month or two.

Anyway I invite you to find YOU. What do you like? What do you want? and go for it. I don't know how old your baby is, but that surely is your focus right now.

There are things you can do with your baby. Do you like to walk? Get fresh air, exercise for you two. Think health, lightness. One thing I see, in aism a dark heavy blanket covers us.

My daughter got pg by a kid who she thought she was in love with. He is an A. She is a creative, inspiring art teacher at a university. makes jewelry and really neat alternative art. beautiful stuff.

Her house was like walking into wonderland. Plants, colors, paintings, creativity.

I went to the apt she shared with this ex rrrrrr guy. It was DEAD. No art up? Why? She said he was jealous of it. She has a lot of nude photos. In great taste, nothing shows but it is so beautiful and tasteful.

The plants were almost dead. What was funny was I had just told her, R in AA they say ok after a year in AA see if you can keep a plant alive, then a pet then think about dating. Her A had been home alone for two weeks and had not touched a plant. But he sure did take out the smoke detector so they could smoke their cigs and weed.

Right where the babies cloths are etc. R is an organic, healthy person.

She nurses and packs that baby in a neat sling and front pack.

Digressing. She left alright. Getting an R order too. He pushed her over when she was holding my precious grandson and then put his hand over her mouth so she could not scream for help. She got away with baby.

Had the forethought not to call me. She had her friend come and get her. She did not want me and her brother to go to jail. I will leave that to your imagination. I pray for forgiveness for wanting to hurt him.

Anyway, glad you are here, keep you and baby safe. Maybe you could work on a place to go with baby if and when he gets abusive again.

love,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Tipper , talking to anyone but al anon members is a waste of time they don't understand and y end up feeling judged and frustrated. Get a phone list at your next meeting and bundle up that baby and take her with you if u ahve too . Your husb is newly sober and is stark raving nuts , so u both need some space .evn if it's just an hr at a meeting . Find yourself a sponsor quick thats what they are for . trying to get your husb to understand hwo your feeling is also a waste of your time jsut as u will never truly understand his disease.

come to the chat room when u can . and get to f2f meetings often , you too need to recover don't let anything or anyone keep u from this program. Detach with love from your husb and leave him to AA they will take care of him and al anon will take care of you . Take a chance reach out to other members you do't have to do this alone anymore .

tippergirl · Veteran Member

He is not being abusive now. I said he was when he was a dry drunk. I don't know if you could call what he does now abusive or not. He is just super clingy. He wants to be with me too much and can'y see how I need a break from both him and my daughter. But more from him. I get tired of constantly having to reassure him that everything is all right or that I am happy. The fact is that I am NOT happy. I ask him to leave me alone but he won't. Like tonight, when he got back from his meeting. He wanted to talk. I didn't. I tell him I need him to just leave me alone. Could he respect that? No! He kept coming around and coming around and everytime he did the angrier and angrier I became. He says that he just cares about me. But I say he just cares about his own feelings. He just wants me to reassure him that I like him and that HE is ok and what I need is space from him. I told him this. Still no good. Finally, it ended when I said I didn't like him anymore and didn't want to be with him anymore. I don't know if that's the way I feel but I would say anything for him to give me some space. I also get tired of him expecting me to pick up his slack all the time. Like also today, he left our DD in her room by herself!!!! BTW, also with a pair of my sunglasses that she of course broke. How assinine can one be?! Makes me feel like I can never leave her alone with him and that he can't be trusted. I left town for w hile to have a break from him. Did he bother to pay any bills why I was gone? NO! Because he says that is "my gig" and doesn't know how it works. Ummmmm, he lived on his own before I met him-what the heck is he talking about??? I want an adult for a partner, what I have is a child and he is driving me totally insane.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

you said it! they are like having another child and one we did not give birth to! it used to make me so angry and crazy. i wanted an adult partner. that's what i thought i married. the thing that finally turned it around for me was facing the reality that he will never be what i expect. he will never be a partner. he has tried really hard but with his disease it's impossible. so i stopped denying reality and started doing things that needed to be done. i stopped waiting for him to do the obvious. for a long time just to keep him involved (while he was sober) i would ask him to do certain things. and he did but it was only because i asked. he would have never thought of these things on his own. also it sounds like your ah is switching his obsession from alcohol to you. that's annoying too because you can't get the space you need to breathe and relax. i remember those days well. he acted as if i could keep him sober. as if i was his hp. and i tried but that never kept him sober. i knew he was scared, terrified and i did the best i could with what i had. this program has given me so much more with which to work with. keep comming and very soon you will feel the peace.

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi try and stop focusing on what he is doing. There is nothing you can do to change that. You can get yourself out of the house though as Debilyn suggests. The walk in the park etc. It will give you the coping skills when he is giving you a hard time. If you feel a little trapped with the bub and need someone to talk to ring your local al-anon group and someone will be able to talk you through it. Keep posting to us here always someone to give you a hug when you need it. Welcome from Australia, Luv Leo xxx

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge.You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.