The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Powerful reading today that touches on the very heart of Alanon: dropping our efforts to control others.
Controlling can take many forms: direct, subtly manipulative, outright reconstruction or light interference, obsessive observation, counseling, taking over their responsibilities. All have the same end: defeat for both parties.
I may even think that I have the right, even the obligation, to guide and direct them because of feeling superior in knowledge, insight, or moral compass and lack of alcohol dependance...Alanon suggests that is spiritual blindness.
From Tolstoy comes this impactful image of what this looks like:
Reminder: "I sit on a man's back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means - except by getting off his back."
"Teach me to leave to others their inborn right to dignity and independence, as I wish to have them leave mine to me." - unattributed ------------------
Oh my...back to the basics. Trying to control the alcoholic in my life is what brought me to Alanon and the realization that I needed help. With the help of the program, I reduced my interference involving alcohol to the degree that allowed them the freedom to find their own way, and me to start on the road to spiritual recovery and consistent bouts of Serenity...but that was just the beginning.
I am also powerless over other people, places and things...really, everything outside of myself, in all aspects of life, not just involving alcohol.
There are endless opportunities to let go and grow. There are layers to peel back in recovery, and as I continue my journey I have new realizations of where I can apply this core principle more, more consistently, more effectively.
These are areas that I don't first see as interference, control, but in fact they most certainly are. I have just discovered a giant area of work in a key relationship that I have been blinded to for years...huge opportunity to apply this principle towards, allow for more peace and respect for them, peace and respect for myself.
If I am feeling vexed with someone, there is a good chance I can trace it back to an attempt to control. A certainty that I can experience more peace by applying more cowbell er, Program (2000 Christopher Walken reference, couldn't resist )
So grateful for the reminders
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Paul, thanks for your service and wonderful ESH! OMG, I came to alanon to help me control my A! Highly disappointing at first, but it was a trade off in learning to (trying to) control myself. Betty was gently on my case often for trying to force solutions. Peace and respect for me allows peace and respect for others, and vice versa. And of course, we always need more cowbell. :)
Good Morning Everyone! As I read your post and all the shares, I was filled with relief. I definitely need to get back to basics. I had deceived myself into believing I was practicing program principles and was shocked when resentments kept popping up and multiplying. Thank you for the honest shares that free me to repeat lessons without feeling embarrassed for being a slow learner. (((MIP)))
A few months ago AH told me something was none of my business. I was so offended and have held onto it for all these months. Guess what though? Today I realized it really wasn't my business and I finally let go of it and let go of that silent seething that I have been doing.
It seems silly now because at the time I really believed it WAS my business cause how was I supposed to tell him how to fix things if he wouldn't talk to me about it? How would he have been able to handle it on his own without my gentle,sweet(not) guidance?
What felt like the worst,most offensive,divorce worthy words to me "it's none of your business" turned out to be what I really needed to hear (even though it took this long for the light bulb above my head to turn on.)
I am a work in progress. Live and learn. I have so much to work on.
)