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Post Info TOPIC: 9/6/22 ODAT – Get Off Their Back


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 841
Date:
9/6/22 ODAT – Get Off Their Back


Powerful reading today that touches on the very heart of Alanon: dropping our efforts to control others. 

Controlling can take many forms: direct, subtly manipulative, outright reconstruction or light interference, obsessive observation, counseling, taking over their responsibilities. All have the same end: defeat for both parties.

I may even think that I have the right, even the obligation, to guide and direct them because of feeling superior in knowledge, insight, or moral compass and lack of alcohol dependance...Alanon suggests that is spiritual blindness.

From Tolstoy comes this impactful image of what this looks like:

Reminder: "I sit on a man's back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means - except by getting off his back."

"Teach me to leave to others their inborn right to dignity and independence, as I wish to have them leave mine to me." - unattributed

------------------

Oh my...back to the basics. Trying to control the alcoholic in my life is what brought me to Alanon and the realization that I needed help. With the help of the program, I reduced my interference involving alcohol to the degree that allowed them the freedom to find their own way, and me to start on the road to spiritual recovery and consistent bouts of Serenity...but that was just the beginning. 

I am also powerless over other people, places and things...really, everything outside of myself, in all aspects of life, not just involving alcohol. 

There are endless opportunities to let go and grow. There are layers to peel back in recovery, and as I continue my journey I have new realizations of where I can apply this core principle more, more consistently, more effectively.

These are areas that I don't first see as interference, control, but in fact they most certainly are. I have just discovered a giant area of work in a key relationship that I have been blinded to for years...huge opportunity to apply this principle towards, allow for more peace and respect for them, peace and respect for myself. 

If I am feeling vexed with someone, there is a good chance I can trace it back to an attempt to control. A certainty that I can experience more peace by applying more cowbell er, Program (2000 Christopher Walken reference, couldn't resist )

So grateful for the reminders  

 



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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2439
Date:

Paul, thanks for your service and wonderful ESH! OMG, I came to alanon to help me control my A! Highly disappointing at first, but it was a trade off in learning to (trying to) control myself. Betty was gently on my case often for trying to force solutions. Peace and respect for me allows peace and respect for others, and vice versa. And of course, we always need more cowbell. :)



__________________

Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 582
Date:

Love today's reading topic Paul, thank you for your service and to you and Lyne for both your ESH.

When I let go and let God and mind my own business there is peace!!

I agree about the "cowbell" analogy - more smiles are much better!!

The other day, AH had to drive my car and must have hit a curb that loosened the wheel cover so

that it was visible off center on the tire. I thought the rim was bent and had it checked out but

it turned out that the cover was loose and needed to be be readjusted and tightened down.

I instinctively did not ask what happened, I just gently pointed out that I noticed an issue with

the tire/cover and found the remedy. The look on AH's face, his demeanor and the fact that he

never owned up (did not expect him to, cause he never does) was so freeing!!! There was no

attitude/argument to deal with and I just moved on. I have learned with Al-Anon's help that

these issues, which pop up everyday lately, do not matter at all. Placing priority on what is

important is a major way to attain nirvana.  smile  Grateful!!



__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

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Posts: 323
Date:
RE:


Good Morning Everyone! As I read your post and all the shares, I was filled with relief. I definitely need to get back to basics. I had deceived myself into believing I was practicing program principles and was shocked when resentments kept popping up and multiplying. Thank you for the honest shares that free me to repeat lessons without feeling embarrassed for being a slow learner. (((MIP)))

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Veteran Member

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Posts: 56
Date:
9/6/22 ODAT – Get Off Their Back


Good evening everyone.

A few months ago AH told me something was none of my business. I was so offended and have held onto it for all these months. Guess what though? Today I realized it really wasn't my business and I finally let go of it and let go of that silent seething that I have been doing.

It seems silly now because at the time I really believed it WAS my business cause how was I supposed to tell him how to fix things if he wouldn't talk to me about it? How would he have been able to handle it on his own without my gentle,sweet(not) guidance?

What felt like the worst,most offensive,divorce worthy words to me "it's none of your business" turned out to be what I really needed to hear (even though it took this long for the light bulb above my head to turn on.)

I am a work in progress. Live and learn. I have so much to work on.

Have a good night everyone.







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Senior Member

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Posts: 250
Date:

Thanks Paul for your service and all for the shares. The reading helps me to again realize that to be happy, joyous and free is to keep the focus on my own life affairs. I am hostage to my own dis-ease when trying to control outcomes for others. At such times, I need to sit on my hands, zip my lip and resist the compulsion of over involvement. My ability to let go always rests in faith that a power greater than myself is working in every person's life. Imposing my will, interfering in that most personal of relationships (the one between an individual and their own higher power) is to see myself as the ultimate authority for the life and actions of another person. If it doesn't affect me, it's not my business. If it does affect me through some sort of enmeshment, perhaps I can take steps on my own side of the street to safeguard myself from fallout without infringing on the rights of another. In relationships of codependency rather than interdependency this becomes difficult but Al-anon's steps and traditions offer a reasonable road map for healthier choices in relationships. With continuous overreach, I can lose sight of unresolved things in my own life. Funny as the analogy of staying within one's own hula hoop may seem, it's sound advice imho. When either reaching outside or pulling another within to participate "my way," a closer look at the 4 M's in Alanon - Mothering, Managing, Manipulating and Martyrdom is my Al-anon tool of choice for getting honest and seeking healthier thinking and actions. How many of the 4M's can I tick off in any given situation? At times, it's been many. If not mindful, I can revert to reacting rather than responding.  It's rationalized as doing what's best for you (adult) or for both of us. An exception may be helping a young child without many decision making tools. But even in early development, fostering critical thinking, questioning and being permitted to make one's own choices is empowering and promotes confidence and personal growth. Funny how heightened my own awareness can be of another trying to exercise control over me. Perhaps when you can spot it, you've got it? ;) Have gotten better with this but I would be less than honest in saying I am where I would like to be with this. A work in progress.



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 7th of September 2022 09:48:03 AM

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



Senior Member

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Posts: 323
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RE:


Wow...the shares packed a punch and gave me plenty of laughs

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