(((((alanon family))))

I understand the meaning of these three words more right now than I ever have.

I have said before on another post that thanks to Alanon I have recently realized that one of the reasons I have stayed in a bad marriage to my A is because I was afraid of the insanity of my family of origin.Afraid of how they would pull me into all their sickness.I never thought I was strong enough to fight it and I know how crazy they make me.Being married to a man they didn't like has helped me to maintain a distance.They are all A's except my mother.I lived near them once,trying to have a relationship with them and it was horrible.I had to avoid answering the phone and door because of the stress and turmoil that surrounds them that they tried to pull me into.

The one sister that is next oldest after me quit drinking about 20 years ago with AA.She was happier for awhile Then she met a man in AA.He was newly sober so she did the 13 th step thing,I guess.For awhile things were ok with him,he seemed to me to be too good to be true.Never in my life had I known a man so attentive and thoughtful as he was with her.My A husband(active at the time) was not like that,my father was not,none of my brothers were with their wives and girlfriends,none of my sister's boyfriends or husbands were like that. Well, now they have the marriage from hell.They are both dry drunk,neither one is working a program or drinking.He has threatened to blow her head off, she has called the police on him,they cannot talk without getting into a fight.She has left him and come back at least 3 or 4 times.I have sat for hours on the phone with her while she drones on and on about what he said,what he did,on and on.She just vents.I have tried to help,in my pre alanon way of thinking I can solve other peoples's problems.She would feel better,thank me for listening,and I would hang up feeling like I had really helped her,I felt good about myself.

A week later she would be back on the phone with the same old things,on and on and again I would try to help.(Not sure which one was the sickest)I would hang up exausted but feeling like I did the right thing.Over and over this went on.She does the same thing to my non-A mom.She doesn't drink so she doesn't call the drinking A's in the family and go on and on with them.Probably because they would tell her the truth.I on the other hand avoid confrontation and fear her anger and besides, I "don't want to hurt her feelings".

Thanks to alanon,I am becoming very aware of many things.I see my part in the madness I described above.I see the alcoholics in my life differently.I see the role I am playing for them.This sister I was talking about above was recently very mean and cruel to my 90 year old mom.I was appalled at the way my sister treated her.Her actions and words have become irrational.Much like my dry drunk husband had become.I almost got into an argument with my sister a few weeks ago.We hung up abruptly,she knew I was mad and I knew she was mad.Normally in years past she would stop calling me for years over something like that.Well,today she called.I did not answer,she left a message to call her,she needed to talk to me about something.I finished watching a movie then thought I should call, it might be something important,All she wanted to do was talk about her husband again.She went on and on.She will even talk over me if I try to say something.She does not really want help or advice from me,she just wants to vent her sick and irrational thoughts.She asked why I have not returned her calls lately and I made up something.I said I am so tired when I get home from work I don't feel like talking.It was lame.But I never tell her the truth,I am afraid to.I made an excuse to get off the phone.

Ok, here's where the program is working in me.I was so upset I was shaking inside when I hung up.I went to my computer and started writing in my journal.I had a thought.Maybe what I should do is call her back and say, no the REAL reason I don't return your calls is because I am sick of hanging on the phone while you spew all your anger at your husband on me.I am angry at the way you have treated mom and sick of the way you try to control everyone's life but your own.You need to go back to AA because you are dry drunk and you are obsessed with the dry drunk you live with.

I almost picked up the phone and did that.

Then it came to me.She would not hear me.She has never heard me when I spent all that time trying to "help" her.She will probably hang up on me before I get 2 words out.Then I will be more upset.I would accomplish nothing,absolutely nothing.

The other thing I want to say is this.On my last post I mentioned going to alanon meetings years ago and not understanding why those women stayed with their A's and came to meetings so they could stay.I understand now.It's because we love the people behind the disease.I know this is not news to some of you but I have just figured this out.I know my husband.I love the man he can be.I have been with him 36 years.The dry drunk, the way he is when he is under the control of the disease is not him.Not the man I know and love.I guess we stay for those little glimpses of the real person that we care about.We know they are in there.We know that the person we love would not say those mean things or hurt us like the other person under the influence of the disease does.

I love my sister too and all my family.I can now tell when it's them and when it's the disease.

But,I have been so negatively affected by it that I must have space and time to heal.If I am sick and weak all I do is feed their disease.This has been my part in the madness.I must now step back and take care of myself.Right now I cannot leave my husband until this house is sold.But alanon will help me to live with him till then.I am just like those women whom I judged years ago.

But I can separate myself from my siblings as much as possible.I will hear about it from my mom and I will need this program and my tools and readings to deal with that without reacting.After she is gone I do not have to have them in my life unless I want to.

I hope thsi post helps someone else out there who has struggled with understanding alanon and alcoholism as I did.As they say...more will be revealed.

Love you all.          d