Thanks Paul for the reading and to you, DM and Lyne for your es&h. I lean on my Al-anon program to stay aware of my feelings every day all day. The gift of Al-anon has been practicing and appreciating being fully present in the moment and responding to life with recovery tools. Waiting is one of our topics in the index of our Courage to Change daily reading. It's been such an important one for me. Exploring it, I've learned a great deal about myself. One thing that was painfully obvious was an inclination to react rather than respond to people, places and things. For me, fear is always the culprit for reacting vs responding. Granted, some situations do call for quick, trust my instincts actions but these instances are rare. If there is any gift from having at one time gone from crisis to crisis, it's the ability to almost instinctively know what to do in many emergency situations. I'm grateful to be experiencing many less of them today.

One of my shortcomings is worrying which is another of our topics. Maybe I should just live in the W's ;) Willingness is there and that's a good thing! My connection to my hp is so important while paused from taking an action. I use the Serenity Prayer and consider every line and how it applies to an important decision that I need to make. I may separate myself from others to have quiet time with my higher power, identify what I am truly feeling rather than either project my past on the present or should on myself about my feelings. In other words, I am feeling this way but... if I were "healthier" if I was like "normal people," I would be feeling this way or not feeling the way I am currently feeling. Acceptance of where I am, making decisions based on my higher power's timeline, asking for help from that hp, feedback from others in the program, a sponsor are all recovery focused tools that have helped me and continue to help me today.

Also, one stark reality has been how much like the active alcoholics in my life I can be in my actions when I am impulsive rather than practicing restraint and using THINK (thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind) in consideration of choices and decision making. Of course I should never belittle, berate or feel somehow superior to the alcoholics in my life. They are their higher power's work in progress just as myself. No one wakes up one day and says I think I would like to be addicted to a substance and move from one impulsive action to the next to meet my needs. Under the influence of alcohol/drugs rational decision making is difficult and well... outcomes not so great. The same can be said for myself when if I don't wait/pause and instead go into full throttle reaction fueled by my emotions in the moment. Basically, in such a state; I'm drunk on feelings.

I'm grateful to face myself honestly concerning this. It's taken a few poor outcomes from reacting rather than responding to learn that pausing to consider my higher power's will for me is essential. I don't have to immediately act on feelings. I can ask for help from others who have been faced with a similar decision, research, gain perspective through conscious contact with my higher power and even turn to professionals or hire them for their expertise when faced with a situation for which I have no experience. I am not alone nor do I have to go it alone. I've found that these things have helped me to feel less fearful and more mindful in my choices, less reactionary.