The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a mess today. I asked my sober AH to come for the weekend. He said he was golfing and couldn't make it. He said next weekend maybe. Then he told me how he was so busy this afternoon helping his neighbor prepare for a race tomorrow. I asked him last weekend too. He said he was too busy. I know I am being avoided, I know I shouldn't ask, I know I shouldn't let it upset me, I know I should move on. But I just can't seem to get any stronger and not let it effect me so much. I have done everything alone this year. I have done everything he has asked. I know this sounds like poor old me but I just can't find my way to serenity. I pray to my HP and at times there is comfort. I go to my meetings, I read and read. I just feel so helpless. What is the difference between helpless and powerless?
Anyway, I am running in the race tomorrow. That is where I meditate. I don't go very fast but I try to set my goals and push myself. I say my mantra and my prayers and the 12 steps. I will let you know how it turns out.
oh big hug nancy. I sure know how you feel. It is so hard to accept that someone does not want to be with us like we want to be with them.
A's are horribly selfish. I learned my A was only nice when he thought he could get something from me. It was all a game.
For me, after being let down a few times, I quit asking. I do what I want to when I want to. I got where i would rather go alone or with a good friend than take him griping and complaining the whole time.
As you take care of you, you will let go of that invisible cord holding you to him.
glad you are here. love,debilyn who now prefers to be with out him.
Hello Nancy , you asked what is the difference between powerless and helpless? to me this prog says that I am powerless over alcohol (period) and I started to say the alcoholic just to make it more personal for me. I cannot make anyone spend time with me if they don't want to, and in reality why would I want to ? I deserve better and so do you . I am not helpless there is alot I can do to improve my life and al anon gave me the courge to do that regardless of what he is doing today I know that I will be ok .
this is a very selfish disease drinking or sober sometimes it takes awhile for things to change and sometimes they don't change at all ,they just stop drinking. Keep going to your meetings and keep the focus on your needs you are the only one u can change. Get your life back and if he comes back into your life great if not u will be okay. make new friends in the program , cultivate new hobbies anything to keep busy . get happy and do it for you. Louise
Oh it's so hard when they get sober Sometimes it's even more difficult. Soon you wll learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. It's a hard lesson to learn and it takes times.
You just have to remember to be good to yourself. You are a kind, loving, caring person who deserves every happiness in the world. Healing takes time, give yourself that. Meanwhile try and stay positive, and keep doing the things you love. Good luck on the race. No matter where you finish, you are already a winner my friend.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know personally with all I am going through in the process of losing mom that I want my A to be here for me. Some days he is 150% other days he's not and it hurts. I work hard at not letting his behavior get to me, but it's hard. Then I remember I am not perfect, this is work. Things were the same for so many years and I have changed. I have days I wish he would change other days when he is being so supporitive, I wish he would go away. So working a balance out is hard work. Like this morning, he was leaving to work a side job.....I let him know I am going to Seattle to see a stage production with my sister...(she lives 300 miles away but will be in town to take care of stuff with mom)(my mom has season tickets, I have went to many plays with her) he was trying to be supportive knowing getting away and doing something fun will be good for me...he said "that's cool, just you and your sister" I just said yep, then went back to my room and am all emotional. I know I won't see another play with my mom. Things are changing. He can't understand mom's illness, just like I can't understand his. I can only understand and acknowledge me. You have worked hard for the race, you have set goals! I admire you for your courage to race......hang in there and be gentle with yourself. You are doing great..... Hugs Mary
I am so sorry for your struggles right now. Your post was speaking to me.
Sometimes when I've done all the footwork that I can - sharing, journaling, going to a meeting, keeping busy, etc., the only thing left to do is relent - acceptance. Give it up to your higher power. For me, I get on my knees on the side of my bed, like the pictures of a small child praying, and ask God to help me (even with a few tears shedding due to frustration).
I hope it helps :hug:
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Dear Nancy, I heard your post loud and clear. I had my A on my mind for 18 years...through a marriage and two kids with someone else. I spoke to him every six months or every year or so during nine years apart from him. When we got back together, I was sure that it would be absolute heaven. Nine years of love and hanging on, it was like a miracle. He is an A though, so after six years of merry go round, I finally had enough and told him to get out again. He kept calling, then BOOM! one day he has a woman living with him...he had been telling me he was going to get help and wanted me back and so very much missed the kids, crying etc...just a few days before this news. I couldn't accept that I was not with him all those years before our reunion, it was in the middle of my marriage bed the whole time. I couldn't accept that he is living with someone else now. I drove to his apt and sat outside in the car. he saw me and came out. I told him that he just needs to tell me right to my face, once and for all...does he love her? Is he going to want me again ever? If so, then how long is it going to take to get through what ever this is? He replied that he is sick of hurting me, and he will jsut keep on hurting me...that yes, he does love her and he is with her now. I said "understood" and got in my car and drove away. It really really hurt, it was a horse kick in the stomach. But....it was what I needed to hear so that I could start to give it up. All of those years before that, he was telling me that he loved me and would love no one else like he loves me...for 18 years he said that! Make a long story short....ACCEPTANCE is the key here. I am accepting that there is nothing I can do for him, with him, because of him, any more. Us Alanoners...we are a mighty stubborn bunch indeed...and acceptance is the very hardest thing. We are every bit as stubborn as an A is about his alcohol...and an A cannot get a grip on things in recovery...he is doomed to repeat....until he finds that acceptance. Acceptance....the oxford dictionary says - "willingness to accept....approval or belief" BELIEF=acceptance. I take that as I have to BELIEVE it is over now, that I can move on, that it cannot work. I have to dig deep down in my brain for that...to find the logic and reasoning that will back up the belief, so that I can attain the acceptance of the fact that it is just no use, and no good. I have to find the willingness to garner the belief...this is acceptance. I hope this helps. Sweetums
Sometimes it's even more difficult. Soon you wll learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. It's a hard lesson to learn and it takes times. 
