The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks Debbie for your service and, wonderful share. I did have an epiphany with my older brother who abused me terribly for years in my FOO. A few years ago he had open heart surgery for a valve repair, and recently he had to undergo a repair on the same valve and the first repair on a different valve. With that first surgery I forgave him without trying. It just automatically happened. I have spent years having anxiety around him and only wanting to be with him in groups. I just had lunch with him alone a couple weeks ago.
Letting go of my anger, resentment, and fear of him, has been a wonderful and growing experience for me! I'm not 7 or 12, I have my own car with gas, I meet him on my own terms, and this only happened because of my work in this program. I love turning things over to God, whether important or silly. One of the things Betty taught me which I will always remember: I can't, He can, I will let Him (or Her!).
Thanks Debbie and Lyne for your shares on this important topic.
I have found that while letting go of resentments towards people who are no longer in my life has been transformative, those that are still in my life sometimes rear their heads and surprise me. With my own brother's drunk/ high behaviour and monopolising of family time and resources, I am finding my previous love and concern have started, finally, to morph into resentment. It's an ugly feeling that makes me feel disappointed in myself. So too, I find when my daughter spends time with her father and his wife I can feel resentful even though I have not seen nor spoken to either for more than two years now. I have even caught myself being angry in advance over how things might be if we ever have to co-grandparent. What a ridiculous way to expend my emotional energy lol. I have to shake my head at myself sometimes. I'll keep trying to turn the resentments over and hope for an epiphany
I didn't respond to this reading yesterday. Honestly I was thinking well I don't want to let go of resentments. Coming back today, and after thinking about it, I decided to share.
I think maybe I am using bitterness and resentment towards AH as a protective barrier around myself. Like,as a way to protect my heart. Every time I let go of all the anger and soften my heart to him I end up being hurt in some way,time and time again. So it seems easier to just always be mad and feel so much resentment and keep my heart hardened.
I don't think I am doing that, I know I am. And I know that it's messed up. I need to work on this,for sure, because being upset all the time is affecting me so much mentally,physically and spiritually.
It does feel so good when I let it all go and turn it all over to my HP. It changes everything, I am able to sleep well,eat well,my life feels different,so much better. But that disappointment,that hurt and pain when AH does something, cuts like a knife. And I tell myself that's it,not doing this, I am closing my heart off and holding onto every single thing he has ever done and not taking the chance on feeling this way again. That sounds irrational, purposely staying angry so that I am not hurt and angry if he does something to make me hurt and angry.
I am a work in progress. And I feel embarrassed sharing this but it's my truth,my reality. I need to make some changes in myself, I know that.
Have a good day everyone.
-- Edited by SunnyFrog on Saturday 6th of August 2022 06:05:21 AM
This is a topic which I have chewed on for many years. I find it impossible to just "let go and let god" or "just instantly forgive" or "choose to forgive".
I finally learned that I was confusing "let go" and "choose to forgive" with "forget and give it a pass".
Also: resentment often (always?) comes from feeling unheard.
When I put those things together, well, no wonder I excel at holding grudges and being mad!
What I need in order for that anger to pass through me, is to understand, and to acknowledge.
I needed to understand the disease of alcoholism before I could fathom my exH's behavior and realize that his hurtful behavior was not him being actively malicious or psychopathic. It was just him being an alcoholic. I just happened to be in the line of fire. To protect myself, I needed to get out of that line of fire.
I also needed to acknowledge (by speaking the truth about my life to my friends and family) that his behavior hurt me. Deeply. Horrendously. Since he refuses to take accountability or offer amends for his actions, I refuse to forgive him for anything. However, I can also choose to not spend my time actively hating him. The wounds he created are still wounds - but thanks to my own recovery, my inner core is more secure than it ever has been and those wounds don't threaten my survival like they once did. I may be battle scarred, but I'm still standing. In fact, I'm standing on the firm insistence that I am living my life on my terms - my values of sobriety in my home, and parenting to the best of my abilities. This is a 180 degree shift from a few years ago when I was trying to keep a burning ship afloat at home, while presenting a facade of perfect capability to the outside world.
Thank you so much everyone for your ESH on this topic!!
Lyne I am so happy for you that you are able to visit with your brother now!
YKM I believe that we are all on the right track and like the "Reminder" stated "I will remind myself that this relief will come in Gods time." "Then I can grow quiet, be patient and wait."
SF thank you for sharing and never be embarrassed!!! I think that being aware is half the battle!! {{HUGS}}
Fedora, thank you as well for your share and so happy that you are at peace, living your life on your terms.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
