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Post Info TOPIC: C2C, Monday, 7/25, saying yes when you mean no


~*Service Worker*~

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C2C, Monday, 7/25, saying yes when you mean no


The member discusses letting people take advantage of them.  That caused an enormous amount of anger, resentment, and guilt.  The member wondered why they denied their own feelings to gain someone else's approval.  They realized they lacked courage.  Would they be willing to accept that not everyone would be happy with a change?  They were fed up with people pleasing.  They could lean on their HP and say no when they meant no.

Quote:  There is a price that is too great to pay for peace....One cannot pay the price of self-respect.  Woodrow Wilson

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I know all too well about people pleasing and lacking courage.  I lived that way for many years. Lacking courage seemed paired with fear--would I be rejected, accepted, respected, if I said what I really needed/wanted/ deserved.  With alanon I have learned to trust myself, and speak about what I want or need.  I no longer care what other's think, except for my son.  I do hope to have his respect but I won't compromise on what I believe.  Yes it's scary sometimes, but progress not perfection.



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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Lyne for your experience and wisdom as it brings back the journey of my own recovery going from insanity to sanity letting the fellowship and my Higher Power do the lead. In service I give away what has been given to me hopefully praying that others will receive the miracles I have.   Again Mahalo.   ((((hugs)))) 



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Jerry F


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Good morning.

Perfect topic for me today. Over the weekend I was asked to do something I didn't want to do so I said no as politely as I could. I could tell the other person wasn't happy about it and at first I was ok but then started feeling guilty,went to them and did what they wanted. They didn't thank me or even appreciate it really.

Lesson learned. If I had just allowed myself to feel guilty without acting on it the feeling would have passed. Instead,by giving in, I ended up feeling hurt,used and manipulated. I hope I remember this the next time.

Live and learn....

Have a good day everyone.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you from me as well Lyne and Mahalo to you JerryF.

Strings attached to that love and caring/perspective including that reciprocal exchange etc., is what got me

into trouble. As well as those old expectations concerning what I thought I deserved in exchange for all that

I did/do for the alcoholic in my life (or for anyone for that matter). A lot to think about, but can see the whole

global picture how it all plays together. Al-Anon has definitely taught me how that what I decide to do has to

come from the heart with no strings attached, therefore no disappointment. I am certainly a work in progress!!

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks to all for the wonderful ESH. To Sunnyfrog, let's aim to let go of the guilt. Let go and let God. Let go or be dragged. Why should we feel guilty for being true to ourselves??? Do we count any less than others??? NO!

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Lyne



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Thanks Lyne for your service and to you and everyone for the shares. I'm so grateful for Alanon and the lessons of To Thine Own Self Be True. I'm truest to myself concerning saying No or Yes to a request from another person when I feel a sense of calm about the response I'm choosing. When I feel conflicted, I've found it's best to say No. When in doubt, don't. If I find myself creating scenarios in my head concerning how my answer will be received by another person, I've made that my higher power. I'm giving authority to another human being to define my acceptability. When there is a feeling of dis-ease within me, I know that I've switched up my personal happiness to be in servitude to another person. That has never felt very good for me. Basically, I've thrown myself under the bus.

Admittedly, it can be a real juggling act with family. It's become sticky for myself and my partner because now there are young children. They are a new generation born to my partner's non recovering children. Withholding visits with the children has been the response when choosing to say No to the parents. Painful though this may be, we have managed to remain true to ourselves. Most often the requests involve helping finance something frivolous for themselves as a couple. When we say No, our response is not well received. Needless to say, I/we feel a deep sense of sadness over this type manipulation and distancing that they exercise when we say No.  It's further resulted in the babies, a new generation being unable to get to know us themselves and being imprinted with their parents feelings about us at a very young impressionable age. It hurts to witness the children's natural familiarity with other family members at gatherings and shyness around us due to lack accessibility to us. A very sad situation of conditioned love is being set by their parents.

This can be one sad outcome from choosing to recover. I choose to make myself a priority, have changed the old game of allowing myself to be used but others have not necessarily changed and are still expecting to get the same mileage out of me. Specifically to the example I've given in this post, there are three sets of grandparents in the family and all want time with the grandchildren. We have seen how the other two sets of grandparents fiercely compete for that time and showering the new parents with more and more money for new house furnishings, vacations etc, are enabling my partner's children in order to get more time with the babies.

So, it can be a rather lonely ride at times this12 step recovery journey. If you are experiencing anything like this I hope you feel a little less alone now. The rooms of 12 step programs are filled with people like us who have chosen sanity, serenity and sobriety over dysfunctional family dynamics. I'm so grateful to have my eyes opened and to be progressing toward healthier behaviors and choices that honor and prioritize my well-being and sanity. As god awful painful as it is, my partner and I agree to become a smiling people pleasing, say Yes doormat again for my part and a "not worthy of forgiveness" lifelong amends maker as a recovering alcoholic for his part by financing his children's lifestyle in order to keep them close is in a word - abnormal. Grateful for trust in a loving hp to guide my life and decision making. Continued prayers and gratitude for the safety and well-being of our family and acceptance of others as they are. I consider something I heard - People don't love us as we are, they love us as they are. This helps me with a jumping off point for acceptance and unconditional love of others. It helps to take the sting out of the hurt a little bit.

 



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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TT, thank you for sharing your ESH.

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Lyne



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Hi TiredToNight, thank you so much for your sharing, as when I read it, I thought to myself that is what Hope all about, hearing other peoples experience. I can so relate to nearly all of what you shared, and your pain, with what you and your Husband are dealing with your Family. As I, too, am walking that journey. As I have previously shared on MIP, I challenged my son and his Partner for the way they had and were treating my 3 Grand Children. I simply could not stand by and watch of how they were breaking their spirits, and the emotional abuse they were being subjected to.

I was always pro-active within my own Family, especially with my 3 Children, having to protect them from their very violent Alcoholic Father, and also from being treated like that from my own Parents. As a child I learnt well, of how I had to stand up for myself and protect myself from the damage.So when I had my 3, and then the Grand Children, then the Great Grand Children came along, I was ever alert. As I knew about the Disease and its affects from many years in Alanon. Also knowing it was well and truly alive within my Children and theirs. I didn't want my little ones to go through what I did, and have no voice. So I became theirs.

All of them knew of how I felt, and that I wasn't going to watch it happen and not say anything, I stood up for what I believed in.So I brought it all out in the open, to say what happened after that, I wasn't prepared for the after blast. I nearly lost all of my Family Members, as they all took sides, today I have half of them back, but the other half, no. The price I paid, was/is for many, many years, I haven't seen, heard of my 3 Grand Children, nor my son, or my other daughter. Who wanted to take charge of it all, and fix it, so as to keep it under the carpet, when I said "No" I lost her as well.

How I have gotten through all of it, is by the Grace Of God, I have felt the guilt of what I did.Sometimes the little voice says,all the what if's. But I am getting better at dealing with them. Especially when I was told that I was breaking up the Family, and Yes, by my actions, I did, and caused them a lot of pain, by my standing up and challenging them. I did cause it. I have reached out to my son over the time, saying that I am sorry for the pain that I caused all of them, not for challenging them but the pain associated with my decision. I always send a message for all of their Birthdays, Christmas etc, I get nothing back, but I give it to my Higher Power, and believe that His Will, will be done.

It has/ is a very painful journey for me, as their is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them, and send them my love on the wind. All the time I was allowed to be in their lives, we had so much fun, I taught them about love, and affection and to be able to be themselves, and laugh. We had such a wonderful relationship, as I knew what they were living with, and with whom. That helps me to keep going, that I had the years that I had with them, I gave them a foundation that no one can take away from us.

So, that is why, TiredToNight, I wanted to thank you for your sharing, as it helps me know and feel that I am not alone in my journey. Not that I would wish it on anyone, I would not, it doesn't take away the pain of it, but it helps.

My Love,

WendyP.



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You're welcome Lyne. Trying to keep it honest when sharing is my way of processing and getting to the other side. The only way I can make progress is to share honestly and release what weighs heavy on my heart where it feels safe to do so.

Wendy, thank you. I'm glad if something I shared helped. I've followed your shares and they have helped me too. It sounds like you are continuing to do what's in your power to be a presence in the life of family members. We are also doing the same as limited as it is, it's something. Like you, I am choosing life affirming actions daily to practice acceptance of what is. I am learning one day at a time to give myself the very love that others refuse from me. It's an offering of gratitude to my hp for my own life and an affirmation of my worth to myself. I also continue to pray for guidance by my hp. Life is too short to not make the most of every single day.

I've learned that just about anything I offer, say or action I take can be twisted by family members who are not open to accepting me and I can be scapegoated. I've taken back my personal power in this area by acknowledging to myself that if there was loving intention in it, the guilt I'm feeling is misplaced. In other words, feelings aren't facts. I may be sorry about the outcome but I'm truly of the belief today that such things are part of hp's plan and that lessons aren't always for me. Sometimes lessons for others and I'm hp's unwitting messenger. Anyway, whether it's true or not, that rationalization helps to keep me out of obsession and to stay sane. I certainly can't rule out that something good may come from something that feels painful for me personally at the moment. In fact, I can look to experiences where it happened as proof. I remain hopeful. Thanks again for sharing, Wendy. I'm grateful your honesty and that you keep coming back.



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 29th of July 2022 10:03:39 AM

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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Such lovely shares and great topic Lyne, thank you to everyone {{HUGS}}

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie

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