and what if they die - Al-Anon Family Group

lilms · Senior Member

and what if they die

mebjk · Senior Member

Dear Annie,
You have been living with insanity, and most of us here know what it is like to live like that. It sounds as if you have been trying to set some limits with your stepdaughter, and your partner is not adhering to those limits.
This is the right place for you to be. We in Alanon have found a place where, through going to meetings and working the 12 steps, we learn to take care of ourselves and set boundaries and limits that are healthy and safe for us. That is difficult to do in any love relationship.
There is no right or wrong answer to what you are to do. We don't give advice, but we do share our experience, strength and hope, strength that we have all found through dealing with a person who is addicted to a substance. In the end, you will have to do what is right for you. You are worth it.
Keep coming back. Find a good face to face meeting. Try more than one meeting if the first one is not a "fit" for you. Get some phone numbers. Find a sponsor, someone who will help you to work the steps. Those are the things that have worked for me, and my life is serene and peaceful now.
I keep coming back to Alanon.
Good luck to you and welcome to Alanon.
Blessings,
mebjk

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ((Annie))

Sheesh!! How frustrated you must be. It's really too bad that the Mother can't see that she is doing the exact opposite of what she thinks she is doing, when in fact she is making it even easier for her daughter to die by enabling the disease ( giving her money, shelter etc).
No one ever hit bottom by being coddled. I pray she figures that out.
If an addict never feels the consequences of their actions, there is no reason to change a thing.

IMO, you have every right not to have illegal substances in your shared home. You will have to decide what to do and where your boundaries lie.

Keep coming back
Christy

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Annie, we have no control over who lives and dies. Whether she lives there or not has nothing to do iwth it.

Believe me please, to allow her to stay there helps the disease. She is even more comfortable and it makes it easier for her to use.

I completely relate to both sides.

The book,"Getting Them Sober" is an excellent one to read. It is easy to understand, is not real heavy and gets to the point.

We want them miserable, that is such a hard concept to accept about our loved one. But the more miserable they are, the better.

They can only really face how horrible they feel, and want to change if they are really, really down and sick of being sick.

Some have to lose everything to get on a program of recovery. They either get sick enough to do this or they die.

By babying them, we are making things so much worse. Then need us to be tough for them.

They need us to protect ourselve from this horrible disease that touches everyone around it.

I am so glad you are here. That book would really help.

If your s. daughter was on a program of recovery, she would be glad you guys protected yourself for the disease. She does not need the guilt of hurting you at all.

love,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Annie , what if she dies you asked. Well it won't be because of anything u did or didn't do. we all pray that they don't die . You cant stop her if that is what she wants for herself. tough one to wrap your h ead around I know , but allowing them the dignity to live or die the way they choose is the right thing to do>

You have a right to say what goes and does not go in your own home here we call that aboundary. good luck i hope u find some f2f meetings for yourself soon . they will help alot perhaps your partner will go with you . Louise

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

A hard choice, especially for her mother, but one thing we say here is "Nothing changes if nothing changes", and another is "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

We do no favours to the A by keeping them from the consequences of their disease. All we do is prolong their suffreing (and yes, while using they ARE suffering - why do you think they need all that pain relief?) An A will not start to get better until being sick hurts too much.

No one who loves an A wants to hear this. We believe that if we were to do just the right thing, the hell we live in would be over. Sometimes, it looks for a little while that we have found the magic answer, but it always turns out to be for nothing. That is because it is not ours to fix. We are not powerful enough to make them drink, and we are not powerful enough to make them stop.

We can, however, help ourselves, and that is what alanon is for. Welcome, I hope you and your wife find some comfort here.

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Annie,

It is difficult isn't it?

Good for you for seeking some support.

As a mom I can so relate to how your partner feels. But as a mom with alanon I know that nothing I can do will control my child. Letting her live there is not letting her face the full consequences for her actions. And could hinder her from hitting her bottom.

"Let Go and Let God" that is the slogan that pops into my head here.

Keep coming back.

Much Love,

angel123 · Senior Member

Hi Annie so glad you found the board to post a message.There have bin many that have died,and there have bin many that have not.What another choices for there life is not our responiblity,all I can do when my loved ones young adults go out and drink.Is give them to my HP I call God.I remember feeling guilt one time and took it to my face to face meeting.The topic was guilt and I learned there is false guilt and real guilt.If I did something intestionly to hurt another than I have reason to feel gulity.But false gulit is not real.Only as much as I let my mind think it is.Please do not let that get in your mind.Will keep you and yours in my prayers.I suggest tring f2f meetings as well, for it opens many doors for you.love in recovery Sharon/angel

kspear · Veteran Member

Annie,

Sounds like a tough place to be in.

What I'm going to say might sound less than compassionate, but that's not what's meant by it. It's just hard to convey compassion in text sometimes.

If a cancer patient dies from cancer, no one blames the family members. If a heart attack claims another victim, no one blames the family members. As it truly is with alcoholism/addiction. It is not the fault of another, but it is the disease that claims the lives. Although people are usually more than happy to jump out of the woodwork to blame people when it comes to the alcholism/addiction.

It is a sad fact of life that many, many alcoholics and addicts do indeed die from this disease. But it is an amazing miracle that many do not. Many find the path of recovery.

It's hard to watch a loved one go through these things - we always want the best for them. I'm learning firsthand the total and complete powerlessness to "fix" another person. It took something outside of the disease of alcoholism to drive the point home. My mom was just recently diagnosed as incurable in her battle with cancer. There is absolutely nothing I can do to help her get better. And there is nothing I did to cause it. As it is with alcoholism. I am powerless, utterly and completely, over alcohlism. I cannot "drive" them to drink. I cannot stop them from drinking. I cannot cure the alcoholic. But as I continue to love my mother, I will continue to love the A's in my life. And I can change me and how I handle it.

I don't know why I just went on like that. Apparently I've needed to see these words in black and white myself, to remind myself that I can love my son without trying to "fix" him.

So, I totally probably went off on a tangent, as I am not unknown to do. But thanks for making me think of it.

I hope you find some peace here.

Karen

-- Edited by kspear at 22:16, 2006-05-05

ernie · Member

(((hugs))))

So sorry to hear you are going thru all this...I can so relate. My Duaghter is 23 and an Alcoholic. think she has given up most of the drugs other than pot...which she considers harmless lol

I do understand the turmoil you feel. I remember how hard it was to admit and see the seriousness of her problem. 1 1/2 years ago she was heavy into crack. I did what I think a lot of mom's do. I helped her with her rent, coddled her etc. For me at the time that was what i needed to do. I wasnt ready to accept her addiction. When she decided to be honest with us about her addiction we let her come home. she was to clean up we gave her 1 month to get her head cleared up then told her she would have to work pay rent etc. During that month she found alcohol. It was so hard to make her leave. She actually left during a fight we had while she was drunk. I wasnt in recovery at all back then so I always re-acted. Now she lives at her b/f house. I stay out of her disease. I see her everyday as we work together but have learned to detatch myself, I love my daughter I dont love her disease.

As a mother it is so hard to accept and sometimes our denial doesnt allow us to see the exent of our childs problem. IMO i think that we accept when we are ready to...until then the denial protects us. Maybe not healthy but when we are ready to truely accept the exent of it. then our HP allows us to stop dening. Somedays I still think she just may have a handle on it. That's what i need to think that day for me to be ok. I still give her money when she needs it. I just recently bailed her out of jail. The question was what do i need to do for ME. the answer for me that day was I need to get my daughter out of jail. I did make her pay me back the bail money and I am letting her deal with the courts on her own. I just knew i wouldnt be able to sleep that night with her in jail. Sometimes we do the right thing, sometimes we do the wrong thing That is ok. My sposer tells me all the time. It is OK to make a mistake.

As for your question..what if she dies....The first al-anon speaker I heard said something that really stuck with me. If they die on the street because you set boundries and said no will you be able to forgive yoruself. If they die in your living room will you? For me that was an eyeopener. I cant control her disease. and I pray it wont kill her. But i cant watch her kill herself in my house.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

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