I have read alot of the stuff on the board the last couple of days. I took sometime away from it all for me. Took time off work to figure out what makes me Smile inside and out and wasn't feeling all that great. Happiness for me is being me being happy, perky, humble when wrong, not being afraid to say how I feel trying to show love in all situations and not anger or try to hurt others. Been a long time since I have felt that way. 

What is it that I want from life right now for me it is me to be happy and free of fear, anxiety, hurt, not being able to trust. What are my fears. What makes me so scared that I don't want to talk to people on the net and haven't really talked that much on the net lately. Everytime I try I feel I am being singled out (my own insecurities I know). That is one of my fears I deal with. I am a TOO sensitive about things I am the kind of person that wears her heart on her sleeve always have. But I have also tried to always to make others feel like they matter because in my book we all matter. I know in time that fear will go away just don't know who or how to trust anymore other then myself and some very close friends I have talked to on the phone. I have been a net user for years. But until recently I haven't felt safe here on the net. I don't understand why I am feeling like this think I read more into something then what was really there.

I think alot of it started when I stopped trusting my A I let my mind play out all the bad senerios (sp?). I got on the net when I was obsessive and weak and hurting to look for him. To see if he was messing around. I thought he was pulling away from me. This was why I found this program. Now I know it is part of the illness. For me it is one of the things that makes this so hard for me my recovery. Because I want to talk and share and try to heal inside but I feel like I am hendered in doing so at times. So I don't go into chat rooms much anymore because I start feeling uncomfortable and I leave. I came clean with him and told him the truth, that I had been looking for him on the net that too was before the program. 

That is when I decided I needed help that I was powerless to it. That it was destroying me and everything in mylife because I was letting it consume me. I don't drink much at all. When I do it doesn't take much I have a low tolerance. So I choose not to drink often. Besides with my history with my past addiction, too easy for me to pick this one up. I almost did many years ago. I have seen alot of good and bad in him over the years. But in the same respect he has seen the same from me. I don't know what the future holds or even if he and I will have a future. Not in my hands to decide HP has this one for me. But I do know that he is my friend in good or bad times and we have always tried to be there for each other. To me that means alot. I know the 3 C's now. So I think it is making me see things so differently. I try not think about things the way I did before. Because now it is about me not us.

But anyhow, I miss the old me that could joke and laugh and feel comfortable on the net. So I am thankful for the f2f because I can do that there and feel safe. But while I am going to f2f I still have to face this fear too. So I am trying please understand "I will get to where I need to be but first I have to deal with my fear", I know my HP is there for me I know my hp will look out for me. So I will try, and try, and try. Until I get past this fear.

One day at a time, One step at a time

Angeleyes