Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: 7/5/22 C2C – A View of Detachment as Freedom


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 863
Date:
7/5/22 C2C – A View of Detachment as Freedom


This writer notes that 'detachment' can be misunderstood, but for them it means freedom - ownership of their own, and others: theirs. 

Seeing this as a freedom allows them to hold onto their humanity as measured by ability to recognize another's pain and joy, to still identify, love and care about them... To not take things personally. 

All this but without feeling the need to remove their pain, change them, or like everything they say or do; this is an Alanon success story. 

Reminder - I can detach and still feel, love...let them take care of theirs while I take care of mine. I can detach without losing compassion.

"Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge." - George Herbert
--------------------
Ah, detachment with love...a miracle of Alanon, something for which I strive but have much room for improvement. For me it seems more difficult the closer the individual is to me. I blur some of the lines of what is theirs and what is mine in the areas of shared responsibility.

This detachment page is helpful for me as it provides a helpful perspective: consider what they are going through first, not just how I fear it will negatively impact me. Feel compassion for them even if I feel their pain is self inflicted. After all, most of my life's pain has been self inflicted also, didn't make it less painful. 

Once I successfully tap into compassion, the harshness of my feelings and potential response can fade, allowing space for Alanon guidance to emerge. The result is so much better for all...grateful for the reminder

 



__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 645
Date:

Thank you Paul for today's reading, your service and ESH, all so very much appreciated!!

Ahhhh the art of detachment. I am getting better at understanding how and why which has enabled

me to definitely feel freer. It works when you work it!!

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 270
Date:

Thanks Paul for your service and share. Detachment is something I am always working on particularly with those closest to me. It's been about finding the middle ground. Progress for me in my relationships has been reflective of interdependence rather than enmeshment, acceptance of others as they are rather than exhibiting self will to change other people. 

I'm reminded of the Al-anon statement that the disease of alcoholism takes hostages. Quick to point the finger outward at the alcoholic's perceived control over myself and family, this reading helps to demonstrate similarities between myself and the alcoholics in my life, when it comes to controlling others. When inventorying such behavior, I might ask myself if I am drunk on feelings, drunk on power over others, ego - edging God out. Am I trying to shape others in my own image, attempt adjust their actions to extract personal happiness rather than seek it within myself?

There are times I have chosen intervention rather than detachment. I felt it was necessary, humane, compassionate, life saving. This is where common sense has prevailed when taking actions concerning active alcoholics in my life. Allow the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of their actions may sound like progress for an Al-anon who has rescued in the past. But in my humble opinion, when my motive exhibits lack of conscience, fear to act or emotional numbing in relation to taking the next right action concerning the well-being of another person, there's denial and practicing detachment with an axe. I can recall such a crisis and am grateful that a loving higher power entered and the outcome was a positive one. So for me, the Al-anon statement Detachment with love does not mean detaching from the person but from the agony of involvement is something I try to consider from situation to situation and take ethical action.

Minus chaos and drama, I've found in most everyday situations with others taking a closer look at the 4 M's Mothering, Managing, Manipulating and Martyrdom during my interactions with others has helped me with self focus and balance. I can choose to offer loving support or accept a request to help someone. When I'm practicing loving detachment, I'm honoring the choices of others if they differ from my own. I honor their right to make them. I try to do what is asked of me. It's not time to do what they request a better way. I can offer the idea but not argue for it. That isn't being helpful.To impose my will is to lapse into controlling outcomes concerning others, disrespecting their right to make choices and not truly honoring their request as they've made it. So in everyday situations, when I choose to help others, I try to detach from my ego, from thinking that I know what's best for others and worse yet acting upon it. Their own higher power is present and guiding them.

 

 



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 5th of July 2022 09:34:21 AM

__________________

Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2484
Date:

Thanks Paul for your service and for all above ESH. Detachment is one of the tools that has given me freedom, however, there are many! At times I can detach with love, but there are times when I simply cannot. I'm better at detaching without anger and resentment, but I'm always a work in progress. Progress not perfection. :)

__________________

Lyne

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.