The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found my A last night after mulitple attempts to contact him on his cell phone. He was in the American Legion, thankfully I knew a lady going in and asked her if she could get me in too. (need a key card to enter) She gladly obliged. I walked in and there sat my A, he look stunned to say the least to see me. I asked who he was there with, he replied nobody. He then demanded I give him the key to his apartment back, which I took off of my key chain and handed to him. Then we left together shortly afterwards. I took my son to stay at my brothers house so Chris and I could talk.
He told me, he had been drinking keep in mind, that he just started thinking about my Pro Life convictions, the fact that I voted for George Bush not just once but twice, and that I watch FOX news and that got on his nerves. He decided that we are not compatable. He is a hard core democrate leftist, and he is not used to answering to me. He does not want to live his life being held accountable for his actions. He wants to live life just going wherever the wind blows him. He cannot stand being with a conservative. He does not want to answer to me about where he is and who he is with doing what.
I was stunned and nauseated. I told him I thought he was right. I dont want to be with someone who does not respect the very basics of who I am, and I have no intentions of giving up Christian values or moral convictions and not to mention my choice in news channels, how petty!
The bizarre circumstance lead us to a country club golf course looking for his cell phone which he had lost somewhere on the front 9. During the course of walking the first 3 holes we did not speak. All I could think of is WHY am I on a golf course looking for this mans cell phone who just told me he does not think we can be together any longer because of my morals and convictions? I was sure if I saw my reflection in the water I would see STUPID spelled out in black letters across my forehead.
Soon he caught up to me, I was walking ahead of him. He grinned and giggled and said "I'm sorry baby. I do love you girl. I think you are the sweetest thing." Then he held my hand. I was elated, frightened and confused.
We talked a little. He told me over and over he was sorry, this is a word I hear often from my A.
He stopped and hugged me tightly and kissed my neck and told me he loved me again and again.
He held my hand, we found his phone, someone had found it in their golf cart and brought it into the club house.
When we left he kept touching me, telling me he loved me.
I know I am a fool. I had my way out. I had my plan.
I let him pull me back in.
He told me he was going to go home and shower and he would be over to my place soon. He never showed.
This morning he called me and told me he was again going golfing. Asked me if I would play Euchre with him tonight. I agreed.
I prayed the serenity prayer all morning. I asked God to deliver my heart from pain, suffering, confusion and show me my path, hold me now and give me only what He wants me to have.
I fell right back in with my A.
I know noone here wont understand, which is why I feel comfortable exposing myself completely. My mother is going to sh*t a brick. I am scared to tell anyone we are still going to be together, and for how long??? Who knows. Cant wait for the "I tried to tell you" from my mother.
OK...please respnd telling me I am not a fool-not a weakling-or that I am, whichever.
And PLEASE pray that the Lord touched my A and me and gives us peace and love and that we can both cope with his disease.
u r not alone we so want to hope we sooo want love and we tend to look in the empty well. cuz occasionally like last night the empty well has a small drink of cool water to tease us. but it is still the empty well and u still can choose differently. but there r no right answers perhaps u hav more to teach eachother.
but go gently forth and be as honest with yourself as possible. remeber the communication tools we learn in here saying what we mean in the 'I feel" format. saying i luv u but....i cannot do ......
peace,
luv123 or sha-angel
__________________
Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
like i said in your last post reply, i've been right where you are, going back and forth , up and down , i was twisted like a pretzel. Using the tools and working the steps of this program do help for real :)
don't beat yourself up for going back with him, and also, other people's opinion of us is none of our business. (<--something i need to remind myself of constantly) you have choices in who you confide in...i stopped complaining about my A with certain people who were not in program. they simply could not understand why i would stay and wanted only to protect me against any harm.
i wish you the best in whatever decisions you make
you are not stupid! you are dealing with a disease that is cunning, baffeling and powerful. why do we think that we are stupid for loving and wanting to be loved? you are doing the best you can right now. don't be so hard on yourself. for a long while i had the mentality that i made my bed now i have to lie in it (now know to me as martyrism) then i went about feelin ashamed that i chose to go back even after the affair and all the other things. i believed others would think i was just plain stupid or really defective that i would go back. but then my cousin ( not in the program) said to me that i was teaching my childern that just because someone is sick does not mean we just throw them away. that made me feel so much better about the situation. and this program taught me that just because someone we love is sick does not mean we also have to be sick. i agree with luv that there may be more that you have to learn from each other. the 18 months that i spent with my husband after i went back readied me for detatching with love so that i could leave and still love him. that was key for me because we have 3 kids and i didn't want to hate their father. that is the worst. my parents split and never spoke again. to this day i am scarred by that. so we don't know what tomarrow will bring ( thank god!) just keep comming. you are getting better!
Hello, Jennifer, I'm sorry this is so hard, and it sounds so crazy right now. Your A is real good at manipulating you, and it sounds as if he knows that. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't change it. It also sounds to me as if the political thing is another ploy, a reason for him to leave on his part. Remember, being a Christian doesn't always mean you voted for George Bush and have the only moral values! Your A is entitled to his, too! Be sure to take care of yourself. Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Make sure you work the steps, they are what really changes us, and changes our lives. If you do those things, you will find serenity. Serenity does not come in a day or without some sense of loss on our parts. Blessings and prayers to you, mebjk
She said that my A is worse than my adultering husband and he is no longer welcome in her home. I am a f'ing fool (and she does NOT say the F word), I care more about my A than my own life and children, I should hang up on him every time he calls and if I do answer just tell him to go to Hell.
I listened, did not argue or try to reason.
I called her an hour later after she I hoped had enough time to cool down. I told her I knew the reason she was being so hostile is because she loves me, and I love her and respect her.
She still got in my butt, and she still is adament about dropping this man.
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH life is grand baby!
Boy have I been there...deeply in love with someone when all of sudden they pull out the rug from under you...you, being a rationale intelligent person strive to make sense and deal with crazy behavior...sometimes, you feel like YOU are going crazy trying to deal with someone who has gone crazy.
This is what being in love with a crazy addict is about...you are carried along on one insane ride.
My experience, strength and hope?
Well, I can tell you that eventually you will reach your bottom...one day all of his disrespectful and emotionally abusive treatment towards you will be enough for you. What you have to decide is how far down you are willing to go before you decide that enough is enough.
Jen...is stalking your bottom? Because that is what you did "breaking into" the American Legion. He COULD have called the cops on you, he went there to avoid you, stopped taking your calls, and you TRACKED HIM DOWN and ILLEGALLY broke into private property. That is stalking in most states...
I am not judging you...
I can tell you that when caught up in the insanity of dealing with an addict, sometimes we just can't think straight. Friends and family are often the voice of reason in this case.
Many times we avoid the voice of reason...there is often a little voice inside of us letting us know that we are too good for this behavior...but we ignore that voice and try to ignore anyone that mimics that voice when caught up in the insanity.
Jen, I have felt all of the feelings that you are feeling for one particular guy I dated. All of the things that you say he says I have heard before (with the exception of the voting for GB and watching Fox news part, LOL). So, having been in your shoes I remember the craziness, the depths of despair, the desperation to work things out with him.
Thank goodness I had a real friend who did not judge, did not criticize, but simply held up the mirror of REALITY to me.
It helped me, so maybe it will help you.
OK, Jen, you have now passed from being a desperate woman chasing after a guy to:
1) Engaging in illegal stalking behavior which can land you in jail (try explaining that to your son and Mom).
2) Violating the law by illiegally tresspassing on private property, once again, something that can get you arrested. Don't forget, since you were stalking someone when you did it, you could actually be charged with "CRIMINAL TRESPASSING". Sigh! Want to call your mom from jail?
Don't think he will ever call the police on you? Don't bet on it...addicts are unpredictable.
How do you feel about yourself when you actually become a lawbreaker trying to deal with this man?
(((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))
Take it from someone who has been there...
I know that drawing close to my daughter at the time, spending more time with her really helped me. Even though I thought about him every single second and it was all I could do to not call him...I kept thinking about what my daughter would think of me if she knew. Making it such a priority to give her a "normal" life with a "normal" Mom really gave me strength. I took her to museums, to parks for picnics, and many times took a friend with me to help me to be strong.
Try not to do anything now that you will be ashamed of later...
And, if nothing else be HONEST with yourself.
He was avoiding you and you stalked him and trespassed to track HIM down and went after him. So, he did NOT "pull you back in", you tried to pull him back in...
So, be aware of what you are doing. You have not had enough clearly...OK...once again that is your choice. But at least KNOW it is your choice, don't blame it on him...
