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My A has had some major outbursts and rages the last two days and of course he blames me for his reactions and actions. Says if I didn't say that this way, or make a comment like this that way he wouldn't get so furious with me. Wednesday, I asked him to take the kids to school and I would fill his car up with gas and then we'd swap in the afternoon. That was fine but when I said I needed my credit card right back because I had to buy some things at the store on my lunch break, he immediately took defense and said it was because I didn't trust him. Well, that's true about money but honestly that was not the reason. He never allowed me to explain why I needed it back. He was still reeling from the night before because we put $500.00 worth of tools on this card for a job he just got, well hopefully. (Background check and all). I was freaking about it we just got out of debt, but I calmed down after to talking to sis in law and she said my brother had to do the same thing when he started the electrical business. He got angry that I calmed down only after talking with her. He said my word should be good enough and you shouldn't have said anything about the $500.
That morning, he over reacted threatened to leave us again because I have gone right back to being a miserable controlling bitch. Says the last four weeks all I've done is mope around depressed and crying and dragging him down. I'd like to know what house he's been living in. I have posted my progress and I've gone back and read my posts. There is hope and peace in them. My life has been awakening because of the choices I am making to focus on myself and my HP. He doesn't see that for me. He only sees the negative in me and I'm being blamed for saying things and doing things I have not done. I am being scapegoated is what it feels like. I said sounds like you want to leave and blaming me would help you feel better about it. He says the same is true for me, he says I'm purposely doing all these things so he will leave. (That's sick thinking isn't it?) Get out has not been utterred from my lips and will not be uttered because it should be his choice if that is what he wants. I thought he was happy, I am baffled and befuddled by his acusations and hurtful remarks. I feel there is no amount of change that can happen in me that will make any difference in my relationship with him. He's unhappy and does not feel worthy of being a man. He said I make him feel like less than a man and a father with my comments and remarks. I am searching honestly with in myself and my actions to see is it me? Am I doing these things? I could breathe too heavy and he would take it as me being depressed and upset with him. My feelings my thoughts my expressions he immediately thinks its me being upset or angry with him. My sis in law said she doesn't believe he can forgive himself for the things in life he has done. She believes he doesn't feel worthy of this relationship and this family. She believes he's freaked out about the new job because it could mean success and happines and he doesn't believe he can measure up, so he's projecting those feelings on me.
Well, yesterday I found out that he and his buddy went to a strip club Wednesday night. He says he didn't do anything with the girls and that he was there for his buddy. His buddy paid to have sex with one of the girls. One of the girls at one of the many phone numbers they called that night called my A back last night. He didn't answer the phone, but they call back to solicit their business. He was enraged at me because I found out by checking his phone records. I check phone records to make sure he isn't calling the other girl, which so far he has not. Trust was being built back for me, security,etc. Now, it seems he's back to being unhappy with me and wanting to leave, going to a place like this, which he says I don't even like those places. Meanwhile, he has charged outrageous amounts of money on our phone bill 3 years ago, two years ago got a large bill from a website he got stuck in. So, the roving eye is there. In praying over this I feel in myself that I need to make the changes in me for me. It's time to put it in overdrive for myself. Being happy and keeping busy will be the only thing to keep me out of his business. I have been clingy, looking over his shoulder, etc. If he is going to walk he will walk no matter what I do or say. I have to know that I have options and begin to build inside of me the security I long for.
I'm sad that these things have to be this way. What is the purpose of HP bringing this person into my life. Was it not to have a family? I know so many are for getting out while you still can, letting it go, that alternative is not acceptable to me. I don't believe my HP wants that for my children or me, my resolve to stay committed is foolish to some, it doesn't matter what they think. In the end I will either have a healthy happy life with my A who may or may not "get it" about himself, or I will have a happy healthy life by myself with my kids. I don't know if people can understand that it must be his choice to leave, because I believe there is hope for us. I guess there is no right or wrong answer in this, its what feels right to me. Thanks for letting me share and ramble. Peace today...
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Bless your heart... I know where you are and I will pray for your strength. You are right that only you know how to handle the relationship, others really don't have a stake in it. To be honest I don't even feel like my AW has a stake in how "I" decide to proceed with our relationship. And I expect her to do the same... we will go from there.
Feel comfort in the fact that my AW does exactly the same thing. Last night it was over buying acid for the pool, or calling someone to tell us what to do to clean it. She was inthralled by the fact that I wanted to add the acid we were supposed to put in every month and haven't for 5 months. Maybe that's why it's turning green on the edges!
I can tell imediatly if I have wronged her in my actions or words. I get instant pangs of guilt. For a long time I didn't trust myself enough to know that I could tell. All the other accusations bare reflection, but I rarely see that this is not just an expression of fear/guilt over my getting help and getting a little better. It is terrifying to her I think.
I hope you can find your serenity again, you and the twins certainly deserve it. Your AH will have to continue the quest for his.
I have complete confidence that you will do great, you are a wonderful person. Thanks for being here!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I understand how frustrating it can be to have everything turned back around to make you the bad person. It is what A's do, isn't it? To me, you sound like you know what you want and that you are really a very strong person. Just keep on doing what you are doing. Best Wishes!
u sound sad 4 good reasons--this is a sad disease and i am glad u can vent it.
yes often the a's look 4 things 2 get mad at or make them up so they can justify their disease. All that matters is that u know u did not provoke & u can only control your character/attitude not his reactions 2 it. my sponsor says "their opinion of me is none of my business'. it is so true-cuz their opinion has more to do with their baggage and disease than reality.
i like what u said about just trying to make u happy since that is all u hav powere with.
i have a friend who writes nice notes to her A cuz sometimes she cannot say good things about him 2 his face with so much tension etc. flung around the house & that helps her feel like she is being directly loving she says he hears it better that way 2.
Someone reminded me that people have to behave their way out of the things and mistrust that they behaved themselves into and that was apearl of wisdom.
well-u r wise and healthy and have lots of support so keep working hard ODAT.
hugs,
Sha-angel or luv123
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
I found my A after a 10 year separation by sending a letter to him through his mothers address just before Christmas.
Within 3 weeks I knew I was dealing with an alcoholic something I knew nothing about.
I was so high when things were new - again - with him, I had taken the letter I sent and prayed on it, the most honest prayer I have ever prayed:
"Dear God,
You can see into my soul,
You know the love I have in my heart that is overwhleming for this man,
Lord let this letter find him,
let us be re-united,
let this be love,
let this be forever.
I thank You Lord for all the blessing and burdens in my life and I ask you for this if it is Your will."
The next day his mother got the letter, called him and read to him over the phone, we saw each other for the first time in ten years the following day, our re-introdction was passionate and I was elated.
Within 5 days we were talking about love and future. He told me he had been looking for me for 2 years.
We discovered we only lived down the street and around the corner from each other for the last year.
Soon after, I found him smelling like finger nail polish remover and saw an empty bottle of Rum in the trash can. He cofessed he was an alcoholic. We broke up for 5 days, he pulled me back in with the promise of AA meetings and a future of love and happiness. The sobriety lasted 2-3 weeks. Then he got worse. Then he got sober again for 9 days. Now, well, I dont even think he wants to get sober and well.
In the down times, I have prayed sincere prayers asking for the Blood of Christ to be shed on his soul and for God to enter his heart and relieve his addictions.
I have been angry with God. WHY give me exactly what I want, raise me up the to the highest high imaginable just to throw me down into the lowest place I have ever been? Why would God punish me this way? Why God would you allow my heart to be broken again?
In the end I realize that God is all that keeps me here and sane. My prayers are heard. I have a deep faith that allows me to continue to love and support my A. And in the end, if things end with my A and I REALLY splitting for good, I will still have the most sincere love and support from God always and He will get me through only giving me the blessing and burdens I need to grow and live the life that He chose for me.
It is so hard to do the "right" thing in their eyes sometimes! You can only do what you feel is right for you and your family. It is wonderful that you feel you can stay and be happy! I wish for your sake (all of our sakes for that matter) that your a (our a's) wouldn't find so much to gripe about just because they're miserable. That is very hard to deal with--it just gets old and tiring! Just try to think positive thoughts, you are doing very good to think back and see if what he is saying is true so that if need be you can change, but if you feel like you have been doing good and it is all in his head, be confident of that!! You are such a good person. I see you working and trying so hard. Keep up all the great work!
It is so easy for them to make it about us. So then they won't have to look at themselves.
My "A" strugles with the unworthy feeling. It baffles me. I choose him and despite the bad, there is still a lot of good in our relationship. He is a kind. loving man when he is sober/clean. He deserves more than to stay in his own hell.
Keep working your program. You are doing well.
You are right about no one understanding why you stay, I hear the same things about me and my "A". I just let those comments go. It is not my responsibility to prove anything to them.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
