The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi to all on the MIP Board, I would like to share of how I feel about living with my effects of Alcoholism. I don't live with active Alcoholism anymore, not that I don't see the effects that have gone through my Family Members, as I know it is well and truly still alive. I find it hard to work my program with no one to really understand, within my Family. They know that I am in Al-Anon as I share about the Disease. So that it is so important for me to reach out and find my own help, like MIP. I have been very proactive in Al-Anon in my early days, but that has changed, and I find of where I am now. I always was concerned, if things changed and I couldn't/ didn't have my meetings to go to, would I revert backwoods, and I have felt that of late. But something recently showed me that, yes, in certain areas, I have, but not as much as I felt.
A few days ago, my Grand Daughter asked me if I could help her with her Children, and of course I said yes. I told her of how I could help her and the 2 Children, but on thinking about it afterwards, I released that I had overstretched myself, and couldn't do what I said I was going to. That I would be hindering the Children and myself. It took a great deal of courage for me to go back to her and tell her that I couldn't do all of what I had promised. That is when my effects hooked in, and my feelings of guilt, being vulnerable, becoming too responsible, feeling that I had to sort it out. They went overboard, I could tell that I was overreacting, but couldn't stop it. I ended up saying some of the Serenity Prayer, that I was powerless over my emotions.
I sometimes feel the power of my effects, like now. I knew that I just had to ride with them, knowing that I would get out the other side of it, trying not to punish myself for over reacting. What helped me, was, my program found me, I knew that my HP was giving me positive things to think about and what I could read to help myself. I have many Forum Magazines, so I started to read some of them, amazing, nearly all the stories that were in them, related to what I was doing/feeling. I wasn't the only one who was feeling the effects, but also gave me positive things to think about.
So, today, the Children came to me,all of what I had feared, didn't happen. I knew that I had to trust my Grand Daughter to work things out, Trust my HP that He would take care of them, because they were out of their comfort zone. The Children left here being responsible, I could tell that my Grand Daughter was comfortable with how things had worded out. When she apologised for causing me stress, I was able to tell her that I did that all to myself, that she wasn't responsible for any of that.
So, afterwards, I felt the way I thought I would, exhausted by all the stress I caused myself, but not beating myself up over it, seeing the positive/negative things of myself along the way and knowing that I am not as bad as I thought I was, that all the work I have done over the years, haven't disappeared.
{{{Wendy}}}. You gave me an example of program at work! Congrats ! I still stumble, but I can get back up.
No one who has not lived with an A can understand my life, and no one not involved with recovery can grasp what I'm learning here. But I know the effects of alcoholism and I know I'm healing and growing. At this point, I get it, and my fellowship gets it, and that's all that matters anymore. :)
