The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just wanted to thank those who prayed for me to get through my finals in the midst of a crisis with my A. With the help and support I made it!
I am currently staying with a dear friend. My therapist suggested that I leave our apartment ASAP. My A husband is requesting the separation at the end of May. He is still in denial about how his drinking has affected our relationship. He says he is not angry at me, but it is clear that he is. I was the one putting my foot down over his drinking.
I have my good days, but I have been having a bad day since I went home to grab a few things. I saw an email about his work retreat that I was supposed to go on. Once we had the big breakup blowout, he sent me a nasty email telling me not to go on the retreat. It felt like a punishment. The email I found stated dinner reservations for all couples and then my husband and another female employee who he is friends with. It upset me because she is taking my place. Plus, I have expressed my concern over her to my husband. He of course likes needy women and I could classify her as one. She smokes and encourages his smoking at work and at functions. I am totally distraught with the idea that he might be having an affair or wanting to have an affair with her. Of course he denies there is another woman. Doesn't his boss wonder where I am? I feel like my husband is doing all this to punish me because he knows I would freak over something like this.
My husbands moods have been all over the place. Sometimes he is recpetive and loving and other times he is hateful and cold. He did ask to have a heart to heart and I told him about how I can't go on with his drinking. He finally agreed to try to get dry and as far as I know he had stopped drinking for a month. I was really surprised and happy. He busted that positive feeling by getting angry again and asking for the separation via email. It was so bizarre since I thought things were gettting on track. The mixed signals are killing me.
I can't seem to get back on solid ground. I feel that everytime I heal a little, I get sick and devastated again. I am so scared and have no job and need to move and find an apartment soon. I don't know how I will have the strength.
My therapist told me not to make a decision about the relationship right now. I just don't know why I would stay with someone who is treating me so badly. I understand that he is sick, but how long can I wait for him to make the "right" decision. Stopping drinking is not enough for me because I fear a relapse. I just can't understand why he won't get help when he knows that he has a problem. He admitted to drinking way too much and said that it was unsustainable so I had hope he saw the light.
He has only been sober for a little over one month and I have only been away from the house for one week. I am told that I am expecting a miracle and that I am impatient. My therapist thinks that it might be possible for us to get back together if we both heal and become whole people again. I just don't know how that will be possible and how I will be able to forgive the pain he is putting me through with this separation.
Now I don't see any hope and don't see how HP could possibly have a plan for me and my husband. I pray for guidance.
Congratulations on getting through your finals with all this going on! Surely that alone must show you to some degree just how strong you really are. You said "I don't know how I will have the strength." IMHO you don't need to know, HP does: if you can't believe in yourself, believe in your HP. Have faith, he/she/it will walk beside you every step of the way. Just keep on keeping on, little by little, a step at a time. When I tried to look at the Big Picture I felt overwhelmed and inadequate. I had to learn to put 'First things First', 'Keep It Simple' and 'Easy Does It'.
In Al-Anon I found I no longer had to be a pillar of strength all the time. It was ok to feel vulnerable, confused and afraid. I was a mass of roiling emotions that could change in the flicker of an eyelid. In my case, I got by a minute at a time on many an occasion and eventually I did get through it. 'This too shall pass'. I like to think I learnt from my pain and grew because of it. I had to learn to put my stuff out there, ask for help and support and the biggie...let other people in to do it. I made so many mistakes and still do to this day but the outcome really was beyond my imagination.
In Aug 99 I separated from my husband honestly believing that he would drink himself into the gates of insanity or death and that I could never get past all the hurt and bitterness. I seriously doubted then that we would even be able to have a civilised conversation such was my pain and resentment. His drinking/behaviour and my thinking/behaviour had robbed me of everything I thought was good, decent and true. I had lost myself. In Oct 2000 I found Al-Anon but had only been in the program a few months when something occurred in his life that I was not willing to allow to affect mine so I initiated divorce proceedings Jan 2001. We were divorced by May. Amazingly a year later we were reconciled! This process showed me that my HP most certainly 'moves in mysterious ways' and I came to accept that what will be, will be. I knew I still loved my husband, always had but could no longer continue to live with an active A. When my A went into recovery he had some relapses but we have been working together and as individuals to rebuild our shattered selves and lives: to recover what was lost. I won't pretend it's been easy but it has been worthwhile. I believe that my HP whom I choose to call God doesn't just fix things, he heals them and makes them stronger than before. Today, we both have much to be happy about and grateful for.
I am passing on my ESH, I hope it may help comfort or support you. Finally, I don't know if you're aware as it wasn't mentioned until my divorce was nearly complete but I heard that it is advisable to not make any major decisions/changes until at least 6months/a year into recovery unless your personal safety is at risk. Obviously, you are powerless over your A's choices but it may help in some of your decision making processes. I really do wish you well.
Wow what a heavy, heavy load you carry. It is very painful.
For me sunny, gads i remember that horrible pain. I don't believe there is any pain worse than loss.
What helps me is to be very simple. Keep things very uncomplicated as much as you can. I did not add anything, I trimmed what I could that added to my stress.
It is as simple as drink water, make sure you get nutrition and rest. I feel we are an open wound when we go thru these pains.
I would look at me from above like i was a sitcom and think, "what could she do next to feel better?"
I would stop focusing on him at all. he was going to do what he does no matter what I did. so I concentrated on me.
Sunny we put up with things and get mixed up becuz this disease has a way of drawing us in with out our realizing it. I mean what person would put up with their husband being with another woman? Even if it is just lunch?
We get so sick too. AS we take care of ourselves and learn to love ourselves we won't allow that stuff anymore. We stay away.
Our A's are very sick. They don't want to be A's. They don't want to use, and be constantly tortured by the desire and passionate lies of the disease.
My A meant it when he said a million times I want to stop. I hate this. I know he means it. But it is bigger than him. AA is the only true way in my experience. It is a daily way of living. It helps them to learn skills to not be so tortured to use.
My A is in jail. I know he needed it. It is actually protecting him from the dang disease. He can let go becuz he cannot get anything in there. He said he would be in all the aa meetings and do his best to get his program going and work hard at it. It is up to him. I have no illusions and don't really give it any energy. I hope he can be well, in recovery for his sake. But I won't think less of him if he doesn't.
People don't want cancer either, but you cannot wish it away. Aism is not different. It is forever.
This is what makes me not think about relapse or his using or lieing or whatever. I love him unconditionally. Though it is not the love it used to be. I care becuz he is a tortured man.
If I cannot live with him as is, I have no business being around him drunk, sober on a program whatever. I cannot change anything but me and How I look at it, how I accept it.
I stay married to him becuz he is not a cheat. Of all the things he is, he is not one to be with any other woman when he is married. If he did, he knows it would kill me and I would not be able to be with him.
got off track here. Whoa expecting a miracle and impatient? That is pretty harsh to me. I guess I would say, allow yourself the luxury to let go and take care of you and whatever he does, he does.
I learned from my A, he does not have any idea about he and I. He does not know what he wants in a relationship, all he knows is he is married to me, and we have shared a lot. He could not even tell me what makes him love me. He told me he is obsessed with me.
hmm well that cannot be healthy. lol But I think in my head I wish i could be his drug of choice...
Please, we are always so hard on ourselves as women. I see ya being very strong. It is very hard to be where you are. I said the serenity prayer over and over, I also said everything will be ok over and over.
And it will be Sunny. keep coming back. love and hugs,debilyn
