The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this daily was for when we were still escaping through alcohol........this is the gist of what was shared
When I was drinking, I always tried to build myself up. I used to "bs" people about myself. I told them so often i began to believe my own crap..... I used to hang around the lowbrow barrooms so I could feel superior to the other customers. The reason I always tried to build myself up was that I knew deep down in my heart that I really didn't amount to anything. It was a kind of defense against my feeling of inferiority.
ME____________oh wow, this was me...bragging, telling tall stories, to make me feel good about me.....NEVER about WHO i AM , but what i can DO..........yeah, the "BS factor" was high.....i had to HAVE to DO in order to feel good about me.....drinking and fantasizing, sometimes my "other happy world" would come into this miserable and empty one and i, too, half believed some of my BS......... i too , went into the "toilet" bars, where low lifes would hang out and i would feel better.....shooting pool, i was a REAL good pool player...won the "open" 6 times in a row, and it "validated" me as a person of "worth"....i look back at it and , yeah, its cool i can play good pool, but there is MORE to life than a hell of a bank shot.........i too, did this cuz i felt so worthless.......noone there to put me down the way the perp and my mother constantly did.....people kinda looked up to me becuz i had an education, talked well, dressed decent.....but god i was empty....when the greyness of morning would come and wake me up i was the same ole miserable/ hurting/ despaired me........ yeah, defense against feeling so down on me........that hits it...this whole daily hits the way i was.......and only until i got into recovery did i realize "hey i am ok, just the way i am....i am a human BEING".......i am a part of this universe...not better--not worse....thats it....i don't have to "prove" myself to ANYone....i am a good person who is imperfect....i am accepting my "feet of clay" much better...when i screw up, i try now to learn from it and turn it into a blessing........i DO need more "higher self" work.......communing with that part of me that is connected to the other side, not this earthly plain where its all "what u have and do that counts"........
I do that too. Think it is human nature for anyone with real life conflict, but definitely going on my list of defects of character when I get there...
Thanks for sharing that!
Take care of you! Glad you're back!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
glad ure finding who you are as a person to be valuable and lovable, just like me! starting with self care, ending in self love...so it's not as necessary to get it from the outside. thanks for your share :)
Thanks for sharing that Rosie. I feel like I can relate, but through my husband's experience. I always explained his drinking and attraction to "problem" people and lowrent places as a way for him to feel better about himself. My husband doesn't understand this yet, but I hope one day he will like you come to realize that he is wonderful and valuable just the way that he is and begin to love himself.
