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That i could respect my AH more if he were a better liar. Since I seem to find out them all .... then I thought of what if I don't find them all .... then came how would I feel if there was much more? And I just cried and cried. If my brain is going to want to greive like this every time I see a lie and feel ashamed for believing it at first I am in big trouble. Do I try to live not believing anything? Or not caring? I don't think I can not care if I am being lied to.
I've been thinking too that almost every time he does nice things for me is right before (I mean hours) he lies ... how do I accept nice things when it's a setup?
I'm giving myself the creeps, and I can't find a human underneath his disease right now to love.
Even his quiet words of "I'll go to counseling" that sounded sincere are not real to me, just manipulation after I let go of the hope that he would ever want to.
Can the good parts come back in me if I am with him even if he doesn't want recovery or an understanding of himself?
I really want to not care even if it is just for a little while.
hey jennifer - (((((hugs))))) i am in the thick of the lying thing today myself. i have so many people lying to me right now, from my ah, my son, my ill sister and her hurting daughter that i don't have a strong sense of reality. i can't always tell, but today i am sure - no doubt - but he still lies and gets mad at me that i woun't carry forward with the lie. just like my son tells me he is hurt and insulted that i even think he is lying. i don't need another kid, i am looking for my husband, but he is gone to the disease. my feelings are numb - i wonder if they will ever come back. or if he will ever be him again. good luck to you - many hugs for you - thank you for your share - it really helped me to hear what you are goiong thru. - quest
To dettach from the drinking behaviors, does not mean you do not care, and certainly doesn't mean you do not love, if you do it right. The words don't mean much, it's the actions! Watch his behavior, not what he says.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
for me time took time. i couldn't just stop loving him or being co-dependant just because i caught him lying, cheating, stealing, whatever. so i did the best i could at the time. i did what i needed to do and sometimes that was really sick things. i did all the crazy things we all do. but that is ok and was ok. it was the only way i could cope at the time. today i found out from my sis in law (14 yrs old) that my husband went into rehab. she didn't say when he went and i didn't ask. i'm not sure if i believe it. but today insted of obsessing and being insane and doing crazy things ( calling, going to the rehab to check, etc) i was mad for about 5 minutes that no one thought to call and tell me so that at least his kids would know what was going on. my in laws don't speak to me. they are very sick with this disease. then i let it go. i said a prayer that he was ok wherever he is and then i focused on what was right in front of me.don't ask me how this change in me occured. i believe it's the miracle of the program. funny though i am still sick enough to expect this loving detatchment not to last! it is my choice today. it has taken me 3 years to get here- i am a slow learner. so i send you love and peace and hope you know that whatever "it" is this too shall pass. but in the meantime we are here for you.
You made me think about something. The healthier I got, I could accept the A as he was. A liar, irresponsible, very, very sick. As time went on, I outgrew him.
I used to want to not love him. Then I realized as I took care of me and stopped allowing the disease to kill the me I liked, I did not care if he lied anymore.
It was expected he would. I just sorta watched him like he was a shadow.
Then as I grew more in alanon and trusted hp so very much, my faith allowed me to let go and let God. I don't really like the word LET. It was more let go and stop holding on to what was never my stuff in the first place.
It is true as you cont. to work on you, things will change for you as far as how you see your A.
I was thinking, when I grew and felt better, became a better person, what did I have in common with a liar, cheat, thief etc. I found I did not want to be around him anymore. He had nothing left good in him that I could see. The shadow sorta went away.
I am not sure if I am making sense. All I know is he is in jail and I feel so much better, just becuz I know he is safe, and I hope he gets some peace from the horrible Aism that tortures him.
Great subject, lying is. I had about the same reaction to it as other members of the Family Group such as anger, resentment, hurt, distrust etc. Of course I was just focused on her lying while having a closed mind (not suggested in this program). Then I was led to some new awarenesses like why do people lie? Why did/do I lie? It pretty well came down to, "out of fear of..." That's why I lied. I was afraid that others would not like/accept me or if the truth came out I would look like a fool. I lied because of a low self esteem so I wouldn't appear less than. I lied because of the fear of punishment. The last one was in large part why my alcoholic lied to me also. She was afraid and distant of me even when I wanted her to do the opposite because of how I punished her. Her fear was real cause of how I use to act and react in the disease. She could see my body language and hear my verbal abuse in what I said and how I use to say it even when I thought I was justified. She didn't trust me or my reaction to the disease. I would not have either.
It's easy to look outside myself and ask what's wrong with others. I get a truer answer when I ask, "What's going on with them and what's my part in it."
My alcoholic wife wasn't ever very believeable even when I tried my damnedest to believe her. I wasn't either. I don't focus too much today on what others are or are not doing. I do focus on my Higher Power's will for me and what I am doing with that.
Something I learned in recovery regarding this subject was; If I wanted to know if it was a lie or not? Ask!! Another thing I learned was, often times someone elses reality is different than mine and while it might not be true for me I can respect that it is true for them without trying to convince them to accept my perspective.
To dettach from the drinking behaviors, does not mean you do not care, and certainly doesn't mean you do not love, if you do it right. The words don't mean much, it's the actions! Watch his behavior, not what he says. Josey
When I was in the thick of the confusing, baffling disease, I didn't see any red flags, but now, I look back and the red flags were waving like a gigantic banner unfurled. They weren't the red flags I knew to look for, and I was naive. Now lying is interesting, because we all think we know when we are being lied to, but if it's a really good lie, we never see it coming or going.
So, let out eyes be the judge, and the words don't mean much. I've heard people say that it takes five years before the alcohol is fully out of the body, and they don't believe a word or want to hear anything before then. So, lying is part of the disease - I was shocked to learn that first hand - I was very trusting. We can't figure out this disease, and it feels really good to realize that.
Being lied to is a hard one. First of all, let me say that I am not a strong worker of the "program". I never felt very comfortable at the face to face meetings. I do read some of the literature and I do read the posts on this site, which I find very helpful. I also see a psychologist. My daughter is the one who lies to me. It is so hard because sometimes I have to make decisions about whether or not to help her, she is 23 and still needs my financial help at times. I have to detach myself from whether or not she is telling the truth about something which may influence whether I help her or not. She has moved away from me, sort of a forced move...running away from big problems. The move is a good thing, it also gave her a chance to be around some healthier people although the whole experience has been huge for her and for me. She was in a bad accident soon after and was in the hospital for a couple of weeks. She had a cousin she was living with but little else. She is recovered from the accident, is using public transportation and has found a job that she has kept longer than any other. I am so amazed at what she has done! I am a single parent, so I have been her main connection and support system. I find myself having to trust her again...she has asked me to trust her before and the trust was broken by her lies. It is so hurtful. I have to find that place where I can say to myself, "I hope she is doing what she says" and "it would be nice if she is doing such and such" but realize that I don't really have any control over her and I need to make my decisions regarding helping her based on what I want to give her and not I what I want to "get" from her. Besides, maybe I have lied to her. Oh not so much with words but by my actions. Maybe I have let her down too. There is plenty of room for me to grow even though I like to take this false pride in how healthy I am getting. In reality, I am sure that there are times she has felt deceived by me. I love her and she loves me, with HP help, we will live our lives the best we can, continueing to strive toward that life which was intended for us.
Hope this makes some sense, at any rate, I am grateful for the opportunity to comment on this as it has helped me..
Aloha Jennifer!!