The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Question.......How do you all handle being the subject of conversation when you are never part of the conversation???
This just sounds childish, but I am soooo triggered by my father-in-law (who lives with us, but only for the next month). I could easily give you his inventory, but I don't have enough time LOL. In a nutshell he judges everyone. Family is no exception. He has made many negative comments about me to other family members (regarding my parenting, my own family, how a wife "should be", etc...). He rarely addresses his "concerns" to me personally and when he has I admit I did not handle it with the most tact. I maintain my boundaries with him fairly well, but I still let him drive me to want to react passive agressively with him. Just tonight he made a parenting comment to my husband about me. So what I want to do is ignore him, not talk to him, storm around the house because of what he said. I know this isn't healthy coping these are old behaviors being triggered.
I don't want to confront him because I think that will just make it worse and won't accomplish a thing. How have you all dealt with negative talk behind your back......especially when it's family.......AND it's the in-laws!!!! I have a great relationship with the rest of the family. My father-in-law seems to NEED someone to talk about. The whole family has been under his scrutiny at one time or another.
The family has brought his behavior to his attention and how it can be hurtful and inappropriate. No difference in his behavior because of it. He is 76 y/o and I'm not looking to change him. I accept him for what he is. Apparently, he has always been critical of others (so the family tells me) and it's not so much that he is critical of me it is more about how I can better handle these situtions when they come up so I don't sit on my hurt/angry feelings and let them fester.
I'd tell him how I felt about his hurtful comments. Sometimes people aren't even aware of what they are doing. But when someone stands up and says " I really find it upsetting that you say these things about me (especially in my own home)."
It doesn't have to be confrontational, just honest.
Mean what you say, but don't say it mean :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank heavens you will only be under his close scrutiny for a month. Your situation reminded me of something from the early years with my husband. All his family used to say to me you are an angel, wonderful, perfect, so good for him. It felt nice to be liked but it scared me to death. I remember telling my at that time husband to be that it was gonna be a long fall off that pedestal .... and yep it was. Since they thought I was the reason he was clean well flip side came and now I am the reason he is not. I'm sure my own actions have played into this too, the fact remains it is easier to blame me for his drinking than to accept he is an alcoholic or even ... choke at the thought ... blame him and or accept the dysfunction in their family. Anyway I am kind of rambling here ... there came a time when I asked my husband not to tell me what was being said about me, i guess I was sick of the controversy. And I think I deserve more respect than that, if someone has a problem with me then they should speak to me, perhaps what they say will make sense, at the very least I would have the chance to tell them I am sorry they feel that way but this is the way I am. Once again I am reminded that we can't change other people. It's a good thing, there's a whole bunch of people out there i would not want to be in control of changing me LOL. i hope the situation gets better for you and you find some peace.
I love these two lines , YOu could be right ? and leave the room or I am sorry u feel that way!
the secret is to leave the room . no point in trying to explain yourself , or justify your behavior save your breath he has already made up his mind. let it go and consider the sourse. Most family members won't believe him anyway a I am sure he does it to them too.
