The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I joined Al-Anon about two months ago and have been going to weekly meetings. I'm feeling much better but I'm a bit stuck in terms of how to clean up a mess I got myself into.
Here's the short version of my story.
My relationship with my sister is what drove me into the program. For the last 14+ years she has been in a constant state of crisis and has been regularly asking me for money to bail her out of trouble ($4,000 here, $6,000 there, etc). I don't think she is an alchoholic, but she is definitely something and my relationship with her and her disease has to change.
I told her several months ago that I wasn't going to give her any more money. Well, she called two months ago telling me that she was going to be evicted if I didn't give her $4,000 asap. When I realized I wasn't able to say no, I gave her the money, told her that I clearly have a problem saying no to her and told her I was going to get help. I said I couldn't talk to her until I knew I was going to be able to say no, no matter how desperate her plight. The next day I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I haven't spoken to her since.
So far, so good. I'm owning my part in the unhealthy relationship. I'm really getting the whole dynamic of my family. I'm feeling pretty good about things. She'll never change, but I can, etc.
Well, about a month after I started Al-Anon I got a collection notice for $6,400 for her old apartment that I co-signed. Of course I'm totally furious. But I didn't call to yell at her. I figure there's really no point.
I spoke to my lawyer anfd it turns out I am definitely responsible for the debt that she flaked on. I spoke to the collection agency and told them I was looking into the situation. I gave them her contact information and told them to talk to her. Of course she told them she didn't have the money.
Now, after that long story, here is my question. How do I clean up this mess (it's on my credit report now) without feeling like I am still taking care of someone else? Not paying it off feels wrong, because it hurts me and my wife. Paying it off feels wrong because I am essentially bailing my sister out of trouble when I committed myself to stopping.
Thank you in advance for your guidance and insight.
Looks to me like you're going to have to pay the debt for YOU, for YOUR credit, because it's bothering YOU. I'm saying...if you pay it, it will be because you are concerned about it leaving a blight on your credit, not because you're simply bailing your sister out again. Also, it sounds to me like you already knew the answer to the question before you asked it; that happens to me a lot once I sit down and put something to paper and really talk it out. :)
Good luck to you. It sounds like you're handling things terrifically - in a way that you believe is healthy for you and for everyone else involved.
Keep on keeping on. And welcome! A
Edit to add: I don't want to come across like I'm in any way giving you advice. I was trying to listen to what you were saying and just...point out what you already seemed to know. Certainly I'm not in any way qualified to "hang out my shingle" as my mother always says.
-- Edited by tigerseye at 15:47, 2006-05-03
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Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. ~Garrison Keillor
glad u found us online and joined our multi dysfunctional family lol...
at least here.... u can gain insight as to how other peoples lives are affected by addiction...
ur sister may not be an ALCOHOLIC but she definetly has the traits of one... NO sense of responsibility...lack of caring for others, always waiting for someone to bail them out when they screw things up themselves...
u know that its wrong of her to expct u to pick up after her all the time.... shes not 2 yrs of age... but yet...YOU feel obligated to do so... my reasoning with myself for helping my ex-boyf. THE "A" out...was..."if im not there for him...who will be.????".. he will be lost without me....end up in the height of s**t and no one to save him.... etc...etc...
thanks to this programme i got "MY LIFE" back..i lost it for a while... i left my "A"..that was my own choice... but yet i feel the need to "WANT to" help him sometimes...treat him like a sml child..just because he has this "disease"... but i have to stop myself...
i hope you will find some guidance and support in here jay... we are always here....
keep posting and sharing and i promise it does get easier...
Yikes! I hate these kind of meeses, especially when I know who's fault it is, mine. That's not a small drop in the bucket either!!
Here's a couple Alanon sayings that apply:
**Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
**The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. (not saying you're insane..lol)
**Let it begin with me.
I think one of the most valuable things that Alanon taught me was that I must allow the alcoholic (or anyone) the dignity to hit their bottom. Every time I save them it takes them further away from their own life's journey. Most have to hit bottom before they struggle to stand on their own.
My Dad had a saying: You have to have weight on your shoulders to keep your feet on the ground.
Good Luck, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome! Glad you sre here. I can understand the feelings you have. I have been in similar situations with my AH. I am slowly closing out all old business with joint finances with him and starting fresh. The hardest part is in my own mind, saying no, making his decisions and then lack of funds his responsibility. It is much harder than I ever expected. I have learned to do what is best for me in each situation, going through the thought process and feelings have made me take any future joint ventures much more seriously. I guess I am setting up some boundaries without even knowing it until now. i wish you the best, take care.
well Jay since it is going to affect your credit rating !!! u decide. WE are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should do for themselves absolutley nothing will change. Until they are forced to take responsibility for thier own messes why should thy change ?? If you have given her that much money and she still skipped on apt rent I would suspect she is either drinking or drugging which u can also do nothing about. Denial works for the A. wether she is using or drinking or not until u can say NO and mean it nothing will ever change for her.
The money is gone u will probably never get repaid so let it go and try not to carry a resentment towards her .
That is where too many of us get into trouble enabling, because we are co-signers. But what r u going to do, when it comes to your credit? You definately need to set some boundaries you can live with, what they are I have no idea. Good luck, I think siblings are harder than spouses.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Welcome and thanks for your share. It just blows me away what I learn from other people's posts. We have a similar situation with our son. He must have a spending addiction or something. We have made his car payments, apt. payments, insurance payments, etc. He says he doesn't know why it didn't go through. Took us a long time to realize our part in it.
I say we but my AH has moved out. And I blame him for our demise but I liked what you said: I am owning my part in the unhealthy relationship. This is something that I have not done in my marriage.
This sounds familiar, just because when we are in "the wreckage of the past" it's not so easy to get out of it. I called it the "wreckage of the present" while I was in it.
It's still all very new and you learn more as you attend meetings and read the literature, etc.
It's not so much about saying, "no" to her, it's more like, when we cushion the fall of the alcoholic (or drug addict, or...), then they are cushioned and comfy, and we are black and blue. For the alcoholic to begin to realize that they need help, they need to FEEL each and every consequence of their actions. If they fall, they need to feel it, and I am not helping them when I get in the way of them and the hard asphalt. So, detachment with love comes in here. It helps break the cycle of "reacting" to her bad behavior, and it's also loving to yourself not to put yourself in a position to be black and blue.
Financial problems go hand in hand with alcoholism, I've noticed. You need to protect yourself, your family, your credit, etc. If you have the money, and you want to protect your credit, then you might choose to pay it. If it's not that important to you, or you don't have the money, then you might choose to let it slide into collections and I speak from experience, they do take your car if they get a judgement against you.
Another thing that you might want to keep in the back of your mind, is that, possibly some of what she has done is criminal, and she could be arrested for it. I am much more comfortable with making people accountable for their actions now, and I don't make excuses for them (or I try anyway).
((((Jay))) 
So glad Your Here. (((Big
Hug)))
Keep Looking uP!