Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

ODAT in alanon, Monday, 2/28, detachment and disentanglement

DM2021 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank {{Lyne}} for your service today and your frank ESH.

I too am living with an active drinker for the past 20 years and have literally experienced a roller

coaster of emotions and abuse. Like you I tried to express my feelings for all that I have experienced

and found that it just drags him down, because of the failures, and sets up a series of events that

just disappointment me. I accept that he lives in denial and I can see that it will never change.

Putting both of us in my HP's hands seems to be the best way to handle the situation. {{HUGS}}

Seahorse7 · Veteran Member

Thank you Lyne and Debbie for this. My situation is the similar, 26 years with my AH who is in deep denial, and any attempt to discuss is met with rage. So I just dont discuss at all, in any way, and bear silent witness to the slow decline. Fortunately at this point he is still high functioning, but I have a plan B for the eventual day that I expect I will have to leave. Meanwhile I do my best to keep away and find my own activities and entertainment when he is drunk, but sometimes I just want to scream at him about how I am watching him kill himself. It is very difficult to feel so alone in a marriage, and I grieve for the little daily losses. It is so good to know you all are out there and understand. Bless you.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{Lyne, DM, Seahorse}}} thank you for sharing on this topic.

I does my heart good to read how all of you are working the program so it works in your lives.

I did not have Al-Anon most of the years I lived with alcoholism -- although finally I did get in and got some tools -- a sponsor and the 3 C's -- to carry me through the most heart-wrenching parts.

Grateful member.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for all your above replies. To be clear, I did not attempt to have a 2-way discussion--that never works! But it helped me to say what my experience is, to the source.

Seahorse7, I feel exactly the same way: I'm watching my A kill themself. It's always baffling to me, that my spouse is a Yale graduate and a gifted musician, who does not want help with addiction. So smart in some ways, yet so dumb in others. I get it's a disease. I have osteoporosis--if I did nothing I would become crippled as my mom did. Instead, I get the best help I can, exercise, eat healthy, have doctors, etc. It's a choice to live or die. I'm choosing life.

SunnyFrog · Senior Member

Good morning all

I had already read these shares and didn't plan on sharing but right now I feel the desire to.

I felt pain in my heart reading shares because we are all struggling with someone else's addiction. It's just such a sad thing for all of us. Sure,we have a program and tools to cope but none the less it's still just so sad.

Yesterday was a wonderful day with AH, I felt so close to him and had a really good,fun day. Until night time arrived. Now I am back to detaching this morning already because I know that's the best thing to do during this binge. The 3 C's apply here and I can only (hopefully) maintain my serenity through it.

Have a good day everyone.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I too live with active disease. I speak my truth when I want to and need to as it's a part of my healing and my recovery. What has changed for me is that my ultimate truth, when I focus on me and dig deeply within using these steps is that I want those I love (self included) to be happy, joyous and free. It's truly simple. I can work on that goal for me and detach to allow others to pursue the same or not.

My relationship with my AH (31 years) has evolved as I've evolved. I no longer confront the disease in him simply because it's insanity - doing the same things, expecting different results. In my case, it's not the disease/drinking that affects me -- it's the collateral damage whether it's financial, health, legal, etc. For an alcoholic, drinking and denying is as natural as coffee for others.

For the last few years, I've been in the mode to avoid toxic people and relationships. Recovery has given me the power to step aside from either or both. In some, I literally deselect the person and in others, such as family, I work to change me, my expectations, my perceptions and my projections. It took me a long, long while to accept that others may never change but I can.

My healing comes from speaking MY truth to others who are healthy and want to know it. My AH could truly care less what I think about him (healthy, per recovery) yet cares deeply if I am hurting. I've had to do the work to be able to identify when I am really hurting instead of just angry, disappointed, self-serving, etc. Learning to love me enough to not give my power away has taken tons of time & practice.

My mother fell again, thankfully landing on her butt. They are meeting with the Orth. surgeon today and I'll know more then. My AH is sick - possibly Covid w/pneumonia. I have no words to express how extremely grateful I am to use our many tools to stay in the moment and not panic. The same applies - extreme gratitude - that I can trust the God of my understanding to point me where I can best be of service. It would be so easy for me to project an 'end of life for my mother full of pain' and I am choosing instead to just pray for her comfort for whatever comes next. Love & light all...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene