The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The writer says when they came to program, they thought the drinker could stop by sheer will power. As they learned that the alcoholic suffers from a disease, why did the writer still speak to the drinker as a "bad'' person? The writer knows the alcoholic is a good and sensitive human, but the writer has to firmly implant this in their mind to be able to reflect it in their own actions. Arguments are useless against an illness. However compassion and understanding have the power to heal instead of punish.
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This reading is the focus of my program at the moment. I'm able to have compassion and understanding up to a point, and I am trying my best to detach with love and not ask questions I know the answers to. I am also able to plan my own day and keep a good distance from my A much of the time. Yesterday I returned from my half week away, to find an angry, snarly, and unhappy spouse. I coped beautifully the entire day. But today was a struggle, as I felt emotionally abused yesterday. This work takes energy, practice, and a desire to change me. I'm trying!
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Monday MIP family! Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. I also came to Al-Anon wanting to know the secret to fixing my A(s). It was a shock that these people had found joy and serenity even when their A had not changed one iota. It baffled me and at some level, I thought it was fake...
Fast forward and I have been able to practice enough parts of this program to find my space, myself, my joy and peace no matter what others are/are not doing -- at times! As I continue to practice this program, it just seems to get better and better - the power or miracle of recovery is baffling to me most days.
I do accept this is a disease. I do believe that my guys are good hearted and if they could, they would change/recover. I also accept that I have a right to my joy and serenity and am willing to put me first, each day, one day at a time. I care deeply and am a passionate person, yet am also aware that others care and feel differently - which is 'all good'. I am constantly reminded by my sponsor that different is good and we are put here to be of service and to learn from all other people, places, things and experiences we encounter.
Love and light all - golfed today and will hibernate for a few - we've got wacky winter weather coming/going it seems. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Lyne and everyone for your shares.
As much as I mentally understood this idea, I still struggled to "feel" it for a very long time. After making agreements with my ex A that he would not drink at home because of violent episodes, when I saw him sneak alcohol into the house I was outraged because why didn't he value my safety? Later, when I moved out by myself I made a rule that he couldn't visit if he had been drinking and of course, that rule was violated over and again and again, I was outraged because how could he have such disregard for my safety? It's funny how you can understand that something is an addiction and a compulsion and yet still feel personally attacked by it. Of course, in my case, the only answer was complete detachment and I have no idea how that affected him (ie I can't tell myself it was the catalyst for healing) because I have had no contact at all to find out.
But where I can see this at work has been in understanding and accepting my own addictions and compulsions- in this case, the compulsion to "bring about someone else's healing". If I am compassionate with myself, I can begin to make changes to my own dysfunctional behaviour because I am not locked in a battle with myself for control of my emotions. I am finding that almost everything I need to work on in my outer life and relationship with others begins with treating myself with compassion (and being able to tell that from self-pity!)
It's the height of Summer here IAH, and we've had non-stop heat for what seems like weeks so I will gladly trade you for a few days of wacky winter weather
