The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When am I ever gonna learn to trust my gut? Last week I posted on how I felt I was bringing bad into life by not focusing on the good. And I did learn from my thoughts and everyone's replies, I will do my best to live in the moment and enjoy without doomsdaying myself. Now I think I need to find trust in myself and my gut, that day I was worrying was the day my A lied to me again. I know I know A's lie ... no surprise. I'm just so ashamed of myself, I had thought he had done something good for himself, and I was so happy and loving and nice to support him. But he wasn't where he said he was and not doing what he said he was doing, and I am ashamed of myself for not listening to my belly.
Our conversation on this came down to .... me telling him that I was not mad at him I know the facts I know he is 15 inside just like when he started using, the selfish and bratty behavior is part of it, I'm mad at me for hoping for something different. I hate him for not wanting something better in life. I asked if he really wants to live with someone he has to lie to. No but I love you and do not want to leave was the reply .... I am a but. I don't want to be a but. I do not believe happiness should be sacrificed for love or marriage, and neither of us is happy. I cannot control his decision to not be in counseling or recovery, and that is for the best. So I suggested we sell the house and live seperately for a while. Now he wants counseling <sarcastic woo hoo> I'll go. He'll set it all up. end of conversation
... and when he lies to the counsler this time I will stand up state why I am leaving and leave. Yuck this is really starting to make me feel sick inside, around the cycle we go again ... the only thing that saves me is I am different. I am making changes in my head. I am me not his mother, saviour or victim. I don't want to be anything but ME.
My Mom called my Grandma has been in and out of the ER all weekend, I'm scared for her. I know how lucky I am to have a grandma still here and I know living is getting harder for her, I do not want her to suffer. I worry for my Mom, it's going to hurt.
I'm gonna smile anyway until i feel like doing something different.
Good for you--for smiling anyway. You know I once had a little elastic strap that went around the head with two plastic hooks, one on each end. It was a smile contraption. You would put one hook on one side of your mouth and then take it around your head and hook the other side. I got it as a practical joke, sometimes I think I still need that thing!!, and to really use it!!!
I am sorry you are having a hard time with your a. I wish they could really understand how much good we want for them and I wish they wanted it themselves!!!
You are doing the right thing. Take care of you. I know that it all just makes your tummy turn, but in the end you will be able to say--you there wasn't anything I could do. I tried my best this is what had to be. Good luck to you!!
My A never fails to disappoint me and break my heart...when he is drinking.
When sober, which is usually 3 or 4 days a week, he is wonderful & caring. Some weeks are better than others, some weeks he is drunk daily or at least nightly.
I am so glad people post HONESTY here so I can learn from you and get a better understanding of what to expect from his disease and to learn to self control because my anger at him for being sick gets me nowhere.
I go to my second Al Anon meeting tonight, reading Alcholics Anonymous currently and ordering Getting Them Sober from our local library, I like to read and if something strikes me I can refer to it over and over until I have it memorized.
One thing I read from the Al Anon literature I got at my first meeting was something like "it is like we are lost in a desert searching for an imaginary oasis...." I cried and cried reading those 2 pages. Amazing that something false - the lie of alcohol - has so much power over my beloved A and I am a co-dependent, it has complete control over both of our lives.
