The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i need some help with how to respond to my BF. we've been together almost a year, and when we started dating he told me he was a recovered heroin addict. at the time he was about 9 mo. sober from heroin but drinking a lot and smoking a lot of pot. a lot. the relationship, on my part, was barely keeping because his intoxication started to affect me. from the beginning, he was committed to me and very verbal about his affection for me. it was actually a bit much- me having never had a person be so upfront about their feelings for me. anyway, a pattern started to emerge where he would get so drunk about 1-2 times a month- you couldn't really tell he was drunk except for when the outbursts happened. something would trigger him and he started having these emotional outbursts. they scared me because to me he morphed into a different person. he wasn't ever violent towards me, but once he said he wanted to bash his head into a wall if i left, and once he mentioned suicide (the next day while apologising he said he didn't mean it and had only said it to get my attention)
needless to say we had quite a few talks about this behavior and about 5 months ago, when i had expressed anger and embarassment at his level of intoxication around my friends, he said he was going to take a break from all substances.
except for a couple slips he told me about back then, he's been completely sober for the past few months. there have been a few times when i've suspected he was stoned/had a beer over the phone, but when i've asked him about it he's denied it.
so far my approach to him has been: i'm not going to tell you what to do, you make your own choices, but if your choices affect me negatively then i am not putting up with it. i've encouraged him to be sober by saying how much better our relationship has been while he's been sober, and how before i never feel like i could trust him at all.
now he is contemplating starting to drink/smoke again. the addict voice in him came out in a long conversation tonight- that sadly irrational voice that tricks him. he's smart enough to have addmitted on several occasions that he knows he is too excessive, that he shouldn't drink to escape or because of a great NEEd to, etc. but as i'm sure you all know, the disease is powerful and it is tempting him these days. he wants to believe he can control it but..... unfortunately... history has proven he can't.
one big question: should i NOT drink around him at all? that is what i've been doing, which has been fine because i'm not much of a drinker, but now i've moved in with roommates, and some social occasions will arrise. should i not drink???
how should i respond to him? what stance do i take? he's lately gotten into these horrible victim modes where he says i'm punishing him, that i'm forcing him not to drink, etc. i don't know how to reason with that disease. it's practically impossible. it's like talking to a one-year old. how do i get through to him? what do i say?
he usually "comes to his senses" the next day and we'll have a very rational conversation where he'll genuinely say he didn't mean to say all of that stuff, that he knows he should stay sober, etc. but i'm always on edge afterwards, and always, worried that he's about to start getting wasted again.
i care about him and i love him. he's got all sorts of redeeming qualities that i love. he's also really helped me through some ongoing sickness i've had the past few months. he's really done a lot for me. i don't want to bail on him right now. but i have no idea how to help him.
Alanon is the place to come with all your questions. On this board and in face to face meetings we share our experience, strength and hope. My A is sober and the disease is still talking. We are powerless over alcohol (and any addictions) and so are they. That is why we are guided to a 12 step program. We are told to focus on ourselves and our own growth. As far as drinking in front of your bf, that subject has come up before. We all handle it differently. I think being around a drinking culture is not good for A's. I drink occasionally if front of my A and I must admit I have mixed feelings. Alcoholism is a cunning disease so I limit my drinking and make it not that important.
"so far my approach to him has been: i'm not going to tell you what to do, you make your own choices, but if your choices affect me negatively then i am not putting up with it."
Bluestorm, if you can stick to the above which I have quoted from your post, you'll be fine! If more people who are negatively affected by the alcoholic in their lives took that position, fewer of them would be miserable.
You are not married to him, which gives you leverage here. After it all shakes out, you must decide whether this man is the one for you. With him you may be looking forward to a lifetime of abuse my him; both with substances and with you. You can stop it now or you can continue to plod through it, praying that he stays sober.
I divorced my husband because of his alcoholism. We remain together as a couple and are happier than ever. Part of that happiness, for me anyway, comes from the fact that I am free to kick him to the curb, and I will if he drinks again. He knows this, and so we have an honest relationship. He hasn't had a drop in nearly a year.
I mention this only to let you know that your options remain open as long as you have no real commitment to him. Yep, you may love him to pieces, but keep your options the way they are. We all deserve someone who gives us joy, makes us laugh, stands by our side, and makes us their number one priority. We cannot come in second to the booze and drugs.
Hang in there. I send you the best of good wishes, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You don't say whether you are in a program but you seem to have a great deal of awareness already. You also understand that addiction/alcoholism is a disease and your approach sounds much more healthy than mine while I was living with my active A. ie "I'm not going to tell you what to do, you make your own choices but if your choices affect me negatively then I am not going to put up with it."
Al-Anon is a Twelve Step Program. It tells us we can be happy whether our alcoholics are still drinking or not. It enables us to make healthy choices for ourselves in our own time. "The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery." (Suggested Al-Anon Preamble to the Twelve Steps)
In Al-Anon, we cannot give advice but we do make suggestions and support one another to recover from the effects of living with alcoholism. We share what we have learned about the program and how we apply it to ourselves and our daily lives. For me this taught me how to cope better with my A and how to respond to him more appropriately. Some of the 'tools' we use are the slogans, the Serenity Prayer, The 12 Steps and Traditions, meetings (on-line and face to face), Conference Approved Literature and Sponsorship. These all help lead us to recovery and in some cases inspire our A's to seek recovery for themselves.
I would encourage you to avail yourself of the help within Al-Anon and suggest you try to find a face to face meeting in your area. I'm in the UK and don't know which part of the world you're in so cannot give you the number for the General Service Office. At meetings, you will hear many shares; some may be similar circumstances to your own, others very different but we all have a common bond. You will also find many leaflets and books available at meetings that will help you understand the disease and its effects better. There is an on-line bookstore here, just click on the link in the top left-hand corner.
Meetings are held on-line in our chatroom (the link is also above). They are held Mon-Fri 9am and 9pm EST. Sat 10am and 9pm EST. Sun 10am and 7pm EST. I'm afraid I don't know the time differences.
I can't help much as to whether you should drink around your A or not. It is very much a personal choice. Perhaps you could ask him how he feels about it and whether he feels that would be supportive? If he is an A, nothing you do will make him drink and nothing you do can make him stop. He has to want recovery for himself. We have the 3 C's in Al-Anon: You didn't cause it, cannot control it and can't cure it. I would suggest you do what is most comfortable for you. Personally, I drank rarely anyway but chose not to drink around my A when he was active as I didn't want to spend time with him when he was drunk, it was not a social or fun experience. In early recovery I chose not to drink around him as I felt that would be unsupportive. It was his choice whether he attended functions where we knew others would be drinking. My choices were not affected by his, if I wanted to go I would.
Hope you may find some of what I've shared helpful. In love and support x Maria x
i've never been to an alanon meeting. maybe i'll do some reading on the organization first and then check out a meeting.
i'm feeling better about things having heard from you all. i think i'm definitely going to support him by not drinking in social settings with him, because he's struggling with it.
i think the hardest thing right now to deal with is that i don't know how to interact with him when it is his addict side speaking. honestly, it feels like i'm dealing with a totally different person. i don't know how to respond because he's not speaking the truths he really knows. i wish i knew of a way to bring him back to who HE really is.
x Maria x