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Post Info TOPIC: Silence C2C 25 December


Senior Member

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Silence C2C 25 December


In Al-Anon we learn to Think before reacting to angry outbursts and drunken accusations. We also learn the value of silence. But silence can be more cutting that cruel words when it is used to punish. Deliberately ignoring someones attempts to communicate can be no better than a battle of words. Rage expressed non verbally through cold looks and slammed doors is still rage. When I seek to hurt someone else with silence, I always hurt myself. Instead I can go to a meeting, talk to my sponsor, or some other way to release those explosive feelings. I will remember that my aim is to heal myself and my relationships. Todays reminder - what message does my silence communicate? Today I will try to align the stillness of my tongue with a stillness of spirit. If the silence has in it even a trace of anger or hostility, it loses all its power.True quiet has the quality of serenity, acceptance, peace. One Day at a Time - I certainly used silence in an unhealthy way. I would glare at my AH with eyes filled with hate and hope he would understand what my words failed to say. I slammed doors and banged around the house, furious. Of course, the only person hurting was me and I was teaching my children destructive ways of coping. Through Al-Anon I found peace at meetings and with the help of my sponsor learned to walk away and let go of my own unhealthy feelings. Today I focus on my own healing.

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~*Service Worker*~

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BT, thank you for sharing this amazing reading and your ESH. It helps me reflect on the difference between the silence of fear/anger, compared to the silence of serenity.

I am beyond grateful that today I am able to enjoy and practice the silence of serenity.

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Senior Member

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Thank you as well BT for your service, today's reading (Merry Christmas) and to you and FT for both your ESH.

Learning in Al-Anon that my cold silence (punishment) was not appropriate and know now that is not an effective

way to show my displeasure with a person/situation. Finding peace and understanding is so much more gratifying!

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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2730
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I am a day late with this, yet (as always) there is profound meaning in this message, BT. Thank you for sharing this, and your ESH.

I was guilty of using silence. Early on in my healing journey, I thought my spouse should give the same level attentiveness/caring/empathy as I showed him (unrealistic expectations). The line that explains that angry silence just hurts myself is so true! I would spend whole days angry at what my spouse couldn't bring himself to realize or do. Did that ever ruin his whole day? Nope! Never. I wasted so many days! After I had my kid, I tried my best to model better behavior... & I had something else to focus on.

Towards the middle of my journey, I learned not to use silence in that way... I became healthier, but the disease raged on in my qualifier - so it was very hard to "let go" of some things. Sometimes walking away for a moment, an hour, a day, just didn't work. I may have found some level of peace, but my qualifier would follow me around, trying to disturb my peace. Or I would return to some new fire that needed putting out. I now look back at that time and believe he was angry that I couldn't "save" him or "fix" the situation - just like I did for many things in our married life - I MANAGED. But this disease was way beyond my "expertise" or pay-grade, so in his eyes, I failed miserably. He was miserable and took it out on me. Fair? Nope. Just a reality of living with someone who struggles with this disease. May I also interject that it can be collateral damage of being co-dependent (I dislike labels but what can you do?). I now see that I should've allowed all the consequences to happen as they naturally would. In trying to be the "perfect life-partner," I stunted his "adulting." As always with me, FEAR was the motivator behind all my decisions. The big "What If?" ruled all my waking hours.

There are days when I am on here and I get big insights into myself. I am grateful for this site so that I may continue to grow and progress in my healing journey!



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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 246
Date:

Happy Holidays Everyone. Thank you for the topic and shares. It brought back painful memories because I was a master (?) of giving people the silent treatment. I would get carried away literally functioning (for crazy lengths of time) around a person as if they were invisible and be "courteous " if interaction was required. It never ended well because as stated, I punished myself and rarely got what I needed/wanted. Through the steps, I've learned to state my feelings, stop playing mind games and rely less on silent scorn. Thank you for the opportunity to reflect on how far I've come since Al-Anon entered my life.

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