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level.
Tomorrow I am attending my 2nd face to face Al Anon meeting.
I have read several posts here, and I am wondering am I supposed to ask for a support person there, like someone to call if I need help?
This was not offered in the first meeting I went to, there were only 5 other people there for starters, and they all seemed to know each other well, so maybe it is not ALL Al Anon groups have support people like that?
I live in a small town, know very very very little about this ravaging disease and want desperately to get all the help I can, all the knowledge I can and definately all the support I can.
My A has not drank in 2 days. When he woke up yesterday morning, he said "Wow I didnt drink a drop yesterday, that was a nice change." I told him I can tell a big difference in him when he is NOT drinking, he got embarrassed and said "I bet". He did attend ONE AA meeting a couple of months ago, then the next night, after he had already been sober for 3 weeks, he went back out on a binge.
QUESTION: He is agnostic & liberal. When he is drunk he tells me he hates Christians, Republicans and doesnt give a sh*t about the Pro Life movement. I am a Christian - if I wasnt I would NOT have the strength to deal with my A... I am a conservative Republican AND a Pro Life advocate against abortion, I owned 3 groups and was asked to head up a Ohio Right to Life chapter in my county, have been asked by the local Pro Life crisis pregnancy center to do presentations for their committee, have been contacted by Sharon Albertson (Albertsons the chain of stores) who does the Life Chain to help with her projects, personal friends with Sarah Tezro (big name in the community) THAT p's me off, he is a wonderful man, caring, affectionate, generous, loving, gentle BUT when he is blacked out on Rum, he tells me this stuff. I have been told that the TRUTH comes out when a person is drunk, is that true? If it is then wouldnt that mean that he hates pretty much all I stand for as a person? All the things I am passionate about? Or is he rebelling against my faith and my morals because what I believe compromises the lifestyle that HE chooses to live as a drunk? MY QUESTION IS...DOES HE REALLY HATE ME AND WHAT I BELIEVE OR IS HE JUST BEING A TYPICAL DRUNK????? I know he loves me, I do know that, but WHAT is the deal with his statements?
At most meetings you get a "newcomers packet" with various literature and the members usually put their phone numbers and first names on it if they are open to recieving phone calls.
If you did not get the packet, I would ask if they have them. As far as a particular support person, that is a Sponsor. I went to several meetings (actually a couple months) before I asked someone to be my Sponsor, someone that I related to and seemed to have a lot of program experienc.
As far as you A's drunken babble.. I really don't believe they say what they feel when drunk. I think they hate what is happening to them and life feels out of control so they want someone else to hurt too. The few times my husband did say something snarky to me, he was drunk and denied ever saying it. Sober, he would say "I did not say that, I'd never say that to you" Big time denial! If he would remember saying something, he wouldn't admit he was wrong in saying it, h was protecting his disease. LOL! This is exactly why it makes us crazy, it makes no sense whatsoever.
I just asked him (sober now for 90 days) your question....He said it was always the alcohol talking, he'd feel bad about saying things the next day..but then his disease was so strong that he'd do it again the next day too after drinking.
My thought on that is..it's probably very true that it is the alcohol, but it didn't seem like it because some of his actions happened again and again. He didn't stay sober long enough to know it was the alcohol and was way too far in denial to ever admit it.
Sober...he is a sweetheart and I've not seen any sort of the snarky behavior in 90 days. The person underneath is loving, kind and thoughtful.
Just my experience.. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
i think the disease is what comes out when the alcoholic drinks.my uncle died of alcoholism and to the end he swore that this was the way he choses to live. but with everyone in his life telling him he could just stop if he wanted to what else could he say? if he felt differently like he could not stop there was no one listening to help him. so all those people who loved him must be right and he is just a terrible person for doing this to the family. alcoholics are in constant pain and i think they try to be normal but they can't not until they stop medicating and do something about their pain. it took me years to love my ah for what he is not what he could be.and although we are divorcing i do love him for who he is right now.an active addict, with a mental illness. but i'm not here for him. i'm not going to attempt to figure out why he doeswhat he does. he is sick that is why. my question is why do i do what i do? that question usually shuts up the commity in my head. oh good luck. you are doing great just by being here, sharing and learning like the rest of us....take care of you!
when you go to your meetings you can obtain a phone list where people will put there numbers on where they are willing to get phone calls. you will get your support group the more you go and hopefully a sponsor too. drunk talk...forget about it. how important is it? how important is it to focus on why he is saying these things, and what does it all mean. get the focus on you and why you have the beliefs you do and put them to work in your life just like you are doing already. keep your morals and values strong its who you are. also the three books that have been extremely helpful to me are codependent no more by melody beattie, getting them sober volume one by toby rice and the dilemma of an alcoholic marriage (not sure who thats by) they are definatly worth checking out. how alanon is another wonderful book that explains all about the program. can you tell i love reading? lol you can get alanon approved literature at your meetings. take care :)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
It does help to hear that the snide comments he makes are most likely drunken babble.
He is doing well, he drank 2 beers yesterday and stopped. He is far more into our relationship when he is sober that is for sure, so full of compliments and loving words.
I am looking forward to Al Anon tonight and I am going to ask for a sponsor as well.
The disease affects me so much, I am not the mother, employee, friend or advocate I once was BEFORE he came back into my life.
My A is a wonderful man, who I am learning, through reading and this group, is sick and has a disease that I am not able to cure or treat. Knowing that is a comfort in a bizarre way, I guess it takes the pressure off of me to feel like I am not doing enough, knowing that I have NO power over his illness makes me feel less responsible for him....does that make sense? Running off of little sleep and I am the only one at work today, stressing.
So glad to have you with us. It sounds like you're doing really well! As long as you continue to keep an open mind and are willing to change the program and fellowship will help you heal and understand. You will learn how to apply the program 'in all your affairs' and you will notice positive changes in yourself and your life.
I found the Newcomers Pack so useful. If you were not given one I would suggest you ask the Literature Secretary next time you go. If it does not include a phone list of members who are willing to receive calls from newcomers, it was recommended to me to approach individual members and ask for their numbers. Please don't feel hurt if someone declines though, there can be several reasons, one of which may be that their active A may not know they are in the fellowship. I got the numbers but it was very hard for me to pick up the phone when I was in trouble. I didn't want to bother anyone with my concerns, thinking they may be busy or have problems of their own etc. Someone pointed out to me that this was taking their inventory. It is up to the recipient of the call to say at the time whether it is convenient or how much time they have available to talk right now. It was suggested to me not to be offended if one person is not free just simply call another. This was such a relief to me and I began to use the phone regularly. I found out I didn't have to call just because I was in crisis, I could call to say 'hi' and discuss program, 'talk the talk'. The members offered support and 'walked the walk' with me. It is such an important tool.
With regard to sponsorship, I was advised to attend several meetings and also to try other Al-Anon groups before I asked someone to be my sponsor. It was suggested that I listen to their shares and take time to find someone I could identify with/relate to. It is preferable that the person you choose is of the same sex as yourself (to avoid unnecessary complications), attends meetings themselves regularly and has worked the 12 Steps. A sponsor is not only there for support; a sponsor is someone who will take you through the steps and help you work the tools of the program, someone whom you can share personal information with on a one-to-one basis. There is a leaflet called 'What's Sponsorship All About?' and another called 'Why Sponsorship?' You may find these helpful.
Finally, my A wasn't prone to saying unkind things but on the few occasions he did I was already in Al-Anon and learnt not to take them to heart. In my case I now know it was the disease talking and the meanness stemmed from his own self-loathing. He was trying to push me away as he felt so unlovable and guilty. Before Al-Anon I spent some time agonizing over whether the drink had changed his character or simply released his inhibitions and I was finally seeing his true colours. I found it hard to believe he could have hidden his true self from me for more than a decade! In Al-Anon I also learnt that I cannot know what is going on inside a persons head or why they do and say the things they do. I was powerless over other people, places and things. This was very freeing for me and I could focus on myself and concentrate on my own recovery. My A now has over 2 and a half years recovery himself and when we discussed this he said it is the disease talking. I don't think it is a cop-out, he is trying to work an honest program and therefore has to 'own his stuff' and make amends. Like Christy said, when my A was drinking he didn't remember saying such things and also didn't believe he would've said them! You could use these times as an opportunity to practice 'detachment with love'. It becomes easier the more you do it.
Hope something I've shared helps and I wish you well on you're continued journey of recovery and discovery. Work it, you're worth it.
Thanks for your response, I did not get to go to the meeting last night, I didnt have a sitter for my 6 year old son so I will have to hope for next week.
A friend of mine is 9 years sober and he called me yesterday out of the blue to talk about my A.
He keeps encouraging me to leave him, get out now and run, he does not believe that at my A's age he will be willing to get well.
I love my A, so I am not going to leave him, I accept him my A the man I love forever sick in his disease, good and bad.
Thanks for the response again and please keep writing to me, it helps so much
As long as you continue to keep an open mind and are willing to change the program and fellowship will help you heal and understand. You will learn how to apply the program 'in all your affairs' and you will notice positive changes in yourself and your life.
x Maria x