The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend was a good weekend with some eye opening experiences. My A was his usual grumpy self during the day and happy go lucky in the evening. I realized in talking with him that I am still reacting to him, mostly his communication with me and the children. He and I have some disagreements on how we want to encourage our children to be confident and strong. I would like to take the motherly approach I guess in helping them communicate and express their feelings in a healthy way. I have one son who is aggressive and obstinate as hell right now and his brother who has taken his older twins crap since being in-utero. He's passive and laid back, but very sensitive and intutitive to other's feelings. He is "the baby" I guess. My A expects him to learn how to stand up to his brother quickly, but I feel he's too hard on him. He expects too much from 3-year olds. His patience has waned since they got a voice and are expressing their wants and desires 24/7. When it comes to the kids or myself and I feel attacked or feel he's attacking or being too hard my nature is to step in and take over.
I didn't realize that by correcting him in front of the children it's setting him up and me to have them disrespect our authority. I have such a fear of him verbally abusing our children. I expressed to him in the past what I feel is appropriate, my boundaries. He has not respected them. I have asked why? He has an excuse for each time, You this and you that. Never really giving me an answer on how that makes his verbal attacks o.k. I had his aunt over for dinner last night, first night in four years she has come to dinner. We began talking about my A's family and the struggles his siblings also have. They are not responsible either. She said his mother has a problem with seeing her children suffer in any way.
I began thinking about how I will respond to my own children when they get into trouble because of something they have done. Will I rescue or will I allow them to struggle and live with their consequences? My intentions are to allow them to struggle but my past behavior with my A shows otherwise. My A is making good realizations in his life, but the changes may not happen for a while. I realized this morning that I was "helping" too much when I discovered how much money we had spent over the last week. He needed boots, contacts, this that and the other, he's not working!! He hasn't brought home a full weeks pay since he's been back home. Finally this morning it was something simple, he ate all this expensive chocolate that I bought from an outlet store on Saturday. The disrespect and the entitlement mentality hit me in the head. I began writing this note about how I felt and realized how many boundaries I have let him cross. He was not happy with me when he read the note, even started blaming me for not adhering to his boundaries. Finally I said well that list that's on the refrigerator of our boundaries, lets look at them tonight and really think about what needs work. He agreed. Today he calls and has 3 interviews set up and put in an application with an electric company for an apprentice position. Again, his resolve to stop smoking pot and says its time to watch our money. Duh?
Standing up for my boundaries is easier said than done. Standing up for myself means hearing the yelling screaming and cussing. I feel so unvalidated when i try I feel like why try, it doesn't matter. The truth is I see how much it matters to me. I can respect myself when i stand up for me. I'll take his crap only so far before I have to say my peace. Will it make a difference? Maybe, but saying it feels awesome. This boundaries work I fear is never ending, some days its too exhausting to think about. Thanks for listening.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
As you know I can barely spell boundries much less hold myself and everyone else to them. But I am learning *g*.
I always share based on my relationship with my AW, but I have 2 children. One 11 and the other 21. Both boys.
I will share this with you. My oldest is very smart and caring young man. Both his Mom and I had little or nothing growing up and since we could do better than that for him we did, all the way through.
As a matter of fact we had so few boundries with him, and spent so much time helping him that he now has trouble doing anything for himself. Won't manage his money, get's his girlfriend or mom to fill out his timesheet for work. Million and 1 excuses for why he can do nothing he doesn't want to do.
Now when I say he is smart, he made good grades in school when he tried. Scored 1300 on the SAT. He just expects us to do everything for him.
Everyone wants their kids to feel special, and we all want to help them. With our 11 yr old I am helping him understand the He can do it! Much to the dismay of my wife.
I admire your attitude towards not doing anything to dimish anyones credibility in front of the kids. As much chaos as we all have already, it is important to provide a unified front to the kids. If they think they can pick and choose which parent will allow certain things ... they will!
You seem to be doing great, thanks for all the support and keep taking care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Funny reading your post, I told my A this weekend that if he needs to share with my about the boys that he needn't curse at me, it only makes me defensive and then an argument insues....he said that I was attacking him. I will stand up for what I feel is appropriate for me!!!! Hang in there, someone once told me that I should choose the harder right over the easier wrong...I put that to use with my boundaries.
I like what Mary said about the doing the harder right instead of the easier wrong. I definitely need to remember that!
Boundaries isn't that a part of why we are all here to begin with. I am anyway--I think if I were/had been capable of sticking to my boundaries then I wouldn't be in this place. Not to say that I wouldn't love my a, but maybe be so consumed with him and his life and his choices and trying to fix and make better. Does that make any sense?
It is so hard "parenting". My parents never disagreed in front of me. I knew I couldn't go to one if the other had already said no. I knew respect was one of the most important things. I have to be very careful when dealing with the kids and my a. His decisions and the way he handles things because it is so often out of his own selfish desires that I want to just tell my kids it's no big deal and do stuff behind his back. I need to be so careful--actually the kids know that they can ask dad stuff, but if mom says no, that's it--it' doesn't really matter what dad said. (Which is sad, isn't it?!) He just normally tries to do whatever is the easiest for him, not what is necessarily best for the kids--what they want to eat sugar all day long, fine as long as they stay out of his hair (for instance).
So finding a good balance I find very difficult. I want the kids to respect him I really do, but I also feel that respect goes both ways--he should also respect me and the kids. Amazing how disrespectful they can be because they feel guilty and want to feel better about themselves so they belittle everyone and everything else!
Not too sure I said anything of purpose. I think I started out to, but then got sidetracked. My best friend has ADD.--Seems like I have those tendencies too!!!!!
He's passive and laid back, but very sensitive and intutitive to other's feelings. He is "the baby" I guess. My A expects him to learn how to stand up to his brother quickly, but I feel he's too hard on him. He expects too much from 3-year olds. His patience has waned since they got a voice and are expressing their wants and desires 24/7. When it comes to the kids or myself and I feel attacked or feel he's attacking or being too hard my nature is to step in and take over.
