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Post Info TOPIC: 23rd Oct C2C


Senior Member

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23rd Oct C2C


Today's author talks about being sure that the nightmare would be over once the alcoholic they loved got sober.  But without the tranquilising effect of alcohol, she became verbally abusive.  She accused, attacked, insulted and the author always defended themself. It seemed crucial that the AP understand.  But that didn't happen, no matter how much they argued, pleaded or insulted in return.  They felt trapped and hopeless.

The author notes that sobriety brings change, but it doesn't take away all the problems.  Al-Anon helps us learn that we don't have to accept the unacceptable, nor do we have to argue back or convince another person that we're innocent or right.  We can begin to recognise when we are dealing with an alcoholic's insanity and detach.  We certainly don't have to respond by doubting ourselves.

Today's reminder - when cruel words fly from the mouth of another person, whether drunk or sober, Al-Anon helps me remember that I have choices.  Perhaps I can say the Serenity Prayer to myself, or refuse to discuss the topic any further.  I can listen without taking the words personally; I can leave the room, change the subject, make an Al-Anon call, or explore other alternatives.  My Sponsor can help me to discover options that seem right for me.

"We may never have the choices we would have if we were writing the script, but we always have choices."   In All Our Affairs

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I was certainly guilty of thinking if only my AH would stop drinking then all would be well.  The reality was that I got the most peace when he had drunk so much that he was unconscious.  The 'sober' version of him was unpredictable and  I lived a lot of my life in a state of hypervigilance.   I also waited for the relatively sober periods so I could tell him exactly what I thought of him - hoping that he would see the light and change.

Through Al-Anon I learned to look beyond the alcohol and look at the behaviour and whether that was acceptable to me regardless of whether alcohol was involved or not.  Through removing myself from the situation I consistently said through my actions what I would and would not tolerate - these were my boundaries.

No matter how bad the situation got, I told myself I had choices and it was knowing that I had these choices which brought me serenity.  

 



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Thank you for the reading bettertomorrow and your share. There's so much wisdom in it, filled with great self care reminders.  I've really come to know that both sanity and and sobriety can present very differently from person to person. John who created this site often said something comical when speaking of himself. I'm sure it's in some of his past posts here. He often shared it with us in chat and it always got a laugh. "You can take the rum out of a fruitcake but you still have a fruitcake." This rings true for me as well as the alcoholics in my life. Just because I'm no longer living with active alcoholism doesn't automatically guarantee a sweet life. I will always need to work Alanon recovery as a way of life to maintain my sanity and serenity. It's helped me to set healthy boundaries concerning my own behaviors (responding with recovery vs reacting insanely if provoked). Working the program helps me one day at a time to not be held hostage to my own old behaviors that no longer serve me. It helps me to assert boundaries with others concerning unacceptable behaviors. Progressing in my recovery even as someone in the program awhile, I find the term To Thine Own Self Be True changes as I grow in my recovery. This is where the saying "Some people come into our life for a reason, some for a season and others for a lifetime," comes into play for me. Alanon continues to teach me how to be responsible for my own happiness. I have choices concerning my relationships and my degree of involvement. Continuing to check my motives and expectations is important for me. The hope is that with recovery, I can continue to create healthy, life affirming connections with others. Without reciprocity, some possible choices might be to not engage at all with someone. I can choose to continue the connection but practice detachment. I might choose to love someone at a distance if necessary rather than unfriend them or unfamily them because of unacceptable behaviors they exhibit. Thanks to Alanon, I'm able to take conscious action whereas in the past I allowed myself to be acted upon. I can choose what I need to in order to maintain my sanity and serenity. TT



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 24th of October 2021 09:53:35 AM

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you BT and TT for such wonderful shares!!

I related, and took away a great deal from these two shares today!

Grateful.



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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



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Thank you BT, TT and PNP I too benefited from BT's service, reading and everyone's ESH.

I too can relate to thinking that if only the drinking would stop and so would the chaos.

I learned otherwise in Al-Anon recovery and am very grateful.

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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Bt for your service and for all above ESH. Learning that I had choices is a very important part of my life and my recovery. Feeling trapped and stuck was never good. My serenity no longer depends upon my A. Thank you program! That was a very slippery slope with a negative outcome time after time. So I also had to learn that I alone am responsible for my day and my mood and my accomplishments. I no longer depend on others for these needs/activities. Its quite a relief actually. Grateful member.

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha Ladies and thank you for the sane support in you sharing.  I am glad I showed  up this afternoon with the cold and rain showers and wind outside.  When I decided to sit and open the program the sun came out over my shoulder which caused me to chuckle.  My HP does and has for a while given me note when I am abided by it's love and concern.  My wife and I watched a squirrel running up and down one of our trees making due collecting nuts and having a time of it.  I don't have anything to be concerned about except a loss of control over my serenity when I should not let that happen.  For now I'm okay and that is okay.  I will continue to hang around here and read, read, read.   ((((hugs)))) awwbiggrin



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