The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not really sure if this is where I should start or post so please forgive me I just really need some answers and support right now. I want to also say that by some grace of God have never had to deal with addictions with myself or my family members until now. I am seeking to understand and gain clarity.
Several years ago while on vacation I was introduced to a gentleman whom I will call Jorge. I returned to the country in which Jorge lived in to get to know him. During this time I learned, from Jorge himself that he had a problem with alcohol and what I later learned drugs. Months before I met him he fled the country avoiding finishing his treatment for a DUI. I, like most people felt sympathy for Jorge and his words of wanting to quit. I knew that I could not make Jorge continue his treatment but I felt that if I just let him make his own decisions without force sooner or later Jorge would come to a point where he would want treatment for himself rather than being forced.
Years went by and I traveled several times a month to see this man I loved, talked on the phone and planned our wedding. I began to see his drug use as well as his drinking problem emerge. At first his addiction to cocaine was a secret however later his use became to much to conceal and he openly admitted using cocaine and alcohol on a regular basis. I watched as his physical health declined. Many occasions he would become so ill from what he said were ulcers that opened up probably from years of drug and alcohol abuse that I wondered if this would be his last day alive. Still I stuck by his side hoping that in some respects love would lead the way.
Last summer I recieved an email from a mutual friend who was concerned and the note entailed that Jorge was no longer using cocaine but had upgraded to using crystal meth (Ice). I didn't really now much about it but Jorge said that since he switched from coc to ice he had done so much better with his addictions. His drinking continued but he limited himself to drinking only beer as he claimed drinking Tequila made him "crazy". He drank beer every day but said his drug use only occasional. Drinking beer made him satisfied without being mean and crazy so I agreed with his assertion.
I left to see him on my normal visits last Sunday. I was going to stay the whole week. Things had been going fine until Friday. This was the day that Jorge decided to hang out with his buddy Jimmy, that likes to get him drunk as he says. Jorge told me he was going to take his friend to the mechanics shop to get his truck and he would return in about an hour. He left at 3pm. At 7 I began to worry as Jorge had not returned home. By 10 Jorge crept into the room and sneaked past me with only an apology for his lateness and not calling. I knew he was drunk and likely high as well. I was upset and the anger came out in my words. I began threatening to leave and return home as punishment for my miss treatment. (probably not the right thing to do). He seemed calm about it and said ok. I asked for the money back that I had lent him some time back and he flew into a rage. He threw his sunglasses of the bed shattering them into a million pieces. He then did something so out of the ordinary I don't no whether I was hurt or in shock but he shoved me hard into the chest of drawers that lined the bedroom. Hitting my head I screamed at him. He told me if I touched him he would kill me and reminded me that calling the police in his country would only serve nothing. He kept telling me how he would kill me. I became frightened by what he might do next. He grabbed my luggage and threw them out the door and told me he would call me a taxi. He said that i was a psycho B and to get out of his life and that he never wanted to see me again. I tried to plead with him but as he swayed from the alcohol he told me I was on my own. This took place at his parents house who saw what was going on and made him leave. The next day I booked a flight home. I have not heard from him.
I learned from his parents and friends that our relationship was based on what I am piecing together as a string of lies. He sold all the gifts I had given him for party money and lied about their wear abouts when I asked. I learned that he was stealing jewelry from his mother and pawning and selling it for money. He had spent the money I loaned him and even borrowed more.
Part of me is anticipating the "I am so sorry phone call" but maybe I am wrong. Do I even take his phone call and believe in him? A big part of my question is learning how to deal with him while protecting myself if we do decide to continue this relationship? Is this common situation that happens in addictive relationships? I still love him and want to believe the best but yet I don't trust him. Is there anywhere to go from here. I feel generally at a loss and a state of confusion is hanging over my head. Thanks for reading my story.
It sounds like a normal progression of the disease. Addicts vhave told methey switch from cocaine to smoking crack because it doesn't "mess up their bodies as bad" Ie: nose bleeds.
You were in a very dangerous position in a foreign country with a raging addict, I would suggest you not let that happen again. Addtcts steal from anyone and everyone, including those they love. They will not stop until they hit "their bottom". You should decide before the phone rings what you are going to do, answer it, let it ring, or take the call and say I can't be with someone who scares the crap out of me, and see if he further threatens you so you know if you need to take action like a restaining order. This may be hard since abuse happened in another country. You may want to talk to a women's shelter for advice on how to protect yourself, if he is mad. This isn't a normal situation.
Good luck and keep coming back here, we will beglad to help you with your recovery from loving an addict. Welcome to miracles in Progress.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
you are in the right place. we don't give advice here. we share our own experiences and you are free to take what you like, what you feel would work for you. i have heard that when we are confused we don't have to make a decision.i would share that we have the right to take care of ourselves first and foremost. sounds like you are doing the best you can in a tough situation. this program and these people have supported me with whatever decisions i have made- to stay with my crack addicted husband, to leave him and all the time inbetween when i had no idea what i wanted or needed. here i found comfort in knowing i was not alone, i have found answers, i have found love for myself. it is a safe place. i would suggest that you try a face to face meeting. they are very powerful. just keep comming and your life will get better.
Hello Jess , well from wht I know about crystal meth it's a bad one. And as for drinking only beer my husb became a cronic alcoholic drinking nothing but beer and almost died sooooooooo u draw your own conclusions as to wether he is a pretty sick man or not . Do they lie ? yes they do it's the nature of the disease. I don't pay much attention to what anyone says i watch what they do.
If he pushed u once he will do it again, this too is progressive. I hope u find some meetings for yourself and learn what it is your dealing with . Take care of yourself and focus on your needs not his. good luck Louise
As said, we do not give advice, but I can tell you what I would do with the information you have about learned from Jorge's friends and family.
I would simply ask myself what is good for me? Can I live my life peacefully with this person and their addiction?
For me, the answer would be a resounding NO. I can understand the actions that the disease brings...stealing, hawking gifts, staying out late, run ins with the law etc. BUT, I would not be in a relationship with someone that threatened my life or was violent toward me, especially if I was not living with them and could get out easily.
Meth and cocaine are scary drugs. I've seen people just "snap" and go in to an uncontrolled rage. With adrenalin pulsing behimd that, there is no reasoning with the person. They are literally psychotic and can demonstrate super human strength along with the crazy behavior.
Alcohol can have the same affect on some people as far as the rage, but chances are they will be less coordinated and more likely to pass out at some point.
Alanon can help whether you decide to stay in this relationship or not. If you choose not to, please continue to seek help with Alanon. It can help you discover who you are, what you want and set up boundaries for now and/or in future relationships.
As for that phone call? It's your choice. Just remember: If nothing changes, nothing changes. Meaning, if you accept "the apology" with no consequences for his actions, you can expect it to happen again and again.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Dear one, even though we "don't give advice here," I DO!! You were in mortal danger. Anyone who becomes physically violent or threatens murder is dangerous, and you need to steer clear. The break has been made. You'd be well advised to leave it as is. There comes a time when there is nothing we can do. Apologising means that you did something wrong and that you are sorry. You did nothing wrong, my dear, except perhaps love the wrong man. It is a heartbreaking experience, but you seem a strong person. You'll be just fine.
Keeping you in my prayers, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thankyou all for your words. They make so much sense to me and it really helps to see that many of the things that are happening are all part of the disease.
I have been blaming myself thinking if only I hadn't confronted him about the money or being late things may turned out differently. I have read so many stories from recovering addicts that describe how every one left them (rightfully so) and I just never wanted to do that to him. However I know that my life was in danger and that drugs can make a person go crazy for no reason at all even to perfect strangers. So I am not willing to put my life in danger again to risk the chance that there may be a piece of his soul left that his addictions have not taken. Are there things I can say to be supportive but yet not put myself in this situation again. Should I call him and try to get him help or just give up and let go? Those are my questions runnning in my head right now.
For me the painful reality of watching someone you love kill their bodies and soul is one of the worst things I could imagine. Sometimes I felt like shaking him, like wake up and smell reality. The reality that you don't have many years left but it would not have done any good. I believe that he is not ready to quit in fact he told me that on a couple of occasions. He said he would but he was only doing it for me. I guess it was all just lies.
Once again thankyou for your knowledge and support you truely are wonderful people!
