The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 'home' - my house, my couch, my food and soon - my bed with my pillow and blanket. I am a very tired gal who's body clock is a bit screwed up because of different time zones, yet am playing catch up 'here'.
I left my home 2 weeks ago today and drove for 18 hours (stopped, for the first time @ a hotel) to surprise my parents. I made a last minute decision to go see my mom first, who was then at a rehab about an hour away from my dad. I snapped a photo, sent it to my dad and said, "Surprise!" I then drove to their home and we embraced.
We have placed my mother in an assisted living center in their town. The paperwork for insurance and assessments and .... is more painful than long form tax preparation. She is content, comfortable and well cared for. She doesn't know who I am and is a changed woman - has not mentioned alcohol in a mother, goes barefoot (never in my life has she done this), likes outdoors & listening to birds (another never...before) and is eating well, laughing tons and has no idea what's really going on.
As this unfolds, I can see a deep sadness in my dad. They've been married 65 years (June) and have rarely spent a day/night apart. She's adjusted quite well so far; he's being brave yet it makes my heart hurt for him that his new normal means going home to an empty home each day/evening. We are fortunate that they are a part of a great community that cares for each other, watches out for each other and I am confident that he will be in good hands.
I've not had much time to assess 'me' and where I am. I am sad, yet realizing that acceptance is truly the answer to all my problems - real or imagined. I just wanted to share that I am home, will be around more and appreciate all the support and prayers. (((Hugs))) to all of you - I am golfing tomorrow and beyond as that's my happy place. Grateful to be home, grateful for all of you and hopeful I'll sleep well tonight!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
{{{IAH}}} Glad you are home safely, and I can imagine what an ordeal you've been through. My mom in her last 1-2 years, only knew I was someone she cared about, but stopped knowing I was her daughter. She did not even know how many kids she had or what our names were. The 3 A's were surely needed. I was lucky to have one brother who helped and we took care of things together. My other two siblings were uninvolved. When younger I imagined the end of one's life would be a pleasant time of life. Not so at least in my family. My dad died from a second heart attack when he was 60, and my mom became physically crippled, and the dementia set in. She did live into her early 90's. I miss them.
IAH as your return to your "normal" with golf, etc., easy does it, ODAT.
I am happy for you that you got to see that your parents, in spite of the difficulties, are dealing well under the circumstances!!
So happy that your Mom is comfortable and cared for and your Dad has the support he needs so that you can feel comfortable with the huge change he has had to embrace.
I do know and understand that feeling of melancholy, when I look at my parents and see the changes due to advanced aging and health issues. I do try to look to the present for all that is good and not dwell to much on the past or the future, when it comes to my parents. It ain't easy that is for sure!
{{HUGS}}
-- Edited by DM2021 on Saturday 25th of September 2021 09:32:55 AM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
So glad you had a safe trip, and were able to connect with both your parents. You are very fortunate indeed that your mother is in a good memory facility, and is well cared for and happy. Yes, your father has a tough road ahead... men seem much more dependent on their spouses than the other way around. But, you are reporting that he lives in a very caring community that takes care of one another... something that I know can ease your worries. I am throwing out good energy to the universe that will hopefully impact all three of you!
Enjoy your weekend of golf!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
((((Sis)))) Happy and satisfied that you have a strong program that is attached to you where ever and when ever you are and that you share it with us. For me presently it is very helpful and supportive as it runs simultaneous to my own life which always needs Higher Power and HP's tools.
I was powerless at my birth conception yet a stranger to all that has been presented to me since. Mahalo Akua (Thank you God for knowing I would need the program, steps, traditions, slogans, literature and family to come this far) cause on a constant basis I need it's ESH to decide which way to turn and what different way I can choose so that I gain and maintain serenity, sanity and sobriety.
Today I can experience progress which seems often to be perfections because I can experience peace of mind and serenity without begging for it.
I spend part of my mornings with our literature sitting out in the front yard facing an intersection reading and re-reading and meditating often feeling very supportive and cared for by neighbors from where ever they are who come past and wave and honk their greeting. Did I say I am from 2600 miles each way at Hilo Hawaii? This place is soooo foreign to me without the presence of our program...Thank You God again. And at the same time I also require the program to be able to exist in my own home and marriage. Miracles continue.
Your shared prayers regarding the healing to my recent oral surgery have been astronomical!! This morning I found myself chewing without pain concern without knowing I was doing so....The first thought is prayers are the stronger medication...Love you all. Keep them coming as the disease remains and Jerry F is still needing recovery. Of course I do the same without reluctance.
All of the readings from my literature; Courage to Change, Hope for Today, and One Day at a Time including my AA Daily Reflections point me again to the promises which always work for me if I continue to live, learn and practice, practice, practice...This DOES WORK when i work it...thank you all.
Going to look for ways and others I can share this miracle in progress.
Oh by the way they honk as they go buy and if they have a dog in the vehicle I will also get a bark. LOL
Mother above should have been a month...it's amazing how physically tired I am and I need to work on 'Easy Does It'. I did golf today and am caught up on laundry and much around here. Still much to do yet I do know there are no 'deadlines' beyond self-imposed.
I headed out today to go to the golf course. I could see 2 parents and offspring chasing a young dog who truly had no interest in being caught. I stopped my car in my driveway as they were all in the street around our home - had come from up the street. The more they chased, the more he ran - thinking it was a game.
As a friendly dog-loving stranger, I called him and he ran by 3 times before he stopped for some 'love'. I gave him a huge hug, lots of pets and held him until they could get his collar/leash attached. They thanked me and went on their way. I was almost late for golf; no big deal really - just made me realize that no matter how much we plan or prepare, 'life' happens and it's best to just do the next right thing, focusing on being of service.
I did not golf well and that's OK too. Truly, when I think about all that is, and all I have, I really don't want for anything. I am missing my friend, and yet know she's at peace. I am missing my parents, yet know they are well. Melancholy is a great word for what I am feeling about a few things, which I know, this too shall pass.
Love and light to all! Brother - I am a big fan of the Miss America wave when others honk or similar to me. A big smile and a larger wave makes my heart lift up!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dealing with aging parents is an area that calls upon us to draw deeply from the principles to avoid drowning in the sea of fundamental and emotional change.
Always encouraging to hear the program in action, my thoughts are with you as I am facing similar family challenges ahead. Rest, rejuvenate, and rejoice in the glorious days of fall that are upon us...good to have you back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
IAH, so glad you are back and getting into life one day at a time.
I loved your story about helping the family catch their runaway dog! The way I see it, you were a higher power that helped them do what they could not do themselves. They were chasing a solution, but the real solution was attraction not promotion.
Thanks all - prayers sent your way Paul. This is a chapter that I knew was coming yet feel adequately unprepared for. I did not realize how incredibly exhausting 'all this' has been -- yet feeling it. I truly am grateful to be back in my bed and slowly adapting to my time zone.
(((Hugs))) to all!
Freetime - that dog/puppy was just having a great time avoiding capture. It was kind of funny to watch and then participate. I so love energetic pups - yet am glad it was not mine!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I miss your presence here, Iamhere. I hope that you are golfing every day (before the snow comes) and are staying healthy. I think of you often... usually in the form of, "I wonder what Iamhere would say about this." I am offering prayers for your parents as well.
Sending you peace
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I don't know that someone could ever truly be prepared for this type of chapter. It's hard! While acceptance is the answer, it doesn't mean that it makes it feel better. You're not alone and it sounds like you're taking good care of yourself. I remember going through similar with both my parents... draining yes... and I also cherish the moments I was able to spend with them, even when they weren't mentally present (not sure if that makes sense...) When I became overwhelmed, I leaned into my program and also slowed down as part of my self care. ODAT
Greetings all and a quick update. Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers, PM's, emails, etc. All is as good as can be expected. As a person in recovery, I try to focus on self-care first - I am of no value to anyone else if I am not as spiritually fit as possible. What I know about me is when 'life happens', my best and first course of action is to keep my mouth closed, my eyes/ears open.
So, my new normal for now is quite different. My program has also shifted to better meet my limited resources. When I am able, I'll return to MIP in some shape/form. For now, things are 'good'. The first assisted living center was not a good fit. We've already moved my mother once. Both parents are struggling with the 'modified normal' and the process, paperwork, follow-up between Medicare, Insurance, Long-Term Care and all else (assisted living, therapy, etc.) takes more time in a day than a person has.
Just checking in to share that all is well here and to thank all for your support, thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for taking the time from that very hectic schedule to update MIP. You are a strong presence here, and a stabilizing one for me personally. I am glad that you are attending to yourself as well.
Sending you love & support.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Glad to hear from you Iamhere. I've also missed your presence. PNP (and I hope you're healing ok from your fall) articulated my feelings so well. Please take good care of yourselves. Sending love.
well, Iamhere, I too, am home, loved your share, and am so glad that you are Home and well. why am I saying that I am Home too, like you, One day I tried to get online with the MIP program and couldn't, I tried everything I knew how to, but nothing worked. How did I feel, thinking that I lost all of my friends that I have made here, my sponsor, I was so full of anxiety. Boy did I have to work my program, saying the Serenity Prayer, over and over, Letting Go and praying to my HP. I was all over the place, only this morning, I said to My HP, that If I lost my Sponsor, this program and my friends, and the ability to share, then for Him to help me deal with it, and find another way. I wasn't going to try anymore today to see if I can sort it out. As everything I tried before didn't work.
But one thing I didn't do, is give up, I have many imperfections, but giving up is not one of them. I am persistent. So I tried another default program and wow, wow, up it came and here I am. To say how I feel, is like over the moon, and so thankful for God helping me, and for not giving up. When things go upside down in my life they do, as I have upset my neighbour as well, I have tried to talk to her and make amends but she is not talking to me, but I have tried.
To say the last few weeks have been stressful for me is an understatement, but for today, I am so truly grateful and Happy.
Thank you for the update . I am sincerely glad to hear that you are well and that you are putting yourself first. Positive thought and prayers for a better fit for your mom in the next place.
"I am a very tired gal", but obviously not too tired - "I am golfing tomorrow" - LOL, glad that ya saved some energy to do something that's fun for ya!
"I am sad" - it is so painful to see these folks we love, especially parents, drift off into old age - and, as with the alcoholics and addicts, we're powerless to do anything, aside maybe from visiting with them. Your post about your Mom brought back a lot of memories about my Mom. I have countless wonderful, happy memories about my Mom and Dad (married 50 years) from my growing up years and through my adult years, but I'm still sad remembering my Mom moving from independent living into assisted living when she was about 90 - Dad had passed 20 years before that, so Mom missed Dad, but she was used to being on her own by that time. Dad had emphysema - he died of a heart attack just as the emphysema was getting bad - he was dead before he hit the ground - a blessing for him, for sure. After about 20 years of Mom being on her own, my Sister and I were pretty much forced to move my Mom (she was NOT happy with us) from her independent living situation into an assisted living situation (same complex), after she had a few falls, some increasing forgetfulness, problems managing her medications, and just a general degradation with her quality of life. Mom was in a very, very nice facility - a top of the line place - but that move just took the wind out of her sails - thankfully, for Mom and for my Sister and I, she only had to endure a couple of years in assisted living before she passed peacefully in her sleep in the hospice section of the same facility.
I'm glad that you had some time with your Dad - it's gotta be tough for him after being with someone for 65 years, to suddenly be without that person - and for that person to still be here, alive, but not next to you.
"acceptance is truly the answer to all my problems" - and knowing THAT puts ya on the path to better days ahead.
Thanks MIP family. I am headed back out one week from today to surprise my father for his birthday. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone - going to play it by ear.
They (my parents together) called yesterday while I was napping post meal. I chuckled and giggled when I listened to the message - my mother said, "Happy Halloween", my father corrected her explaining it was Thanksgiving and she corrected herself with, "Happy Holiday".
I am grateful for the gift of finding humor and light, no matter the situation. (((Hugs))) to all and please know your thoughts and prayers are appreciated!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all - well...I am perplexed once again yet grateful I don't have to do/decide today. Long story short, my visit is a surprise for my parents and I've got a hotel for my trip down. That's truly as much effort I've put in so far.
Last night, my father told me he was exposed (unknowingly) to Covid on Thanksgiving. *Sigh* - this brings me worry, anxiety and concern for him, my mother, others in the care facility and myself as well. So, I went to bed wondering if I should make the trip now - between his exposure and this new variant - having second thoughts.
Today, I sent an email to the resident manager checking on how she thought my mom was doing and she informed me that she's got a break-through case of Covid so is not at the facility and is not sure when she'll be back 'in'. She did not disclose any more and I didn't ask but am very concerned now for my mother, the residents, etc.
BR (Before Recovery), either of these would have put me into a frenzy/panic/pity mode. The two together would have made me unbearable to be around. Yet, because of recovery, I went to bed worried and not sure what to do and woke up the same way - yet - I am not freaking out or projecting gloom/doom/worse case scenario.
What I do know is that I need to cancel the hotel room on Thursday if I am not going. Beyond that, I don't know anything or what I will do. I can pack/unpack easy enough no matter what choice I make. I have been praying about it, talking about it and writing about it and one thing I do know is the answers will come - they always do. So long as I keep doing the next right thing, I have no doubt I'll figure it out by Thursday - go/no-go.
So, I'll keep you all posted! We have had a very mild, lovely start to our winter for which I'm grateful. I don't have to be there/back at any defined interval and I'm grateful for a flexible life/family...more will be revealed!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Greetings MIP! I am back home again and my parents are doing as well as can be expected. I appreciate those who've reached out to me via PM and/or other. I am stretched thin and putting self-care first followed by service to others - in this case, family.
I will return when I can, as I can/decide to do so. Know that I'm grateful to know that MIP is here when I need it. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is practice time for me when I am faced with it and I resort to my prayer with HP..."Place me where you want me...tell me what to do" and then the practice of patience with faith.
You know how to do that Sis and will not do it alone. See Him; your HP standing with you holding your hand and sharing the event while you "trust God, clean house and help others".
