September 17 - Intimacy Book - Boundaries - Al-Anon Family Group

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

September 17 - Intimacy Book - Boundaries

DM2021 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you FT for today's reading from the Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships book!

My ESH echo's yours because once I set the "detachment" boundary for myself the perception that,

"if only AH stopped drinking everything would be perfect", was not within my realm of control, I was

much happier and my relationship with AH was much more manageable.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you FT for your service and I think you hit the nail on the head: you tried to set the boundaries for AH but of course it was to no avail! I tried this with my A for years--I set the boundaries for my A, I tried to force solutions, and even if I was right, I had no business trying to control anyone else. Only until I decided to set boundaries for myself, that real health could begin.

Daffodils · Senior Member

Good Morning Everyone. Thank you for your service/ESH and all above shares. By minding my own business, I was able to revisit a boundary I set some time ago. I thankfully kept my mouth shut and allowed my AH to work through a "crisis " on his own. In hindsight, I see that I was anticipating an outcome that hasn't occurred in 18 months. Furthermore, there was time to head off future drama. Thank goodness for Al-Anon tools that helped me navigate through the day with grace , kindness, and patience. I would have freaked out at him for a problem that's in MY head. (yeah, it's humbling). By staying in the moment, we had a great day and got news his Mom will be okay. Thank you HP and MIP.

Bettertomorrow · Senior Member

Thank you Freetime and all for your shares.

I too have learned the hard way. In the beginning I had no boundaries at all and merely tried to control, coerce and manipulate my AH to stop drinking. Of course it didn't work. Then I set a boundary that he could only drink low alcohol drinks and set about buying them for him. Of course he drank those and then went off to the shop to buy what he really wanted himself. After that I set a boundary that he could drink what he liked but not in the family room. Again that was about as unsuccessful as my previous attempts - he either did go a different room, but I was left full of resentment for running everything on my own while he was passed out in another room or he ignored me and drank in the family room which ended with some nasty confrontations.

Finally I realised that the boundaries were for me and had to be something within my control. It was all very well to say no alcohol in the house and say that I would leave every time he was drunk, but that was no fun when it was raining, just before the children's meal time and I then had to leave with all four children in tow. I spent more time out of the house than in it, while he was cosily sitting on his own drinking to his heart's content.

In the end, I had to separate physically from him and myself and the children now live apart. I appreciate this is not the solution for everyone, but for me I had to reinforce this boundary for not just my sake but the children aswell. Boundaries literally gave me my serenity back and I am so grateful for that.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Freetime for your service.

I can really relate to Bettertomorrow's share of experience. When I first started with 12 stepping, it was with Nar-Anon (about 12 years ago). That morphed into Al-Anon. I learned what boundaries truly were. My boundaries began like ultimatums, but eventually as my knowledge in this program grew, my boundaries took on a healthier tone.

But (and this is a huge but), they never helped me attain serenity while living with the addicted person. Mostly b/c my Ex would crap all over my boundaries, and I always felt the repercussions of his addictions, b/c I was the "responsible party." There was always collateral damage for either myself or my kid - and usually myself, since I became a VERY good shield. I decided it was no way to live any longer. I was so tired of being so resentful. I chose a different path. In some cases, having good boundaries is not enough for happiness while living with an addicted spouse. Each person has to make their own way. Right? My way was to embrace my ultimate boundary: I didn't want to be affected by the collateral damage of addiction any more. I didn't want my kid to sustain any more damage as well. Upholding/honoring that boundary was the hardest thing I have ever had to do b/c it meant so many life changes... many I didn't truly want, but felt I was forced to have.

However, knowing and having strong boundaries has helped tremendously in general Life. Use them all the time in work situations, as well as interactions with my now young adult kid, and interactions with my Ex. So in this respect, boundaries have brought me some serenity.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

PnP, I can relate to your share. Getting some physical distance -- which in my case meant putting my very sick husband in a care home rather than try to care for him at home -- was one of the boundaries that helped me. That relieved a lot of my stress, which then allowed me to be more open to Al-Anon principles such as detachment, and the "detachment with love" part took longer still, and a lot of step work.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.