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Looking for your thoughts.... on why some find apologizing a reflection of weakness on their parts? Do we not all have weak moments? Are we a lesser human being in admitting maybe we have weaknesses as well as strengthes.
I've yet to meet a perfect person, only my HP can claim perfection, we are human. What is going on in the makeup of a person who can not apologize. They are not able to express regret for an action or something they may be at fault for. Are they fearful if their tower has a loose brick or two it will topple? Therefore if they do not awknowledge the loose brick in their minds they are still strong. What happens when there are so many loose bricks they can no longer avoid awknowledgment because their tower is leaning. Guess some go through life with the ability to patch the loose bricks with no one looking and make it to the end never apologizing. Others topple, a bit like an A hitting bottom? Maybe this is the pink elephant syndrome?
Why do I have such a difficult time when surrounded by people... that take the.... no apologizes stance? I no longer want to be around this type of person and have very little tolerance for them. Unfortunately my STBX A and parts of my family are in the no apologizes club. I wonder if this was my attraction to my A in the first place and how/why I ended up in this relationship, it was what was familiar, what I grew up with. Maybe the divorce from my husband and the revelations surrounding it, my new boundry setting ,low tolerance for this personality are what is creating my current family difficulties as well. Like my A they were so used to me being their scapegoat (I 'm hoping I do not think of myself as a victim, if you guys see signs of it please let me know) walking on me with no reaction from me. Now that I will not allow myself to be walked on it is difficult for them to accept. They have lost their punching bag.
Hello, hope, As I've done my work in Alanon, I've come to see apologizing as a sign of strength. And I've noticed that the more I stay focused on myself, the more I notice how uncomfortable I am with people who do not own up to their own part of what is going on in a relationship. Personally, I don't choose to be on close terms with people like that anymore. Of course, that is more difficult when it is someone in my family, who is going to be a part of my life, but I have learned to not put my trust into relationships when the other person will not take responsibility. I grew up being the one responsible for everything, and through the Program I've learned that I can only take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions and feelings. That's been the source of growing self esteem for me. As I have said out here many times, I've only learned that by going to meetings, finding a sponsor, and working the steps. Now making the choice of who is safe and who is not - for ME - is getting easier. But it has taken me years of work. Blessings and prayers to you. It sounds as if you are waking up! mebjk
My mind was still busy while working outside and here I am posting before I forget the thought.
Thinking about step 4. Maybe there is something about me that makes it difficult for others to apologize to me. Do I get an attitude of.... you have wronged me, you need to own it and make it right between us again. This may be, I'm not sure.
Are there attitudes others ooze that put you on the defensive, enabling you to slam your door of apology shut?
If so what attitudes are they? Are these attitudes theirs/ours to get over, enabling an apology.
I hope I'm not making this more complicated then it is?
I do not mind apologizing when I know I am wrong.The people in my life who never apologize also never think they are wrong.They are also A's.
I used to always be the one to say I'm sorry just to keep peace, even when I didn't think I was wrong.Not anymore.Now I will not apologize if I know I am right.My siblings will get mad and stop speaking to me.Let them.It makes my world alot more peaceful.I do not miss the drama and turmoil.
People are going to think what they want about you, you cannot control that. Let it go.
Your mom knows why you asked for the blank check, you know, HP knows.Who else matters?
my mother is in the no apologies club. after taking her inventory i realized that it most likely stems from the fact that she is a saint. saints cannot be wrong. ever. if they are then they lose their sainthood and have to be human like the rest of us, and ofcourse that includes feeling real feelings. lol i know. and she is so saintly that when i try to apologize for something i have done that i feel bad about. her standard response is "well, you should be sorry".it is very aggravating. so, idealy i would just keep my side of the street clean, focus on myself, avoid getting into any situation with her that would lead to the need for an apology. but the only way she communicates is by arguing. it is a very complicated situation. or maybe it is very simple. but life is messy and i am far from perfect. so when she or anyone else does something to hurt me or make me angry i try to remember that i have made many mistakes and there are people out there that i have hurt. and i heard some one say at a meeting once that it is not up to me to forgive anyone. that is god's job. i'm am not that enlightened but it seems like something to aim for.
Hi Hope , I used to find it very difficult to apologize to people for my crappy behavior , the need to be right was very strong (evn when I knew I was wrong ) stubborn cuss i was . today the word I'm sorry dosen't phase me much apologize and make a commitment to not do it again works for me. sorry over and over again and the behavior dosnet chnge dosen't work for me.
I only need to take care ofme and my relationships be respectful , even if thier not is hard but when I pull it off it sure makes me feel better about me. expecting others treat me as I treat them always is a set up for dissapointment for me especially if they are still drinking .
Don't worry about others behavior focus on your own and you will be okay . Louise
Another thing I learned here is that I never never never apologize for something I Didn't do - used to apologize all the time just to keep things runnin smooth .
I think this subject is quite interesting. I personally have never had many problems apologizing if I feel I need to, even if I think the person I wish to extend the apology to may be 'difficult'. (In that instance I really am saying it for me, if they choose not to accept it or try to give me a hard time, I at least know I have done the right thing and can walk away with a clear conscience.)
However, I have always been unable to apologize if I don't believe I have played a part or am 'in the wrong' in some way. It sounds dramatic but my entire being rejects it; my head won't formulate the words, my heart surely doesn't feel it and any sounds I try to utter literally get stuck in my throat! Strange but true.
There have been times when I've apologized for something I feel partially responsible for and I own my part in it. There have even been occasions when I've said something to the effect of "I'm not sorry for what I've said/done but I am sorry for how I said it, the timing of it or the manner in which I did it."
Steps 8 and 9 were a Godsend to me as they help me to clarify my position, take appropriate action and have peace with my choices. Today, making an amends can be without a direct apology or so much more than 'just' an apology. For me, if I'm truly sorry it usually involves a change of thinking or behaviour on my part. I found that I was very damaged by the empty apologies (and promises) of my A as I knew that although he may've been genuinely sorry, apologies would change nothing and I came to resent them bitterly.
To this day I don't recall ever hearing my Dad say sorry to anyone for anything. Recently, I saw an acknowledgment of his part in the damage caused to our family. I recognised that before Al-Anon I not only needed to hear this but also felt it should be said and done in my way and my time etc! Tut, tut, how controlling is that?! When I heard his acknowledment I had grown sufficiently to realise he is doing the best he can with what he has and though it fails to meet my needs, it is 'his truth' expressed according to his belief, understanding and experience. I had a lot of issues around our relationship and lack thereof but Al-Anon helped me to put them in perspective by working them through in my HP's time.
I also have an uncle (not an A) who seemed proud of the fact he never says 'Thank You'. That was even stranger to me than not apologizing! I now believe that it is their issues. I feel I would lose so much if I were unable to express my gratitude or remorse. It would prevent me from being able to learn and grow. I cannot know what is going on in someone-else's head or why they think or behave the way they do. I may try to understand it and this understanding may even help to a degree but there is a Zen proverb that says "If we understand, things are as they are. If we do not understand, things are as they are." I love this, it reminds me of my powerlessness and the need to keep the focus on myself.
As long as I'm doing what I can to keep my side of the street clean it frees me from getting embroiled in others thinking and prevents me from giving my power to them. If I believe someone has wronged me and feel I deserve an apology, that's ok, it shows self-respect and self-esteem. If I allow myself to be hurt because amends are not forthcoming or if I have expectations about the way it should be done then that's not ok for me as 'expectation is a pre-meditated resentment'. Resentment damages me. While I'm focusing on someone-else's behaviour or the reasons behind it I can fall into a need to control and I allow their actions to influence me. Well, these are my thoughts on the matter, hope they help.
I used to apologize for everything and anything. Until I started to get a bit healthier. I gave all ''my power away''.
I seem less tolerant of folks that will rarely apologize if ever. My STBX A husband was one of these types. Apologized one time in 28 years of marriage. That time was when he wanted to move back home after he broke up with his live in girlfriend 9 years ago. Now I feel the apology was simply used to move back in and save him rent money. What a way to keep all the power in the relationship never apologize.
I've opened my eyes to why I may have picked my STBX in the first place. My family is of the same mind set. They have a great deal of difficulty with apologies. They avoid direct answers to questions.
My Mom has never accepted that I'm 20 #'s over wt. Even went so far as to tell me MEN DO NOT LIKE OVER WT. WOMEN. So in other words my STBX and I are not together because of my wt. It has nothing to do with his drinking and everything to do with my wt. I asked her why she can not accept me in the package I come in? I asked if you pour orange juice in another container is it not still orange juice? Why am I not loveable to you as I am? Her response was well your Father did not like heavy women. I asked what does what he likes or not have anything to do with what you like or my STBX likes. They seem to have such a knack for twisting things. Then I said it is you who can not accept me as I am. So the next big insult was , saying to me your imagining things. So now I'm insane and my feelings and hearing what I'm hearing are in my imagination! When she says things like that I feel as though I do not even exist she is denying my feelings, as if what I say means nothing it, is in my imagination. I think the twisting this and saying it is my imagination is her way of denial. As long as she can deny it she does not have to own it. Therefore no need for an apology, power maintained.
x Maria X