The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I lived with a man who was an alcoholic for five years. During that time we had a son together. The "A" hated me for a long time for getting pregnant. He then told me once I had "earned" back his trust he would marry me. I could never earn his trust. I was always making him angry. In fact at times his anger was so horrible, I prayed to die. I stood by him when he was suspended by his work for drug use and while he was in rehab. He cont.d to drink the entire time he was in rehab. His councelor stated that he would know if my "A" was using, but he never did. His work finally let him go back to work, and at first, he would only drink on the weekend, but eventually he went back to drinking heavily all the time he wasn't at work. I could do nothing right. About a year ago, I discovered he was cheating on me. He was drinking so heavily that he was convinced I was trying to "destroy him". To this day I have no clue what that meant. I only know one thing: I lived for that man. I worked forty plus hours per week, raised our son, plus my two daughters from a previous marriage, and his daughter from a previous marriage, cared for our home (which I owned and let him move into), and made sure each time he came home from work that supper was on the table. The day he didn't come home and stayed the night with another woman, I packed all of his belongings and threw him out of MY home.
So you are probably wondering why I'm telling you this....well, for the last month or so he's back to being cruel to me. He speaks to me in horrible tones and has nothing nice to say. I allow him to see our son....while praying the entire time my son is with the "A".
Yesterday and today have been very hard. I know that he gets in these moods, he knows I've moved on, and I've stood up to him. But for the last two days it has taken my HP and all the courage and strength I've had to not call him on the phone and apologize for whatever I've done to upset him. I've not called. I'm not going to call. That's why I'm here. I know that I can't fix this. He won't change unless he wants to change. It's not my problem. But ...his anger still scares me. His cruelity was beyond anything I've ever experienced. And my dad used to beat my mom when he was drunk. My former "A" never hit me, but his anger and ignoring me for weeks at a time was worse for me.
So...i'm out here....hanging on...trying to work the program...trying not to say I'm sorry for something that is beyond my control.
Katrina, I'm so glad you have found the MIP website. Your story sounds familiar to many of us here. Something inside of you knows you deserve better than this. Thank your HP for that. You do not have to be strong alone. Find a face to face meeting. At my regular meeting, children are often present at the meeting, so find one that is "child friendly." Get a list of phone numbers and use them - there is something powerful about calling someone who can help you. Find a sponsor, and work the steps with that person. Working the 12 steps have worked miracles for me, I could not be living the life I am today without them. As we say: It works, if you work it! Just working the Steps will turn your focus to yourself. You will want to keep working them. Blessings and prayer for you, mebjk
It is not you fault what he chose to do with his life. Hopfully that you understand. Its a good chance he has misguided anger (and no telling what else, guilt, etc.) and that is his responsibility to fix. I hear your fear big time. You had a right to protect yourself, whether he likes it or not. There are alot of things you can try to help yourself. Coming here and f2f mtgs is one. Do you have friends and family you can alert to whats happening ? Are there any battered womens places you can call and get advice on the protections available in your area so you will know the tools you can use if you need them if the time comes. That will help eliminate some of the stress. If you feel you need more, call and check on protective orders and other organizations in your area to get tips on what local for you to use. You can always call 911. Having the knowledge of these things can be reassuring in alot of ways as they are not unknowns anymore and you will have a plan for yourself.
I'll say some prayers for you. Take the bull by the horns and try not to live in fear with what ever you can use to back yourself up with. Take what you need and leave the rest
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
This what helped me, It is the disease that treated me bad, it was the disease I hated so much.
It does not deserve an apology. I separte the A from the disease. I picture the disease totally separate from the person I loved.
If it was cancer making your A act like that, would you want to apologize to it? It is ok to hate the disease but care for the human being tortured by it.
Besides you haved done so many wonderful things for this person. He knows that inside. He would and does have more respect for you when you stand up for you.
Not all A's are nice people you know? It does not descriminate. Aism hits kind people, mean people, kids, teens gmas and gpas, honest people
I got to be with my A when he was on his program. I saw a man who would stop and help someone in need, a man who treated me like a lady and was there for me. He laughed and was funny.
I knew him when he was a kid and when he got drafted. So I knew he was a nice person.
But I knew others who were not nice people who ended up showing their true Aism when they got older.
I guess I am trying to say, just becuz this man is an A, does not mean there is a nice person inside.
Apologies might be taken as you are weak.
So this is why we take care of us. We decide what would make us feel better. There is no analizying anything. What I have done is keep a jounal where I write to him. Write to him like he might care you know?
I believe I loved, how I loved him. It was not how he loved me. I see you loved how you were there, you kept a nice home, you cooked. Love that about yourself, who cares if he appreciated it or not. You are a cool person..
You are not alone. The day I was able to say to my A, "You know, I'll never be sorry enough for you." Was the day I finally understood, It just wasn't me that was the problem. And my being sorry wasn't going to fix anything, it was only destroying me.
I'm glad to have read your post, things here have been smooth, but I've been a little out of sorts. The reason is I'm waiting for something I've done to set the A off ... I guess you could say I'm in the "getting ready to be sorry" mode. lol This disease is insane.
Thank you for the reminder. It's just not all about me and what I do....like I have that much control. I had someone tell me that an A can be pissed at about anything, including mailing a letter, they have to fold it, seal it, address it and watch out if the discover they don't have any stamps. lol ... I hope you find the strength not to call. Just keep telling yourself, "It's not about me"
I agree with what mebjk wrote~ ... "As we say: It works, if you work it! Just working the Steps will turn your focusto yourself. You will want to keep working them."...
So Work IT because Your Worth IT! So glad your here. Keep Looking uP! ((BigHuG)))
Take the bull by the horns and try not to live in fear with what ever you can use to back yourself up with. Take what you need and leave the rest
with what mebjk wrote~ ... "As we say: It works, if you work it! Just working the Steps will turn your focus to yourself. You will want to keep working them."...
Your Worth IT! So glad your here. 
Keep Looking uP! 
((Big
HuG)))