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I am wondering if anyone else feels the same way. I feel like an outsider, like I don't belong. My husband has his drinking buddies close by, one is next door, lucky me. lol. The wife is an A too, we have NOTHING in common. His other buddy has a non-alcoholic wife, we have a lot in common, but she is in denial. So there goes that. lol.
When his daughter & her boyfriend come over, they "hang out" with him. Pretty much ignore me. She hates me. Long story short when she was 7, he lost his custody of her to his parents. He wans't able to see her, well, he was given visitation rights, but his mother made it near impossible for ANY ONE to see her.
We moved from NY to Fl in 1992, the year this happened. Moved back to NY in 1995, then they (parents & his daughter) moved to Fl. I know for a fact the mother was telling her things about me, like that I was mean, the girl said so.
Example: before we moved to Fla., he didn't loose custody yet, but let her live with his parents, he moved into apt. (big mistake!) Any way, he brought her to my work place @ my dinner break, I offered to share my soda with her & she said "gee Debbie, your nice, my grandma says your mean." I will NEVER forget it. He knew that yet did NOTHING to stop them from getting custody.
So with this in mind, the grandparents raised her, they HATED me!!! She left them in Fl & moved back to NY when she was 17, she just turned 21 this past Feb. She won't talk to me. She comes here & hangs out with him & even goes over drinking buddies house with him. One day, there was several couples there, all A's, the gave her a beer, this was before she was 21. I walked over, she saw me & grinned, took a swig of beer, then turned her back on me!
I can't stand her. My A is like,, she likes you, blah, blah, blah.
I feel like an outsider, they are all "friends". None of my friends drink. They don't alll live close either. Some do. But when you are married is it, you have your friends & I have mine, we live seperate lives, share a house, but live like "housemates?"
When you are married to an A, it's like being single only without the benfit of being able to date! At least when you are single, you have the chance to meet other people, to go out with members of the opposite sex, to have fun. don't get me wrong, I still have fun with my friends, BUT, what's the point in being married?????? If you always do stuff with your friends.
I am not saying I want him up my butt 24/7, no, I dated guys that were like that, got rid of them quick!!! LOL! The thing I liked about him was that he was not like that. But he has gone to the opposite extreme!!!!!!!!!!!!!So here we live, together, but not!!!
I always felt like an outsider with my husbands friends, they all drank way more than I liked and I felt like they were forcing themselves to be nice to me. They were all against us getting married, I was too young and had twin boys. This was before I knew just how bad he drank! He never binged while we were dating, but he hung out with these people, boy that should have been a clue, doh!
I haven't seen any of them since we seperated, so I have no clue what they will say to me and I do not care, because I never considered them my friends anyway.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
The longer I live, the more I find this to be a common scenario with A's. And I too always felt and was the outsider, among other descriptives. It seems they have a "silent, unspoken, visual" validation between them that makes it easier for them to co-exist with each other. In trying to define myself, I also felt I had to give them a description too, so the reatity of it all together would make sense. Seems to me if they "see" each other with whatever "brew" they have in their hand or nearby, it seems to be their own confirmation of a common bond or acceptance of each other that doesn't need "words" to "it" for them to understand each other and the things they do together that don't require "meanings" to be attached to the words to do their kind of fellowship together..Sometimes I visualize that they all get the bottle, can, whatever, glass and start on a trip. Sometimes I replace the can, etc in my imagination with a space ship they all board and go to outer space in, Only their body stays on the ground. Seems that spiritually they take a trip to a different planet and the ride is easier if they have others to do it with that are like themselves so its more fun and real to them. I, myself have never wanted to go to space on that kind of ride so I was always left behind, and gladly so, as I go to other planets and remember my trip when I come back. Beings it seems they dont, there is no need it seems for them to want to be reminded of the trip as they dont remember most of the details anyway and are glad to be around others with the same values and likenesses so they can continue on and not worry about being alone on their trip. I guess we all have our own jurne and to them it seems of no importance to do the meaning and memory thing like me. So, I thought, I want to have good ones to be able to store that felt good, were the kinds I wanted to have. I would rather be the outsider than to take trips like them.
When I took the trip away from them and found myself after I was 35 or so, I loved developing my artistic side that I wasn't allowed to be when I was young and found a whole new way of doing and seeing in life. I very much enjoyed the new adventures along the way even so I was alone/without partner or family to share with, I knew and felt and became "ME". And started to meet others that were doing the same in away I never knew possible b4. Had I not closed the door on the others , I wouldn't have had doors open to the ones I was to meet. And so glad to have the validation for myself of who I am in relationship to others.
Now that a disaster has happened and I am around them again after only 1-2 contacts over the last 10-12 yrs, I can see I never, ever want to be in the clutches of their kind of environment again. Its sort of like to me to be sucked down into their deep dark hole of despair, and no way to swim out, but to leave them again as they dont want to budge from their type of stagnant lifestyle. Seeing the grandkids is the hardest of all to leave. I have so much sadness and pain for seeing them, and what they are going to have to go thru. It makes me want to say, I want to be in denial so I dont have to feel for them the agony and horrors of what its like to be in that kind of life again. I wish I could save them. But I know they are not mine, and their parents (so-called) remind me of this. I am powerless and helpless and not allowed to share my love with my grandkids. They are powerless too, and look at me from behind their blank-looked little frightened faces as they shut the door on me as their mom tells them too.
To see it again, happening to my grandkids, I want to run away as far as I can and not look back. Am I doing the "right thing"??? Who knows !!! I ask HP for guidance as I can do nothing to stop history from repeating itself............................
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Oh my gosh, you explained it sooo well!! It is just like they have their own language,live on their own planet!!!! I too feel sucked down into it!!! I also feel they are just nice to me because they are friends with my A hubby. I have noticed over the last 10 yrs of living here, that I spend less time with them.
Another thing is he will always stick up for the other A's, never for me!! He says he does, but I have NEVER heard it.
He is crabby now because he hasn't drank since Wednes. & it's Sat. he will be hitting the bottle soon. His "buddies" are not home, one is going out to dinner, the other must be busy with one of his many hobbies, or his wife has him tied up running around with her somewhere. She lives away all week, so they only have the weekends to get stuff done.
So, he's keeping himself busy working around here, it's a 1st in a long time. Ask him though & he'll tell you "I do a lot around here, you just don't see it." "It" must be invisible lol.
Now he's mowing the lawn, a chore I absolutely love to do, but I told him I am NOT doing any work around this yard, it is full of limbs. palets, wood, deep tractor ruts, rebar for the steel garage that has been sitting since 1999, holes from various unfinished projects.
Then he says I want a perfect yard, I say no, I want a clutter free yard!!! So I REFUSE to do it until the day when he can have all his sh... picked up!!
You are lucky to be away from it. I too have grandchildren I am not allowed to see. According to the mother & maternal grandmother. Again, nothing I can do. Take them to court, but that would open up a big mess!
So glad your here! Your a wonderful loving person. You know what you have to do. *** Work them steps, use the tools of the program. WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT!!!! Keep looking UP! (((horselover)))
(((horselover)))) I swear we must be related. I too stuggle with my A being around his friends all the time, we can't even hardly go out to eat without them!
He is always ready and willing to do their beck and call, but around here,,,,,,It's called "nagging">
I, too, LOVE to mow the yard. And all I have is a push mower, but I love to cut the grass, it is a de-stresser for me, somehow. Cutting off all that innocent grass,,,LOL
Hang in there, you are doing great. Hope to see you in chat again, don't have as much time as I used to, seems like.
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WORK IT WORK IT!!!! Keep looking UP! (((horselover))) 