The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am hopeful today. I think my Active A has finally hit rock bottom. I will belive it when she get beyond one month sober. Thursday was a double whammy day for me. I worked from noon till 6:30pm & the dry drunk I sit with was arrogant, rude, mean & scary all day long. I am suppose to change his clothes if he gets them wet with pee, feed him, clean , etc. He was so full of himself. He told me to go home. Well, It hit me from the past. He was just like my father who I have not spoke to since 1992.
It is something how a person/ parent/ loved one etc can be a rude, SOB , arrogant, hateful, & mean etc all their lives, never say anything encouraging or even say I love you. oh well they can be nice if they need to but those closest catch all the anger & irrational behavior. they can make you feel lower than a pregnanted ant but if a person calls or comes by they change thier tune & act sickly sweet as if nothing ever happened. But when they get up in age or their health is failing. Then somehow family/ loved ones etc. are expected to treat this person with dignity & respect & this person never say I am sorry for my behavior or is even aware they were not a nice person to everyone. I just do not get it. Who says they have earned that? Why do they get to be treated like a decent human being?
I made a decision when I was in my teens not to be a parent. I did not want my children to experience the pain & hurt I have. I feel children are a gift from god. I know people who have children so they will have someone to take care of them when they are old.
My father never drank or did drugs that I am aware the 32 years I knew him. But his behavior was that of one. So I was all emotional and crying on Thursday becasue of this dry drunks behavior. I was a wreck. M Active A got a neighbor to come pick me up, she was drunk herself & our truck is not running now.
It is fixable hopefully today. the dirt roads we live on caused the screws to the carborator to come out. one screw took a chunk out of the fan blade. I called a new ( less than a year ) friend and asked for help when I did get home. I did not try & talk about My Active A drinking problem. This friend knew. She is pissed at her behavior & wants to let her have it. She has been called several times when I was not here. My A was drunk and did not remember a thing.
Well, My boss is best friends with this new friend. I jsut started working the end of March. I did not want to tell her I live with an alcoholic. I did not till she asked. She is going to ask the adult children of this dry drunk if my A can have his prescription for anabuse ( the drug to help you stop drinking) He quit in Jan 06. He has one more bottle. I know several will say she should get her own . well here is the problem with that. we live on one ss disabiltiy check. If ss finds out she is an alcoholic thereis a chance that she will lose that check and we will not have her income we so desperately need. We have freind who is a pharmacist, we will see if there is any drug interactions with what she takes now anyway.
I have been depressed for a long long time. I am waiting for my days to be over. I still at almost 46 do not know why I am here. I suppose my HP has a plan for me. I wish I would know what that was now.
I am crossing my fingers. I was thinking I was all alone & this voice told me I can depend on myself & my hp & those that are sent to me to help. My A and I have had a good morning so far, it is 10:20am . she has said she wants help.
Dear hmrn, I am so glad you have found Alanon. When I first came to Alanon, I had no idea how to take care of myself. My focus was always on what the others out there were doing, trying to figure them out. That was how I lived. In Alanon I learned to focus on myself, to take care of myself. I can hear that beginning to happen in your post! Keep coming back! The best experience strength and hope I can offer you is to go to meetings, find a sponsor, and work the Steps. Your life will really change is you work the steps. The Steps are the heart of the Program. Keep coming back, it works, if you work it! Blessings and prayers for you, mebjk
I did a lot of things in the name of helping the A, paid bills, did things that were supposed to be helpful that I had a lot of reasons to do them for that got me in lots of trouble. Since I have been in al-anon I have learned not to "offer". I think that concept is very very difficult when I was being codependent and overly helpful (so helpful it was killing me and doing nothing for the a). I have had to work overtime not to do anything and focus on me.
I know for me it was incredibly difficult to focus on me and my needs, my issues when a) I was poor b) we lived in chaos and c) I didn't have any concept of balance because I had no idea how to meet my needs. I was and still can be like Mebjk was not having a clue how to meet my needs. I did not have an idea that I could not do anything constructive about the a's drinking/using/acting out till I could take care of myself. And when I do take care of myself I am more and more aware of how powerless I am over the A's using and behavior. Nevertheless the fact that i do take most of my time on my needs and set limits the chaos I experience with the A does get better or worse (depending on where the A's disease process is).
I think the idea of not helping the A and not being sympathetic to how difficult life was for him was anathema for me for a a long long time. My very identity was in rescuing and on many many levels re-staging the abuse I suffered as a child.
I am glad that you are here in al-anon I hope you find lots of space and vision in this program. I have.
