Hi flintfeet,

I am so sorry the way you feel about your dad. I know it is hard to understand why he cant be the wonderful dad you had when you were younger. And I understand about how those good times get harder to remember.

For myself, my dad is/was an alcoholic, though he has been sober for over 20 years now. He did this without a program though and still manifest some of those old behaviors that he had when he was drinking. He has gotten a lot more mellow with age however.

I had gotten to a point where I didnt remember those good times. I could only remember the disappointments. And there were so many. I remember the arguments, the yelling....the drunkeness and how this would turn my brilliant dad into a nausating lump that I couldnt stand to be around.

I completely forgot all the wonderful things he used to do for me and my brother. Taking us fishing, getting us a pony, taking us hunting.....even the times he would come home drunk from the bars, he would often bring a big ole jug of Dad's Rootbeer for me and my brother. I remember how great I thought that was , Dad's Rootbeer from my Dad. I remembered how much I loved him back then, and was so proud of him, for no other reason than because he was my dad.

Over the years as I got older I built up so many resentments towards him. Today, I am in recovery, and have been in alanon for two years now. As I said my dad is sober for 20 yrs and is not the man he once was. He is generally a kind, caring person towards me...even if he still tries to control me sometimes... I know and understand now that he does this out of love for me. And I know that, even though he has never told me this, he is proud of me. (this i know from people he has told this who have in turn told me). The thing is though, I still find it very hard to be around him at times. Sometimes I am fine, and the next time I will brace up when he walks into the room, as if I am expecting him to hurt me somehow. And this makes me tend to be cold towards him sometimes, and he doesnt deserve it. And it makes me feel bad afterwards. I have to forgive him. I have to forgive him for me.

I guess what I am trying to say here flint is this..you dont know for sure where you dad is headed. And even if he isnt the man he used to be, he still loves you, even if he cant show it.

Try to hold on to those good memories you have, they are real. Just as real as my daddy holding me up in a crowd at a parade so that I could see.

And one last think, my dad was never the digusting lump I sometimes thought he was.....he was just sick. Doesnt excuse the behavior, but it helps me so much to seperate my daddy from his sickness.

Yours in Recovery,
David

I hate to hear people say they r cutting of ties with a parent.  That time cannot be gotten back.  The memories are gone forever.

This is where the art of dettachment comes in.  You love your father, but you do not love his actions.  Please read up on dettachment, and how to do it with love.  There are boundaries that can be set in regards to seeing your father.  You can read up on doing this also.

Good Luck.

Josey

Hi to all,

You know, there are no ought too's or have to's in my opinion. Not all of us walk in the same shoes , and it seems some think they know what others ought to do . None of us know everything. And I don't believe that there is a cure-all program that attends to all issues, circumstances, and experiences. I am glad AlAnon offers tools to improve life. It doesn't guarantee all will be fixed if you work it, that I am aware of.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional so-called family. Most of my young yrs are memory gaps that last most of my 1st 12 yrs of life. My earliest memory is my dad (adoptive not know to me then) sitting on top my mom with a butcher knife and her calling for me to call the police and him threatening me to get me if I did.  When you are 2-4 yrs old, I cant figure out how I was supposed to of detached and make approapriate boundaries at that age. A child depends on these parents to survive. They dont just run tell someone thats not there what happened. And the older ones of us here didn't have the protections that are in place today for children and ahd to live like that and protect ourselves the best we could. The main so-called good memories I have are on xmas day. I was always told they made up for what they didnt do all year on 1 day of the yr and paid for it all yr long with resentments that overflowed as guilt trips on the kids. I have always and to this day been blamed for the sexual abuse done by most of the males by an A-mom that got it too and SHOULD understand it didnt work like that. As a child I had no control or responsibility for them doing that to me and she SHOULD know that as an adult and still doesn't at 72 and still throws it in my face as my fault and I am 52 now. She successfully manipulated my A-bros(2 left) and A-dau under her wing to continually empower herself with the same beliefs of herself that are extremely destuctive and they at a young age bought the whole thing and lived that way. I buried the A-bro just after he turned 40 by myself in 97 while A-mom sent the others to retrieve his material possessions she believed to be hers and he left to his mom of his dream world. Never once having her affections.

When I got to be a teenager (alot left out here) I went to AlAnon and AlAteen and churches to get HP on my side to help. I in my young state of mind interpreted as well as I could , Which didn't offer me much control over my situation and in some ways made it worse. I heard turn the other cheek stuff and forgive and forget. To not tolerate inapproapriate behavior I would of ha to have a way to leave and support myself and was too young so that wasn't a viable opportunity. So I had to continue to live with it back then. It was taboo to talk about as you werent supposed to damage the providers of the family.

To try to shorten this and still get something across, after yrs of adjusting to it, it starts to come out in the open about the damage keeping this stuff in a closet does to those that made it thru and survived. Now to have to re-arrange the brains to speak of it, the damages that were done, brainwashings and all, in a positive way to not insult those that are trying to live a positive lifestyle that dont want to hear of negativity. Well this isnt the only reason, but if reality was a negativity then what ??? How are we to brain wash ourselves into putting that kind of stuff in a positive description to try to get some healing. It seems to get a bit confusing to fit this kind of experience into other peoples perception of life that did not experience the same or simular things.

What works for some may not help others. To make that assumption can be just as damaging. We are all supposed to have our own perception and not be shot down for having it because it doesn't fit in someone elses. Haven't figured out how to change that delima yet.

I would LOVE to paint a pretty picture of my past for todays memories, but not reality of the past.  I left the situation 10 yrs ago to keep my sanity and stop the abuse from the A-s. I learned alot while separated from them and 12 step programs helped me thru some and gave me skills I didn't have then. At a much later age in life. Cant go back and re-do all the yrs and replace them . I tried to improve on life and was getting somewhere i thought for about 10 yrs and a disaster caused me to be dropped off in the same town by someone else with no means of my own to escape it. The A-s are here. Evenso I have more tools in my belt, they are no differet than b4. They still inflict damages like always only I can deal with it differently now. I know to not expect affection and loving behavior from them so I can somewhat protect myself. I learned to give up the defenses I used to use to protect myself with b4, so some of it isnt as easy to protect from anymore as I am more open to experience life and now have to guard again. Not so easy to go backwards after coming so far. 

So for some of us , its hard to learn to implant tools the same way as others can that may have not experienced the extent of damage that some others do. So we all have our own path to healing and doing the steps maybe not at the same pace as others or at the same/simular chronilogical age .

Live and Let Live     Take your own inventory   Listen and Learn

We all have our own path to deal with , with HP. My jurne is different than yours and may not need the same things as you or others. I tried the detach and boundaries and tried to accept them back, and that didn't stop the physical attack on me that sent me back to the ER last week. So I am readjusting them to cut them off from me. Hopefully HP will lead me away from them.

I am here for support, guidance,comfort , because I also was affected by alcoholism besides the other things.And hopfully to share some back.

BLESSINGS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>TO>>>>>RECOVERY and all

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-- Edited by d53sjurne at 00:21, 2006-04-29

-- Edited by d53sjurne at 00:45, 2006-04-29

I personally feel your very lucky that you have some good memories from your childhood, most children of alcoholics don't . this is a disease and it is progressive it takes the person we knew and turns them into someone we don't recognize. We tend to take the drinking personally , but it really has nothing to do with us. It affects us but there is nothing we can do about them. they will stop when they are ready and not before.

I hope u will try al-anon for yourself u will learn about the disease in our program  = and help to get rid of some of the resentment your carrying. It is not easy to love an alcoholic  we just don't understand .   Just love him and accept that u cannot help someone who dosent want help. yet!