first timer...please repond...desperate - Al-Anon Family Group

jennneeefffurrr · Senior Member

first timer...please repond...desperate

hudsond · ~*Service Worker*~

((((jenn))))

The pain you are going through is so intense!! I am so sorry you are feeling that pain. If only we could help them "wake-up" and see. Has he ever been in recovery? My suggestion to you is reading Getting Them Sober. You can also go to the Getting Them Sober website: www.gettingthemsober.com. This may have some helpful info for you. You should keep coming back, get to some face to face al-anon meetings if you can. There are many wise and wonderful people here. We by no means will tell you how to live your life. We share our stories, what we did, how we live life, we share our struggles and our accomplishments. We listen, we cry, we talk. Coming here is a great step!!

I wish you some peace today! Read others' posts, take some deep breaths, do something nice for you today!

I'll pray for you.

Dawn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! This site has been a lifesaver for me. Also, going to f2f meetings and reading the literature and books. Learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. My AH says that he is the disease and you can't separate the two. The disease effects us all. So Alanon is for the families and friends of alcoholics. What happened for me is that the more he addicted (not just alcohol) the sicker I became. He became my addiction and my concern. And this makes our relationship a co-addicted one.

In this Alanon program, they tell us to focus on ourselves and get into recovery. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. It is complex but there is hope as evidenced by this site and in meetings. Keep coming back. Take good care of yourself.

In support,

Nancy

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jen,

Him loving you and the alcoholism are two seperate issues. I have been married almost 19 years to an alcoholic. I have never for one mnute doubted his love for me.

Unfortunately, when they are in active addiction, the only thing that will ever come first to them is the alcohol or whatever drug of choice it is.

This disease does not care who they love or who they hurt. If you are going to stay get use to being lonely and sharing your man with the bottle. Although as I said, I never doubted the love, just got tired of sharing my hub with the alcohol, eventually the alcohol takes full control and it all changes.

Don't mean to be harsh but this is how it is.

Best Wishes,
Andrea

Monica · Member

Jennifer,

Please consider getting some counseling for this! It seems to me that your having some

self-esteem issues, or you might be able to see that you are worth so much more than

this. I completely understand, because I to was once addicted to the love of an alcoholic.

I met the alcoholic in my life at a very young age, and didn't have very good self-esteem.

What a trap to fall into! I married this man, had two beautiful girls, and finally realized

ten years later, that he is not capable of loving me the way I want and deserve to be

loved. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with loving an alcoholic, but if you truly

are unhappy 70% of the time,that is no way to be living. I went to counseling by myself,

did an intervention on my husbands drinking, and then attended couples counseling with

him, but he just doesn't want recovery, so I left him. He has lost his wife and two beautiful

daughters, and he still doesn't consider his drinking to be a problem. Some people never get

it, the promises are made so that you will keep hanging on and not leave, believe me, I've

heard them all. There comes a time where you have got to love yourself enough to do

something about this. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! It's been a rough road leaving a ten year

marriage, but I leave knowing that in the future I will have a relationship someday with

someone that will be filled with mutual respect, no verbal abuse, and definately no addictions.

The thought of this is very exciting, because I finally know and believe that I deserve it

I wish I could somehow be there to help get you on the path I'm now on, but maybe reading

this will help alittle.

Best of luck! Let me know if I can help in any other way!

I'm here for ya,

Monica

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Makes me so sad you are going thru this. It is horrible.

Alanon helps in that it teaches us how to take care of ourselves. Helps us to accept the A as is. We cannot change them anyway.

I do relate to the loving them. Loved mine for many many years unconditionally. Sadly the disease gets worse and that person you love is eaten away to nothing.

The disease pulls you in too, lying to friends, being alone all the time, putting up with its bs.

Alanon will teach you to put up boundaries. Help you to make decisions. Do I really want to live like this?

It is hard to face they are very, very sick and will get worse. Just stopping drinking is not going to help. It is so much more than that.

"Getting Them Sober" is a great book. You can find it at used bookstores and online.

Keep coming back. love,debilyn

jennneeefffurrr · Senior Member

ty everyone for the responses...

I have acclamated myself to not get angry with him while he is drinking. What good does it do? It just drags me down and the result is him getting defensive and not caring, which only pisses me off and makes me feel even more like a nothing.

I dont even cry anymore over him. I cant. There arent any tears left. I am numb with anger and insecurity most days...like today, and yesterday and Tuesday and Sunday morning.

It helps to tt people who UNDERSTAND and dont judge just are available.

I attended one Al Anon meeting, I did not feel I belonged. There A's were abusive, addicted to everything under the sun, and way worse off than me and my A. I tried to ask a lot of questions, I was nodded at alot. I live in a small town, and there is ONE Al Anon meeting here, and that is it. I really did not feel warmth or welcome there and felt, especially from one in particular (there were only 5 people there) that my situation was petty and meaningless.

I love this man, completely, I even love his shortcomings, would I change him if I could and remove the addiction from his wonderful heart, but I KNOW I cannot and nothing will change the fact that he is an alocholic. I cannot control him or the disease and trying to control just brings me down further. I have hope, love and support to offer him, and I know that means nothing if he chooses this false life.

I am so depressed, feeling very stupid for choosing this BS life, and yet I would not leave him if someone held a gun to my head.

OH my it is terrible.

Jen

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Jennneeeeffurrr, the pain you feel is so graphically displayed in your post. I am sorry you are going through this tough experience.

There are those who will tell you that beginning the Al Anon program, and seeing it through as a part of your way of life will eventually make your life serene even if you stay with the A. No doubt these people are right. But, on the other hand, you are not married to him. Why do you allow yourself to remain in such a desperate situation? SOmetimes loving a person just isn't enough when we consider the kind of life we may be letting ourselves in for. Please, please, think long and hard, and do your thinking about YOU, not him.

Until he decides that he has hit his bottom and wants help as badly as you want it for him, nothing will change. Alcoholics drink; they behave badly; they hurt those who love them; they are selfish; they are sneaky. The list of adjectives to describe an alcoholic is endless! You deserve so much more than that. Life is too short not to spend it as joyfully as possible. There is someone out there who will love you with peace, loyalty, generosity, and kindness. Please think about reaching out to allow that person to come into your life.

Keep coming back here where you will find people who understand and care deeply. There will be differing opinions among us, but all of us have your well-being in mind.

Holding you in my prayers with great care and concern, Diva

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Jen,

Welcome, I'm glad you are here.

Jennifer

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

You have already made the 1st step in your recovery by coming here. There are a great bunch of people here who really do understand what you're going through.

I have been with my A for nearly 10 years now, and have been through a lot with him. (even physical violence). When I see a post like yours, I just want to scream HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!!! But... it ain't that easy, as you already know!

My A is a wonderful man with a horrible disease, and even though the disease has treated me horribly at times, I can't turn the love off, no matter how hard I have tried, and tried and tried...

My life started to turn around when I found Al-anon. I learned to 'Detach with love' and to start looking after me (what a novel idea!). I started doing things I enjoy, with or without him, and even got to the point that I didn't really care if he drank or not. (I really was there, but think I would blow up if he started drinking again today!) There's an area where I need work!!

It's funny, once I started doing things without him, he stopped drinking so much, and things started getting better. Maybe he thought I would find some-one else?? I don't know.

I laid down a boundary after a particular time, that he was to be no-where near me when he was under the influence! I have held to that boundary with every ounce of my being. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and can be dangerous to the people who love the A!!!!

Now, at this time, the Hell years seem to be over, but I live with the realization that he could pick up the bottle at any time. I hope and pray that it won't happen, but the knowledge is always there. He is also a workaholic, and he drives himself, and me, pretty hard at times. Those are the times that I know he is really fighting the disease and trying not to think about alcohol. He is going through that right now, as summer is coming, and that is his hardest time for him to stay away from it. He always used to go to his cottage every summer and drink. That's where we met as a matter of fact. Boy!! Did I learn some things about A-ism!!! I had never known an alcoholic before that!!

You know your man is an A. You still love him. There will be harder times coming and those of us that know that want you to head for the hills, but love is a funny thing... I don't imagine I would have listened to anyone when I first started getting involved with my A, I was falling in love with a wonderful guy, who had a horrible disease.

At this time, on this day, I am very happy with my A. He hasn't been on a binge since last summer, and that was only for a few days. HP has been good to me. Some A's can do it on their own, but I think it is rare. I thank my HP that mine is very stubborn and tries his hardest to do what he puts his mind to.

You have a hard road ahead of you if you decide to stay, I guess you know that already. Coming here is the first step in recovering your own sanity and serenity. Here, you will learn to love yourself. When we are overtaken by their disease, it is called co-dependancy, that is our part of the disease.

Read all the literature you can get your hands on, come here to the on-line meetings if you don't feel compfortable at the one in your community. There are some wonderful people here who have been through it all!! They understand. Best wishes to you, and lots of prayers heading your way, Love in the program, TLC

isabela40 · Senior Member

Hi Jennifer,

Please don't consider people sharing their wisdom and experience with you as considering your feelings petty.

Most people have been or are at where you are now...totally in love with an addict.

Your intense love for your boyfriend is so clear, no one would dream of trivializing it, or your pain. Most of us have been there.

However...many of us who have been there also can't help telling you what we wish someone would have told us...RUN....

Many of us got married and had kids before we got fed up with the abuse...and are really stuck. We have few choices as we will often have to deal with the addict we once loved forever. Even if you get divorced, if you have kids you will see them at graduation, weddings, birth of grandchildren etc.

I agree that the first step would be for you to get counseling. This can help you see matters more clearly.

Being honest and sharing with you our honest thoughts is not trivializing your feelings at all.

We have to wonder...if this guys lies to you, is unreliable, leads you on, stands you up...well...what is SO wonderful about him? What is about this one particular man that makes you feel so much in love? You say he is affectionate...well...that is good, but you can get that from a nice guy too.

I am 43 and have dated a lot and been married twice, still married to husband number 2. I can tell you that men will treat you like you let them. Which means that if you put up with it, still "love" them after standing you up, etc. that tells them that you don't respect yourself and they won't respect you either.

You say he is 'wonderful" except for the disease. Is this a fantasy man in your head? This man is an ALCOHOLIC it is part of who he is, you can't separate the two.

That would be like wanting to buy a house that has water damage, a leaky roof, cracked foundation (this could kill you one day as the house can fall in on itself), and has roaches. You hire an inspector to advise you on buying the house. He gives his report, tells you all that is wrong... advices you to keep looking, that this house is no good. You protest "But I LOVE this house, it is PERFECT, it is the ONLY house for me...It is SO wonderful, except for the water damage, leaky roof, cracked foundation, and roaches.". Can you imagine how ridiculous this would sound? How can you overlook such serious problems? That is how you are sounding with your boyfriend.

The man you love is:

1) an alcoholic

2) neglectful to you

3) unreliable

4) a liar

5) irresponsible

Ok, this is not a portrait of "Mr. Wonderful" in my book.

Maybe he is to you...that is clear...but... then you must be willing to accept who "Mr. Wonderful" really is.

This is your choice...you know what he is like, yet you love him anyway and think he is wonderful...OK...that is what you want for your life...then...why are you complaining? You cannot remove these bad thigns from him, this is WHO HE IS, and you have chosen to love him...so...what is the problem? Love means you accept a person as they are.

Of course you want him to stop being all of these bad thigns...but then who are you in love with? This man IS all of these bad things.

We can't love a fantasy pretend man. You have to take this man with ALL of his faults and say "I see his faults and love him and accept him anyway". That is your choice. You can't say he is wonderful EXCEPT for these things. He is who he is and then you decide if he is wonderful or not.

I am reaching out to you in compassion and sincere concern and empathy. Like I would talk to my own daughter if she were in your shoes. I would tell her the same.

Just because we don't have the magic answer to turn your love into a different person does not mean we don't care.

Remember, you are making choices now that will affect you the rest of your life. If you marry this person, and have children, being an irresponsible, unreliable liar will bother you a WHOLE LOT MORE and you will have the additional guilt of sentencing an innocent child to living with this person.

Read the posts of people married to their alcoholic loves who had children...it is not a pretty site I can tell you. Love fades quickly under such circunstances, and your child is often the one left holding the pieces. You get to divorce and move on, while your children are often forced to spend time with them in their dysfunctional world.

Please think carefully about the man you claim to be so in love with. What does that say about you to him? Think about that, would you respect a guy that you treated like this?

You are in love, and I understand that. Falling in love is actually a biochemical response and it is hard when in that state of brain chemistry to think clearly. That is why people are blatant with you, to try to get you to think through that biochemical fog to reality. That is also why counseling is essential.

I really wish you the best. Please know how much we care, we care enough to be really and truly honest with you, as we want to spare anyone we can the suffering we live with daily with our addicts.

Love,

Isabela

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jennifer...
I'm not going to comment on what you should do about your boyfriend, but I would like to help you otherwise..
You said you went to 1 alanon meeting and felt you didn't fit in because their addicts were worse then yours.
The program is not about any of "them". Alanon will teach you how to cope, how to find a happy life with or without the alcoholic. You don't need to relate to their addicts, you can however relate to the pain and angst that the Alanon group goes through.
Let them offer you help, it's there.
Please try again. It is suggested that you go to 6 meetings before you make a decision. You really can't base anything on a single meeting.
This is what was said to me...

Go to 6 meetings, if you still don't like it, they'll be glad to refund your misery.

Keep coming back..you may want to try our chatroom too :)

Christy

jennneeefffurrr · Senior Member

woah

Isabella really put it out there.

I do know all of these things are true.

When I am not immediately in his presence, I know and feel these things.

I go back and forth with what I should do. Weighing the consequences of "if" I stay, what will my life be? "if" I leave, what will my life be?

I love him, I can love him and support him, but like you said, my children need to be first consideration.

Thank You from the bottom of my heart for such a deep heart felt and honest response

Jen

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Jenn)))) You are in the right place. When I was reading your story, it sounded like me. My husband and I dated for 2.5 years from 1986-1988, then split up for lots of reasons, caused by his drinking. I married someone else, I didn't love. Got divorced. Got a second chance with my now-husband. We have had a situation that olmost cost us our marriage, and he has been mad for a year. He was arrested for prob. violation and is finally forced to go to AA. Normally, that isn't a good idea, but in his case, after a couple of meetings, his anger changed, just vanished. At that time he had left me for 7 weeks. I thought I was going to die, I hurt so much. His anger was eating him alive. And so, he drank more and more.

I used to lie to my friends and family, but I don't anymore. Also, on the flip side, they don't need to know EVERYTHING that goes on in our marriage. But, I've become a lot more honest with myself. I, too, love my A with all my being. But, I have to decide if I want to stay or go. I was gonna suggest "Getting Them Sober" also... there are 4 volumes. I bought mine on E-Bay. Excellent reading, helped me a lot. I strongly urge you to try the alanon meeting a few more times. I also didn't want to go, but finally did. Some meetings are different than others. Will keep you in my prayers.

Love in Recovery,

Becky1

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.