The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It all started yesterday really. I have tried really hard this week to stay busy and not wonder what my a is up to. Things have been going relatively well. He has actually been in pretty good spirits and not overly gouchy for the few days. Of course I notice the fish disappearing from the freezer-never see him carry it out, but it's gone. (It's amazing what he can find to sell to get his hits!!!)
Anyway--not really my point!
I had another blood test Weds.--still everything not o.k., lower, but still not gone, so will have to keep it up. (This last time the lab person must have been having a bad day--the prick hurt so bad I about came out of the seat!!! She left a wonderful welp and big bruise. Hopefully nest time it won't be so bad!)
Thurs.--Met with my attorney who I think I paid good money to. Last year my ex-hub decided to sue me for full custody of the kids. We worked out an agreement--where he gets more time. Well my lawyer was suppose to file the paperwork. We did the agreement in July I think, well at Christmas time the paperwork still isn't filed. He said my ex's lawyer asked him to put off filing it because my ex hadn't paid his attorney (like somehow this is my fault and him holding off filing is helping me out--maybe I'm missing something, but I see that as helping my ex not me). So he says he will let me know. In the meantime I get a letter from my ex's attorney b/c my ex has trouble with somethings I am doing--like not allowing my son to go to boyscouts after he has been a terror at school. That punishment is wrong he says, also I did not let my son play basketball--well my son has asperger's--he can not handle a sport like that--the contact is too much and too close he would spend his time on the bench because he would have ended up hitting a lot of people. I don't see the point in getting my son involved in things where he can't be successful. So I meet with my attorn. yesterday because my ex refuses to let me have the kids in the summer when my sisters are coming to visit--my kids haven't seen their cousins (on my side) in two years, not to mention one of my sisters just had a new baby and they haven't seen him yet. (Now they have seen my ex's several times). In the agreement made he gets the kids for 42 days, I told my lawyer I wanted him to have them in June-July. Granted this still would have cut into the time my sisters were here, but I thought he might try to play nice and be glad to look like he was "sacrificing" to give the time and then just pick up the days after they left. My lawyer failed to inform me that they went to court in January to say "yes, the agreement was made, here is everything, blah, blah, blah)" Well so my ex shows up but I don't. In the final agreement they put in dates--June 15-July 27th. So this works out that I will have the kids for a total of 9 days before I have to go back to work. This is why I became a teacher to have a schedule where I could be off when the kids are off. Actually I will get them from June 1-15, which works out for me only because I decided not to teach summer school, which I normally do, which is why I wanted him to have them in June. I explained all of this to my lawyer, who seems not to have heard a word I said. I was so angry when I left his office I didn't even know what to do. My parents are furious--my mother says it's no big deal it's just a piece of paper. She just seems to ignore the fact that if I don't follow it I could be arrested. She says that's rediculous and it's just not right. She says "don't worry we're christians and it will all work out" we just have to talk to him and it will be o.k.. Which just made me madder!
I have worked my whole life to be nice to people, to not judge, to give them the benefit of the doubt. I am forgiving--too forgiving in many cases. I don't push what I believe on others, I'm happy to tell them what I believe, for the most part I even tell them when I think what they are doing is wrong, without telling them they have to change or do something different--just that I don't agree. I try to be honest, I work hard, I would do anything I could to help out others. I have not always made the best choices, I am not a saint, but I have tried to live right. In spite of that I seem to have a sign on my butt that says "please kick me as hard as you can because I must enjoy it!!!"
I just don't believe anymore that if you are a good person things work out for you. In spite of having an hp. There are too many other things in the mix.
I didn't really talk to my a last night. He got mad--he thinks it's all about my ex--which it isn't! It's about feeling like I actually paid someone to screw me over this time!!! It's about trying really hard to pray and focus on me and not get involved with my a's problem and things still not getting better! It's about getting out of an abusive relationship with a minister only to lose every single friend I had because I was in the wrong. It's about divorcing and evil man and he still gets to mess with my life and the lives of my children because in the eyes of the court he looks really good! It's about trying to hand everything over to my hp and still not knowing what in the world is going on and if I will survive!!!
I hurt so bad today!!! I am so angry!!!! I just want to disappear!!
I have always told people that I believe that life is like a boomerang, what we put out we get back...so I too am a giver, compassionate, generous, loving, honest, loyal and positive.
I dont see too much getting back to me. Life dealing with my A is so depressing and draining. I spend 70% of my time miserable...but I love him, really do love him, so what am I supposed to do.
I pray and ask God to take the addiction from him, I pray for our relationship to strengthen and his eyes to open to what is in front of him. God listens, and it helps to pray, in the end I am feeling alone and like a real fool for choosing this life.
He chooses booze and I choose him. Which of us is the bigger fool? Hard to say.
I need friends so please feel free to send me an email
Life is a crazy cycle of giving and taking. Some of us give and let other people take. One thing u can be thankful for is that you are not living with the alcoholism anymore. Maybe that is what God is giving you. Some peace to live without constant worry.
Stay strong, remain calm. Do the best u can for you and your children and just let him lead you. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes but, he is always with us.
Sent a hug but kind of wishing I could supply a punching bag for the board to work out on today! I hope your next poker is nicer (I get those bruises easy too when they are not gentle) and that your bloodwork results are better next time.
I'm sorry you are feeling tread upon the last few days. Even though it is not really the point I do hope some arrangement can be worked out for the kids to see their cousins. Is there a legal board that licenses lawyers that you could consult to see if your attorney's actions are acceptable practices? I know they aren't to you and wouldn't be to me ... maybe there are some alternatives available if they are not.
No matter what I care and you are a good person who does not deserve bad things happening. All your efforts are going somewhere even if does not feel like it!
Thanks eveybody. I appreciate the support. I am going to look into if what he did was ethical. I wanted to "sue" him--but that was just anger--but if it turns out that I can prove it really unethical (which I think it is) then I am sending a letter to the bar association. Not that one letter will make a difference, but if he doesn't treat others ethically either then after enough complaints maybe something will happen (lawyers and ethical in the same sentence--not something you hear too often is it?)
Anyway!!!!! I just appreciate the support. I hope everyone has a good week.
