The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading notes that, coming in to Alanon, our focus is often consumed with the alcoholic. Recovery depends on our recognizing that the bounds of Step 1 powerlessness include the alcoholic... we cannot stop their compulsion to drink or shape their life to our liking and comfort.
Admitting 'our lives have become unmanageable' is within our ability, we just don't know the steps we need to take to effectively change that.
Reminder: Step 1 'demands' that we surrender attempts to control others, including the alcoholic. Our first responsibility is to get our own life in order, an endeavor that, if earnest, involves our full attention and efforts.
"The First Step suggests a radical change in me - in my way of thinking about the alcoholic and my attitude toward him and his illness. Old destructive habit patterns must be replaced..." - unattributed ---------------------------- I knew I wasn't perfect, but I truly thought that the alcoholic in my life was the problem and I had to 'fix' them and then life would be great.
This thinking still sinks in at times, but the undeniable truth does not change: any adjustments in others I may garner through sheer force of will and personal leverage are temporary at best, often returning in worse form or with additional bad will...and a guaranteed loss of my Serenity. I do not always know what is best for me, I certainly don't for someone else.
If I change my attitude and perception, I can change the world...and I give others the opportunity to change theirs.
Grateful for the wisdom of Alanon
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I was consumed with trying to control my AW when I fist started working my Al-Anon program. I was looking for a way to get her to stop drinking, and hoped I would find the right thing here. It turns out I did, but just not in the way I expected. I slowly let go of trying to control the disease, left her to deal alone with her own negative consequences, and focused on getting my side of the street in order.
I notice today that I still do at times have an urge to protect or control what she is doing, but that is now a sign for me that I need to focus more on myself and what I am doing. Maybe there is some change that I need but am reluctant to make, and instead of focusing on that, I'm looking outwardly at something else to "solve".
I hope everyone makes today a great day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Day All and thank you Paul for your service. I appreciate the shares. I can see how my "sheer force of will" worsens things and strips my AH of his dignity to apply his own solutions. I will pay attention to the signs when I overstep my boundaries. Recently I took over health matters of my AH-demanding a battery of tests-and thankfully he's okay. I was convinced that his symptoms coupled with his complaints were a signal of danger. Thanks for helping me see I have to practice this step daily and focus on myself! Have a great day.
Thank you Paul for your service and ESH today. Thank you also to everyone who shared their ESH as well!
It was such a relief when I learned that trying to convince AH that his drinking was the source of my fear, anxiety, resentment and frustration!! I had no idea that Letting Go and Letting God, because I do not possess the power to control AH, was within my realm and the right thing to do!! I learned that first step here on MIP during my first post. So grateful ever since!!
{{HUGS}} To everyone and wishing you all a very healthy and happy day today!
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 15th of June 2021 08:10:01 AM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
Paul, thanks for this share and the great wisdom. Love your reference to trying to change others through sheer force of will or temporary leverage...I've been doing this for so long. Thanks for being such good company here.
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"The truth will set you free, but it [might] make you miserable first."
Being the "victim" of habitual control is maddening. Yes I am married to a power and control "Nonner" who as myself wakes up and goes for the reading in our literature and maddeningly floods me with suggestions of what to do, how to do it, why to do it and more. I ask myself the question "Was this me before recovery?" I don't like it in the least because it leaves me stupified that I don't know any what, where and why right or wrong for my day. I start to and am ready to defend from the power and control and then it's her habit and she does it without investigating first.
I use my definition of love, "The complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are" to keep me peaceful .... mostly. I am powerless and have a Higher Power. ((((hugs))))
I still have times where I try to control the people in my life,not just the A's. Not as often but it still does happen. Actually sometimes I become obsessed with trying to force what I want on others. It's like I get possessed by a demon or something and it's my way or the highway at the time. Then I come back to my senses and admit I am powerless.
Hopefully with time I will get to where I don't slip as much. All it does is cause more problems anyway. I convince myself I do it out of love and with good intentions. But I logically know that the opposite is more loving.
Interestingly though,I was watching some YouTube videos about codependency last night and stumbled upon some about Narcissism. I was surprised that a couple of them were about "outsmarting the narcissist" and much oh of what I heard was basically what I'm learning here; don't react, detach,etc. And that trying to change a Narcissist will break you down and you will lose who you are.
That led to other videos about other disorders,situations,relationships,etc. And I guess it made me realize just how powerless we are over others in general,no matter what it is we are not ok with.
Of course I have always known that fact. But absorbing it and surrendering to it is a different story altogether. Today I have fully absorbed it and have fully let go of everyone else and their problems. It would be great if I knew I could do the same tomorrow. But all I can do is *try*, one day at a time.
On a side note,I've been wanting AH to get his haircut. I had been nagging him and I hate to admit it,I have even put him down thinking that would make him get one. Today though,I asked myself "how important is it? and let it go. It's none of my business if he wants to look like Fabio(hope you all know who that is). And if I'm honest,I just don't like that his hair looks better than mine. I'm the one who should be blessed with hair that shiny and pretty. Lol
